Canyons of Life

JLS, learning of your daughter's illness breaks my heart. I hope and pray she heals and realizes there is much to live for.

You and your daughter are in my thoughts. May better days lay ahead.
 
JLS, I’m sorry that I just saw this. I hate that this has happened in your family, but I also get it is reality. My niece went through a similar episode a couple years back. Pills and cutting. It’s very scary, but thankfully she seems to have gotten to the other side of it.

You are obviously going through a lot right now, but relying on God and drawing family close is definitely what will get you through this. Praying for you, your daughter, and the rest of your family.
 
My best friend sent me a text Friday night. He said we’re shearing sheep and will have a big lunch for the crew, come down. We did. It was really good. He and I go back about 33 years. We’ve been at each others side for weddings, births, deaths, and graduations. I love him like a brother. It was good to visit with him and his wife.

Today was beautiful. Sun is a wonderful mood lifter. We talked to our daughter late in the day, and we were really encouraged with the conversation we had. She will be discharged this week, but we’re not sure what day yet.

The next steps are scary. I told her today I pray every day she can tune out the noise of the world enough to see the beauty of it, and how much she contributes to that.
 
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Sorry to hear about this. Life can crush you when it comes to kids. We have been down a similar road the last two years. Been down on my own knees begging for answers. It tests the soul of a man when his children are in these types of situations. I will keep you in my thoughts. If you you ever need to blow off steam just let me know.
Again sorry. Not many will ever know the pain that you are in.
 
That’s beautiful JLS. You’re an amazing father. I’ve taught for 20 years and hiked the hills of parenting for the same. In my time, I have seen a metric shit ton of bad parents and sadly not the same number of great parents. The great parents I’ve met share your quality of dedication, humbleness, and openness to growth for themselves and their kids. Here for you buddy.

1 small blessing from this? The opportunity you gave each of us to share our experiences and struggles with you. To see our community, and that none of us our perfect. We are human.

On that note, I need to be honest. My first marriage was a catastrophe. My ex-wife was bipolar, literally kidnapped my daughter, and disappeared where I found her in Georgia. I was broken, depressed, anxious, and suicidal. I got divorced, won my daughter back in court, and am the happiest I’ve ever been. I am now remarried to an amazing woman being a father to my daughter and my two step-children. It’s still ugly at times. My daughter resents me at times, and hates that I left her Mom. It kills me because it is illogical, but it is how she feels. I still struggle with bouts of depression and have crazy abandonment issues.

How did I get through the insanity? Faith, Family, and Friends
 
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Her discharge is scheduled for tomorrow morning. What a frustrating process some of this is. Last week we were told she must have an outpatient appointment scheduled within 7-10 days of discharge. They don’t release them without it.

In talking with her social worker on Friday, my wife and I both were under the distinct impression the discharge coordinator was going to help facilitate this process for us at discharge. Fast forward to today, he tells us “yeah, we like to have the parents make the initial contact”.

I started to open my mouth to ask him HTF he could be so contradictory and confusing about a process that is completely foreign to us. My wife gave me the laser eyes and pointed at me. I kept my mouth shut.

Moving forward. We’ve gotten some great help from members here, and it is truly appreciated.
 
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Great to hear that your daughter will be able to come home tomorrow. Continued prayers that your family will continue to heal and grow stronger while you battle through this situation together. It is also great to hear that those here on HT who have dealt with this part of the Health Care bureaucracy have been able to give you some sound advice.
 
JLS said:
Her discharge is scheduled for tomorrow morning. What a frustrating process some of this is. Last week we were told she must have an outpatient appointment scheduled within 7-10 days of discharge. They don’t release them without it.

In talking with her social worker on Friday, my wife and I both were under the distinct impression the discharge coordinator was going to help facilitate this process for us at discharge. Fast forward to today, he tells us “yeah, we like to have the parents make the initial contact”.

I started to open my mouth to ask him HTF he could be so contradictory and confusing about a process that is completely foreign to us. My wife gave me the laser eyes and pointed at me. I kept my mouth shut.

Moving forward. We’ve gotten some great help from members here, and it is truly appreciated.
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Such good news. The next steps are ones you get to do together as a family. One step at a time, one hour at a time.
 
I know that as a dad you can get tunnel vision trying to focus on the health of your daughter which is without a doubt needed right now but as time passes you also have to focus on your own health. As you know the road is going to be a long one. After two years on most mornings the 1st thoughts in my mind are about my daughter. She is doing better but the stress of not knowing if today is the day something bad happens has taken its toll on me. I should have taken more time to focus on controlling my own health and stress. So when you get a chance to step back try to get into a routine that can help with this.

Wishing you the best as to climb out of this
 
Tough stuff. I'm a dad to two kids under 3 years old and these are the kinds of things that keep me up at night. I had a friend who had hinted at suicide multiple times, but always refused help. My friend finally went through with it a couple of years ago. The fact that your daughter accepted help is huge. My opinion is that you can't really help those that don't want to be helped, and your daughter wants to get better. With your help and those around her she will! Many prayers for you and your family.
 
