Canyons of Life

[44hunter45]

Prayers Brother.

PM incoming.

 

[270.Rose]

Praying for you and your family.

 

[lifesupport4u]

Disclaimer: very much non hunting, and some incredibly heavy shit. If that isn’t your thing, stop reading. This is truly the anti instagram reel about life.

This is without doubt, the hardest post I’ve ever written. I debated about sharing this, and my natural inclination is to lock it away from the world where no one can see it. However, some of you are close and personal friends. Some of you are parents. Some of you will be parents. Some of you may be walking through something similar, and some of you may be in the future.

I left late morning Friday to meet a couple of friends for a season finale chukar hunt in Oregon. I almost didn’t go. My youngest two daughters had an apocalyptic blow-up Thursday while I was at work. My youngest daughter went to a friend’s house to stay while things cooled down. I thought we had things kind of worked out that we could let emotions cool for a few days, and then revisit things early in the week.

The last hour and half of the drive is completely off grid. As I drove Friday evening, I had an increasingly overwhelming sense of dread something horrible was going to happen while I was gone. I chalked it up to an overactive mind and a lifelong struggle of giving things like these a little time to settle. I prayed for peace of mind. My sense of unease lessened but didn’t go away.

Saturday, while hunting, I had an overwhelming sense of urgency to find some cell coverage. I tried climbing higher but couldn’t find any. When we got back to camp, I borrowed my buddy’s inReach to send a text to my wife. She said come home ASAP.

I called my wife as soon as I got cell coverage on the way. My youngest daughter attempted to overdose Friday night. By the grace of God, she threw up twice during the night, which probably saved her life. My wife went down to talk to her Saturday morning and ended up taking her directly to the ER. When my wife finished telling me the story, she gave the phone to my daughter. I cried so hard I had to pull over. I was almost unable to speak. When I got the hospital that night, I was able to see her. She was exhausted and barely awake. I held her and cried.

My wife stayed in the ER, and I came home to take care of the dog. Saturday night was one of the darkest nights of my life. There is a back story here. Both of my parents committed suicide when I was 25. Mental illness and suicidal tendencies are a genetic reality. I blamed myself for the pain and torment my youngest daughter was living in. All three of my girls have struggled with anxiety and depression. I struggled with the reality they had to bear the burden of my family’s past. I fought an overwhelming urge to burn the house down and disappear.

I cried. I screamed at no one. I asked God why my kids had to suffer. I read the notes she had left and cried more. I screamed until I was hoarse. I slept fitfully.

Sunday was rough. I was a physical, mental, and emotional wreck. My daughter told me I looked like an 80-year-old man. I felt like it. I cried and prayed with her. I told her I was sorry in whatever way I had let her down as a parent. My best friend sent me a text Sunday night. He told me “We don’t get a say in whatever God’s plan is for us, but it’s inevitable.” I read that over and over that night.

On Monday, a psychiatrist interviewed my daughter, and then us. He recommended inpatient treatment. My daughter was scared and wanted to go home. I wanted to take her home. She wanted to see Finn. We all cried. I told her I thought inpatient treatment would be best for her, but in the end, she would not be forced to go.

Segue to the backstory again, my mom attempted to overdose prior to her death. She was held for a 48-hour mandatory stay in the psychiatric ward in the hospital after she was released from the ER. We visited her, and she was pleading and demanding we get her out. As family, we could do so. We refused. I will never forget walking away from her room with her yelling at us to get her out. She needed help but refused it completely.

Fast forward, that memory was haunting me. I was terrified we would experience the same thing here. Finally, at 1:00PM they told her there was a bed available and she could check in at 2:00PM. I sat down by her and asked her what she thought. She closed her eyes and began to cry. My heart stopped. She opened them and said, “I’ll go.” I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. I cried pretty much uncontrollably the whole way home to get her some clothes and take Finn to see her.

The check in process was hard. She can’t have visitors. I can’t even begin to describe how scary it is to leave your baby girl in a situation like this. I am praying continually for God to watch over her, to protect her, to give her the strength to be vulnerable, to heal her heart, and to give her confidence in who she is as a person. We don’t know how long she’ll be there. The uncertainty and fear is nearly crippling at times.

The ripple effect from this is like an emotional tsunami. Where do you start picking up the pieces and sorting through emotions? The mind is an amazing and beautiful thing, but it can also be terrifying in how it works. Hug your family. We get a second chance at being whole, and for that I am forever grateful. The what ifs are incomprehensible. Don’t take anything for granted. Talk to your kids. The signs aren’t always obvious, even to professionals.

Even in the deepest and darkest canyons, there is hope.

I lift my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1-2

Man I see this way too often and I cannot imagine it ever being my own. My prayers are with you and your family. Make sure they know just how much you love them. Kids have big emotions, and I pray this season will pass and you all come out closer and stronger on the other side of it all.

 

[Pucky Freak]

Bless you for contending for your family during such a trying time. Prayers that this will somehow bring your youngest closer to the rest of your family, that she will lean on others in the really hard days ahead. There is no shame in mental illness. Peace, brother

 

[mxracer317]

Thank you so much for the support and prayers. I very much appreciate all of them.

This was written in a spirit of transparency and bringing to light the struggles of mental illness. No one is immune to it. My best friend has two wonderful kids, raised as a ranch family. He said he is as equally terrified for his kids.

When I was taking to my daughter about inpatient treatment, I told her mental illness is like having a trauma injury that needs treatment, but you can’t really see exactly what’s wrong. You can’t do blood cell counts, or see infection. That’s the scary part about unlocking the internal puzzle to start healing.

Sunday night, I was crying and asking why my kids had to hurt. I said I would gladly take all of their pain and hurts for them and carry that burden. I felt God tell me “You can’t do that, and it’s not your job. It’s mine.”

