Canyons of Life

[Hammsolo]

JLS, Thanks for sharing your story! I'm sorry this difficult time is upon you, and pray that things will turn for the better. This post is a good first step. These are the types of struggles that usually get swept under the rug and hid from people. The stigma of mental health needs to be changed. We ALL have emotions that we deal with, and some emotions need help to understand.

First, none of this is your fault. Second, the past is the past and there is no sense stressing over things that are out of your control. Third, focus on controlling what you CAN control.

I would highly recommend that you consider seeing a counselor yourself. You would be surprised at how much emotion you are carrying around, and how just saying the words out load can help. Counseling can also help you to understand your emotions, and maybe recognize the emotions you daughter is feeling and be better able to help her navigate them.

I am currently in the midst of a divorce, and have a 4yo and 7yo. My wife has always struggled with anxiety, depression and anger. I've tried my best to try to understand her, and have always loved her the best I could. I've always known that she would benefit from seeing a counselor, but its a hard topic to discuss and something that she has always resisted. What I never knew, was how much I would benefit from seeing a counselor. Once the divorce entered my life, I immediately sought counseling and have been going for about 5 months. I truly love it and have gained a lot from it. My daughter the 7yo, has struggled with the divorce process and so we have her seeing the school counselor once a week, and recently got her into a private child/family counselor. See enjoys it as well, and most of all I just want her to learn that her having strong emotions, good or bad, is normal. And that anytime she feels the need, there is an avenue available to her to help her understand those emotions. I don't hide my emotions from her anymore, and we use them to talk about them. I'm doing my best to normalize the the things we usually struggle with in private.

Again THANK YOU For sharing! Things will get better. Stay in the present and focus on YOUR personal well being as much as you do your daughters. You will find yourself in a much better position to give your daughter the help I know you are desperately trying to give her.

Prayers with you too. As a person that has spent hours in the “chair.” I’ve learned a few things. 1. You have to want to be counseled and open to growth. 2. You need a counselor that is focused on outcome based therapy.

My second wife is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She backs this up. Good counselors are hard to find right now. Great counselors are near impossible. Fight for yourself. Would you settle for a crappy hunting guide on your dream Dahl sheep hunt?

 

[VikingsGuy]

I lift my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1-2

I have tears in my eyes as I reply. You are not alone. Our youngest daughter tried to take her own life twice in the last 2 yrs. The pain, the fear, the hopelessness, the shame - they are all there and they are real. But by grace we still have her with us - it has been over a year since the last attempt and while taking it day by day we have hope. Both times she begged not to be inpatient for 2 weeks after the event, but as we could not keep her safe (think about removing every possible form of self-harm from a person's life inside and outside a home) while the immediate mental health issue was addressed it was the only viable answer.

My small learning was that if you don't feel like a give program/counselor/medication is working, fight the system to get changes. For us, hindsight highlights that the post-treatment program after the first event and the anti-depressant weren't a good fit for her, and that her psychiatrist was not willing to try different ones. Second time around we are much better-informed advocates for her in a failed system and changes in programs/meds/counselor have made a huge difference.

You and your daughter will be added to my prayers. If you ever want to talk to a father who has shared your path feel free to PM and I can give you my cell #.

To the rest of you - please add improvements to our mental healthcare system to your list of advocacy areas. Someday each of us will need it, and it is shockingly underfunded and understaffed.

 

[Rhcuam]

depression and mental illness effects far more people than what most realize. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[Irrelevant]

Second time around we are much better-informed advocates for her in a failed system and changes in programs/meds/counselor have made a huge difference.

This is key IMO. You have to be your own biggest advocate as well as for your children, you simply cannot rely on the system to advocate for them (even if they claim they are).

 

[mottlet]

Very sobering read and I'm truly sorry y'all are going through it. I hope your daughter finds her way to some peace; hopefully, it sounds like she is on that path now.

When I came through all my health shit a couple years ago, about the only thing I had to say about it was this: "They say you can't choose your family. Well, thank God for that because somebody else woulda surely chosen em 'fore I got a chance to." Hard to describe what she is going through with any sort of positive adjectives, but it does sound like she's blessed to have the family she's got.