She came home yesterday. It was so good to hug her. I wish I could say everything has been sunshine and roses, the last couple of days have tapped me completely.

The lack of support from the inpatient facility was amazing. We basically walked in and walked out with our daughter and a folder of discharge papers. I had to dig through and find her prescriptions. The outpatient counseling we thought we had lined up called back and told us we weren’t eligible.

We spent hours on the phone yesterday, both of us calling clinics. @Hammsolo ‘s wife is a rock star and helped us tremendously. Finally, this afternoon we were able to get an appointment. What a frustrating process.

My middle daughter has been challenging, to say the least. I’ve seen behaviors in her the last two days that break my heart and make me truly question where we went wrong. It’s the story of the prodigal son. Almost to a T. I hope and pray someday she can realize love isn’t measured with ledgers and balance sheets.
 
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Hang in there Jason. I am sure that seeing her sister back home is really rocking her world right now. Just keep being there for your girls and wife and don't hesitate to lean on others for your own support.
 
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Hey JLS, thank you for sharing all of this, for being willing to be vulnerable, being strong enough to lead with openness about your family's struggle. I hope you see how you are bringing out the best in so many people; your openness has invited so many here to be their best selves. And your talking about this is so helpful to you, it is the inoculation against shame.

I hate to hear that the process of getting your daughter an outpatient appointment with a counselor was so difficult. Not to defend but normalize and offer an explanation that might help, I hope helps, encourage some. As a counselor, when the discharge person from an inpatient treatment center would call and make an appointment for a person, which of course was really helpful, those patients would show to their outpatient appointment exactly zero times. We all realized that if the family did the finding and scheduling, that effort, exasperating as it unfortunately can be, got folks to show up to their follow on appointment, and start rather than neglect, that process of healing and health. Inpatient is really just to stabilize the struggling person, the outpatient is where they grow and become stronger from the experience.

Something just too, too, too often happens between inpatient and outpatient. Nobody thinks they are going to be on the wrong side of statistics, but very well intended people just usually do not even start, much less continue their outpatient treatment. So, you guys, through that unfortunate extra burden, have started those steps, and good on you.

Thoughts, prayers, and hopes sent your way. Be encouraged, be blessed, and know you are loved.
 
I fully expected this life event to be a catalyst for some emotional struggles for all of us. I wasn’t even remotely prepared for the responses from our older two. Resentment about their upbringing. Perceived favoritism. Inability to articulate any of this.

Think of your family like a nice concrete vault shitter at state park. Nice, neat and orderly. Drop a couple of grenades in it and that’s what I feel like we’re looking at.

It’s hard enough to try and understand where some of these thoughts come from. It’s even harder to try and encourage them to pull all the junk out the closet and address it. It’s hard to make any sense of this.
 
We've prayed on you and your families behalf for Chapter 1. Eatnestly praying for you and your family as Chapter 2 begins.. hang in there and just keep plugging away.
 
It is so hard. It sucks to be honest, but it is better to pull the band-aid and face it. I know you and am convinced you’ve worked your ass off and been a great father. It is SO hard, and it sucks because our world is so complicated.

You are just one variable, and have the burden of being one of the safe spots. Your daughters are surrounded by influences equal to you and also more powerful. All you can do is face it, show your commitment, stick to facts, grow and push others to do the same.

Keep up the amazing effort. It is what they will remember. FYI, I butchered a ton of parenting with my oldest, and other children for that matter. I struggled with wanting to be right and have justice in the situation with her Mom. I made it about winning and losing at times… I slowly learned, and focused on the bigger picture for myself and my daughter. I had to focus on the goal and have a plan. I battle daily with hating my ex-wife. I know it only punishes me in the end.

So, take anything I say with a grain of salt, and maybe even determine it’s a load of BS. Just know I’m here for you man. You’re a bada$$.
 
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One step at a time. One day at a time. We can’t see the top of the canyon, but we aren’t stuck in the bottom.

Patience has been hard to cling to. Random text messages here and there have been absolute blessings. One particular one last week really struck me. My friend shared wisdom his mom had shared with him. “When those around us are toughest to love, they often need love the most”. I read and re read this a number of times over the following days.

Last night we had a great conversation with our older two. There were some epiphanies and realizations. Maybe not breakthrough level, but certainly good progress. We all came away with the realization we are often reading the same book, but taking away a markedly different story.

Sometimes waiting for the wall to fall is far better than getting a bigger hammer. We had the first family hug last night in a over a month. It was good.

If you have adolescents, take mental health issues seriously. It’s easy to overlook anxiety and depression as teenage moodiness. And, maybe it is. That’s the hard part, deciphering all of this is far harder than outsmarting any game animal, and has far higher stakes.
 
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