We stopped by the treatment center today and prayed in the parking lot. I’m scared for her and I want her home, and I am so proud of her being brave.

Foot prints in the sand @JLS. Remember that God loves all His children. Your daughter is His daughter.

The atonement of Jesus Christ is real and does not apply just to sin only. It applies to all pain and suffering. Mental, physical and emotional pain as well.

Jesus Christ suffered these pains to understand and heal all mankind. Stay with Him. He will always be with you and your family. God bless to you guys. Prayers and love to you and your family.

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

 

[JLS]

Again, thank you all for the generosity and support. It’s humbling.

My daughter called tonight. It was so good to hear her voice. It was so good to hear her talk about the plan they are developing for her, and she is optimistic it will help her.

The parent manual sure doesn’t cover shit like this. One day at a time…

 

[Mica Man]

Hang in there, heavy stuff indeed. Be strong and even though it hurts you're doing the right thing for your daughter and family. Prayers for you and your family.

 

[blueridge]

Jason, I know from experience how crushing the helplessness feels to love someone so much and not be able
to take away their pain or change the way they see or experience themselves or the world. Just know that it doesn’t last forever. We had a horrible few teenage years, lots of therapy, different medications, sleepless nights, books, some shuddering suicide ideation journal entries. It was a slow arduous crawl out, but ours is on the other side and is doing great. I wish and see the same end result for you and yours. I honor your vulnerability in sharing. I hope you feel the support from this community that values you so much. You’re a good one. Daughters need dads like you. We don’t always get to pick the road or the company, but for your daughter I’d say she’s got the company covered in spades.
Peace to you, brother.

 

[ida homer]

Prayers man, life is a mf’er. Those that don’t have depression in their family trees simply cannot understand it. I cannot even imagine. Hang in there.

 

[CowboyLeroy]

I PROMISE the Davison family will pray for you, mines six months old Monday and we've almost lost her twice. It's the most horrific experience a man can go through, but you will get through.

 

[Redman]

May the Peace that surpasses all understanding comfort you and your family. My heart breaks for you. Praying for you.

 

[longbow51]

Wow, just read this JLS, and words fail. Prayers sent.

The fact that she is open to a plan is very encouraging.

 

[Carbon]

Praying for peace and healing for your family.

 

[SaskHunter]

I'm not a religious man but you and your family have been in my thoughts.

I read this yesterday evening and debated commenting, instead I put my phone away and hung out with my daughters. Your post stayed on my mind all night and am still thinking about it as I'm typing this. It is hard a as parent to imagine going through such a situation. When I was younger, my older sister went through something similar, I didn't really understand much at the time but looking back I realize the amplitude of what had happened and am extremely thankful for the help she received.

The road ahead may be bumpy, but it seems like you and your family are strong and resilient. Take care my dude!

 

[FranklinME]

Prayers sent.

 

[KB_]

Again, thank you all for the generosity and support. It’s humbling.

My daughter called tonight. It was so good to hear her voice. It was so good to hear her talk about the plan they are developing for her, and she is optimistic it will help her.

The $*)Q!#@$ parent manual sure doesn’t cover shit like this. One day at a time…

your not kidding bud, The parent manual has been utterly useless. I hope I never have to see this with my children. But its certainly in the back of my head.

Thick and thin, better or worse. Keep going.

 

[sharpshooter97]

That is an awful thing to have to go through. Glad that she made it, and I truly hope the best for her. I don't have kids so I cannot even imagine what you're going through. Wishing your daughter and your family all the best.

 

[MNElkNut]

Just simply praying for you and your family.

 

[Hammsolo]

This reminds me why I’ve stayed with Hunttalk. I got on because of my love of hunting. I stayed because of people like Jason and all of you that so lovingly support him in a time of crisis.

Jason, It was hard for me to realize the “parent manual” my parents gave me was not properly vetted and edited…. You’ve got this buddy. Why? You’re open to learning and your priority is simply your daughter’s well-being. Oh, and your a Bada$$ MoFo!

 

[Frenchy]

JLS, Thanks for sharing your story! I'm sorry this difficult time is upon you, and pray that things will turn for the better. This post is a good first step. These are the types of struggles that usually get swept under the rug and hid from people. The stigma of mental health needs to be changed. We ALL have emotions that we deal with, and some emotions need help to understand.

First, none of this is your fault. Second, the past is the past and there is no sense stressing over things that are out of your control. Third, focus on controlling what you CAN control.

I would highly recommend that you consider seeing a counselor yourself. You would be surprised at how much emotion you are carrying around, and how just saying the words out load can help. Counseling can also help you to understand your emotions, and maybe recognize the emotions you daughter is feeling and be better able to help her navigate them.

I am currently in the midst of a divorce, and have a 4yo and 7yo. My wife has always struggled with anxiety, depression and anger. I've tried my best to try to understand her, and have always loved her the best I could. I've always known that she would benefit from seeing a counselor, but its a hard topic to discuss and something that she has always resisted. What I never knew, was how much I would benefit from seeing a counselor. Once the divorce entered my life, I immediately sought counseling and have been going for about 5 months. I truly love it and have gained a lot from it. My daughter the 7yo, has struggled with the divorce process and so we have her seeing the school counselor once a week, and recently got her into a private child/family counselor. See enjoys it as well, and most of all I just want her to learn that her having strong emotions, good or bad, is normal. And that anytime she feels the need, there is an avenue available to her to help her understand those emotions. I don't hide my emotions from her anymore, and we use them to talk about them. I'm doing my best to normalize the the things we usually struggle with in private.

Again THANK YOU For sharing! Things will get better. Stay in the present and focus on YOUR personal well being as much as you do your daughters. You will find yourself in a much better position to give your daughter the help I know you are desperately trying to give her.