 

[Paul in Idaho]

I can't imagine what you're going through. I hope your family can have better times together soon.

 

[Shangobango]

Disclaimer: very much non hunting, and some incredibly heavy shit. If that isn’t your thing, stop reading. This is truly the anti instagram reel about life.

This is without doubt, the hardest post I’ve ever written. I debated about sharing this, and my natural inclination is to lock it away from the world where no one can see it. However, some of you are close and personal friends. Some of you are parents. Some of you will be parents. Some of you may be walking through something similar, and some of you may be in the future.

I left late morning Friday to meet a couple of friends for a season finale chukar hunt in Oregon. I almost didn’t go. My youngest two daughters had an apocalyptic blow-up Thursday while I was at work. My youngest daughter went to a friend’s house to stay while things cooled down. I thought we had things kind of worked out that we could let emotions cool for a few days, and then revisit things early in the week.

The last hour and half of the drive is completely off grid. As I drove Friday evening, I had an increasingly overwhelming sense of dread something horrible was going to happen while I was gone. I chalked it up to an overactive mind and a lifelong struggle of giving things like these a little time to settle. I prayed for peace of mind. My sense of unease lessened but didn’t go away.

Saturday, while hunting, I had an overwhelming sense of urgency to find some cell coverage. I tried climbing higher but couldn’t find any. When we got back to camp, I borrowed my buddy’s inReach to send a text to my wife. She said come home ASAP.

I called my wife as soon as I got cell coverage on the way. My youngest daughter attempted to overdose Friday night. By the grace of God, she threw up twice during the night, which probably saved her life. My wife went down to talk to her Saturday morning and ended up taking her directly to the ER. When my wife finished telling me the story, she gave the phone to my daughter. I cried so hard I had to pull over. I was almost unable to speak. When I got the hospital that night, I was able to see her. She was exhausted and barely awake. I held her and cried.

My wife stayed in the ER, and I came home to take care of the dog. Saturday night was one of the darkest nights of my life. There is a back story here. Both of my parents committed suicide when I was 25. Mental illness and suicidal tendencies are a genetic reality. I blamed myself for the pain and torment my youngest daughter was living in. All three of my girls have struggled with anxiety and depression. I struggled with the reality they had to bear the burden of my family’s past. I fought an overwhelming urge to burn the house down and disappear.

I cried. I screamed at no one. I asked God why my kids had to suffer. I read the notes she had left and cried more. I screamed until I was hoarse. I slept fitfully.

Sunday was rough. I was a physical, mental, and emotional wreck. My daughter told me I looked like an 80-year-old man. I felt like it. I cried and prayed with her. I told her I was sorry in whatever way I had let her down as a parent. My best friend sent me a text Sunday night. He told me “We don’t get a say in whatever God’s plan is for us, but it’s inevitable.” I read that over and over that night.

On Monday, a psychiatrist interviewed my daughter, and then us. He recommended inpatient treatment. My daughter was scared and wanted to go home. I wanted to take her home. She wanted to see Finn. We all cried. I told her I thought inpatient treatment would be best for her, but in the end, she would not be forced to go.

Segue to the backstory again, my mom attempted to overdose prior to her death. She was held for a 48-hour mandatory stay in the psychiatric ward in the hospital after she was released from the ER. We visited her, and she was pleading and demanding we get her out. As family, we could do so. We refused. I will never forget walking away from her room with her yelling at us to get her out. She needed help but refused it completely.

Fast forward, that memory was haunting me. I was terrified we would experience the same thing here. Finally, at 1:00PM they told her there was a bed available and she could check in at 2:00PM. I sat down by her and asked her what she thought. She closed her eyes and began to cry. My heart stopped. She opened them and said, “I’ll go.” I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. I cried pretty much uncontrollably the whole way home to get her some clothes and take Finn to see her.

The check in process was hard. She can’t have visitors. I can’t even begin to describe how scary it is to leave your baby girl in a situation like this. I am praying continually for God to watch over her, to protect her, to give her the strength to be vulnerable, to heal her heart, and to give her confidence in who she is as a person. We don’t know how long she’ll be there. The uncertainty and fear is nearly crippling at times.

The ripple effect from this is like an emotional tsunami. Where do you start picking up the pieces and sorting through emotions? The mind is an amazing and beautiful thing, but it can also be terrifying in how it works. Hug your family. We get a second chance at being whole, and for that I am forever grateful. The what ifs are incomprehensible. Don’t take anything for granted. Talk to your kids. The signs aren’t always obvious, even to professionals.

Even in the deepest and darkest canyons, there is hope.

I lift my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1-2

Wow man. I’ll be praying for you and yours. If there is anything at all I can do, you let me know.

 

[TheNorthStar]

I have no words but to say I am sorry to hear this. I have 2 little boys and to even think of losing one of them for a moment will ruin my whole day.

I hope you all figure out how to deal with the worst life has to offer and find peace and satisfaction in it.

That goes for everyone here.

 

[Beignet]

Been a few days since I read your post but it stuck with me. Just wanted to say that I hope you guys are hanging in there.

 

[TheJason]

Today was rough. Lack of sleep and stress took their toll. I struggled all day to keep perspective, and as a result wasn’t much fun to be around.

A good long hike with my wife and Finn helped immensely. My best friend sent me text politely telling me to leave the pity party. Haven’t talked to our daughter today. I wonder if she’s not calling because she’s bummed to be staying the weekend, and it’s easier to not call.

Today was like miles 18-22 in a marathon. They just suck and you have far enough to go it’s easy to not realize you’re close to the end.

Thank you so much to all of you who’ve sent Door Dash. It’s humbling. We had really good Mexican food tonight, courtesy of some of the wonderful folks on HT.

 

[7mm08mo]

Prayers for you and yours.

 

[Big Fin]

Like most, I'm not sure what words could be adequate to express how much I feel for your entire family at this time. Prayers have power and I hope the prayers from those who care give you, your daughter, and your family strength in a time that must be more challenging than anything I've ever personally known.

I keep re-reading your post. I cannot fathom the difficulty or the courage required. In a time when a family is in such need, I search for what can be done to ease your burden, to give all of you comfort. I hope having a community with whom you can share this burden and to know others who have walked your path are willing to be there, somehow, some way, is helpful.

My prayers tonight will be for you and your family, Jason.

 

[TheJason]

This is one of her Far Side parodies she did when she was about 8.



I’ve hiked plenty of canyons in my life. The deepest ones often have a point where you feel like you won’t ever see the top. One step at a time…

 

[BackofBeyond]

That’s the key right there, just keep stepping.

 

[Nick87]

Its always darkest before the dawn

 

[PaulRevere]

@JLS Hey! You are an amazing father and friend. We are all on your team. Lean on us! Love ya long time.

 

[longbow51]

Prayers with you too. As a person that has spent hours in the “chair.” I’ve learned a few things. 1. You have to want to be counseled and open to growth. 2. You need a counselor that is focused on outcome based therapy.

My second wife is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She backs this up. Good counselors are hard to find right now. Great counselors are near impossible. Fight for yourself. Would you settle for a crappy hunting guide on your dream Dahl sheep hunt?

You said a mouthful there Hammsolo.

 

[thomas89]

Read this when you first posted and have done some reflecting. Such a complex topic, with a wide-ranging amount of reactions depending on who you talk to.

Suicide touched my life going on 8 years ago, it's a part of my story now. I am sorry it is a part of yours but I am glad your family gets more time together. Life is precious, moments are precious.

You are in my thoughts.

 

[mdcrossbow]

1st thing , you are strong because you know where your strength comes from. Your family sees that and that will help them. Your in my prayers.

 

[High Desert]

My heart aches for you and your loved ones and the pain and worry that you are experiencing. I will be thinking of you and praying that the dark clouds will part and light will come back into your lives.