Canyons of Life

[OntarioHunter]

I also somehow missed this thread. I'm sure the OP thinks I'm just being my usual jerk self towards him by not responding to this. Not the case. I can empathize. We went through this repeatedly with our daughter from about sixteen until her mom and brother died just before turning eighteen. At that point I became the basket case. I was never suicidal in the "have a plan" sense, but few who haven't experienced it understand the hole can get so deep so fast that rational decision making becomes lost.

Try to be supportive without doting or interfering. It's a fine line for sure. Sounds like the girl is trying to put this behind her. Monitoring is obviously essential but if it's obtrusive, it only brings up bad memories. I presume she was prescribed antidepressant? Be sure she stays on that med! She may think she's ready to quit and she may be, but getting off that stuff can be tricky and requires professional guidance ... I know that we'll enough! Not necessarily scary from a suicidal perspective, but physically it can really throw one for a loop. I only cut back my dosage, didn't stop, and suddenly found myself unable to figure out where I was or had been in the grocery store. Called my daughter to come get me and she took me straight to ER. I thought I had a stroke!

Hopefully your daughter has a good counselor. Made a big difference with my daughter. At that age kids are going through the natural hormonal change that drives them away from home. It's a basic animal instinct that was necessary for the survival of the species... when we were mere animals. So as parents we need to respect that it's often easier for them to open up to "strangers" and we should not be offended by that "intrusion." Our natural animal instinct is to try to keep the family unit together protected from outside threats. It's hard as hell to guide kids through the difficulties of adolescence when those two contradictory forces are at odds under the same roof. Hopefully someone under another roof can be more objective.

Your family history must be a concern for sure. But that was then and this is now. I doubt the "nature or nurture" debate will ever fully be resolved. So maybe it's not in her genes. Doesn't really matter. Don't ever blame yourself. Not sure that is an issue but don't let it be. For the few months that she lived after our son died, my wife beat herself up for "giving him" her familial epilepsy. It was terrible to watch. Kept her from getting help when she needed it. The blame game was a diversion.

 

[Akcabin]

I will say a prayer for your family. I'm not in your shoes but I do have 2 kids. One of which is our beautiful daughter. Who when younger made some bad decisions. But she learned to recognize them. Went to trade school for truck driving. One day she says to me. Dad I don't like being around a bunch of people but still need a job I like n can live on. I suggested truck driving. She has had her cdl for over 10 years. From several different states. She got tired of the bad pay n went back to school for welding n loved it. And went back for another 8 weeks of training. Now has several certifications and a bunch of qualifications. Was top of her class. Certified up to 1-1/2" structural red steel. Now working in the arctic on petroleum explorer rigs doing wildcat exploration. And has skills that make her a valuable asset. And she knows how to work. Nobody's done until everyone done.
Like many of us, like happens to our loved ones, and us. Mom always said the Good Lord works in mysterious ways. Our daughter had some bad experiences but we were always there for her. Good or bad, thick or thin ! Family sticks together.
From this experience in her life. A boy was born. He has been a magnificent part of our family and continues to bless our lives daily. And is my little buddy.
Good luck n may the Good Lord look down u pon your family n grant you guidance

 

[TheJason]

Quick update before I pop smoke for a while.

Youngest appears to be doing well. She laughs more and is her old goofy self. She’s caught up in school and is scorekeeper for the varsity baseball team.

Relearning relationships between the three has been a little bumpy. We’ve tried to make it clear to all of them we don’t expect perfection. We expect grace and compassion.

Last weekend we had a birthday dinner for our oldest and her boyfriend. Middle daughter made a rather insensitive remark about not getting a birthday because youngest was in a mental hospital. I wanted to kick her ass.

Youngest went to her room after dinner, so I went in to visit. As I expected she was passed at her sister. We were talking when middle daughter pokes her head in and saw the tears. My initial expectation was callousness and disregard, as has been shown in the past.

What I witnessed blew my mind. Middle daughter let her sister explain her hurt, and then freely apologized and fell on her sword for making a very insensitive comment, even though she didn’t mean it the way it came out. It brought my wife and I to humble tears to watch this.

God has been working miracles with her, and the shift in family dynamics has been amazing.

 

[Akcabin]

Hey JLS that's great man ! Remember who job it is to set an example. Just a suggestion but getting the thought of kicking your daughters ass would be a good place to start changing about how you approach your daughters. They are not perfect, and neither are we. Sometimes if folks can take just a half a second to think before they speak or react. And remember if you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all.
I can say for me. I know my beautiful wife would never intentionally say or do something that would hurt me. And can let things slide, but those comments are cumulative and we are human. Gotta keep your eyes on the big picture. Family stays together, and it's your job to lead. Sounds like your kids are doing great.
Hey we're had our own family times, and we always stuck together. Daughter had to go experience life her way n things got rough. We never gave up and now we have a grandson. And my life could hardly be more blessed. Wonderful daughter is now one of the toughest chicks in the state working in the arctic. And I'm a proud papa.
Maybe those aren't canyons, maybe they are just lessons in life. And not meant just for you. There's a win in there, live on your wins man

 

[CPAjeff]

JLS - like others have said, I don't have the adequate words right now. Prayers sent for continued success and progress in this canyon of life.

 

[TheJason]

Today seems like a fitting day for an update. We celebrated Mother’s Day with eggs Benedict and a walk afterwards. It was wonderful. We talked about challenges in life such as school, work, and relationships.

On Saturday we attended a service for a longtime family friend. I’ve known Jean for as long as I can remember. They’ve been like family, and their daughters are like sisters to me. The oldest is walking through a tremendous canyon with her husband. One she fears may not be surmountable.

All of this was a bomb drop to me, and we shared it with our girls. Not as gossip, but as a realization of how damned messy life is, and it’s not if, but when you’ll get knocked on your ass.

I told them about what a wonderful legacy Jean had left, and now it was up to the daughters to navigate the hurts and challenges and baggage of life. I also told them how much our girls’ mom reminded me of Jean, and how thankful I was to have someone as a wife who was also a best friend.

There are still fears. Our youngest is in a good place. However, i experienced some PTSD last week while hunting. An InReach message would spark a severe stress response. One day at a time. God’s plan doesn’t rely on input from us.

 

[Southern Elk]

Glad to hear things are better.

 

[Jbotto]

Sounds like your family is getting some good quality time and I admire the conversations you are having with your family. Continued prayers for you all!

 

[BackofBeyond]

I gotta say it, I hope if I’m in the same position with my boys, I can walk through it with 1/2 the grace and dignity you have.

 

[Hammsolo]

Those stress responses are hard. I still struggle when my wonderful wife’s text messages pop up on her screen. My stomach sinks… The last one prior to my divorce was “Good Morning, I love you Baby .” It was from her current cheater at the time… it’ll take time and breaths, but it will fade. I hope mine disappears someday. Kim has done nothing to deserve the response.

Prayers up and thankful for an awesome day for your family buddy.

 

[TNHUNTER]

Glad things are going the right direction… life’s a journey…hang in there and one step at a time…

 

[Derek44]

Super happy to hear things are going smoother. Nothing will weigh on a guys mind more than family issues. We’ve never met, but judging from what I know of you here, it’s your level personality and genuine care for things that helps keep your train heading the right directions. Understand the apprehension while away on hunts, but I’m sure your mind is happy to be out and about. Nothing like a good hunt to soothe the soul.

 

[JShane]

Keep plugging away my good man,

 

[TheJason]

Seems like a fitting time for an update. The past few months have been a little frustrating. Our youngest stopped going to counseling and stopped taking her meds.

Kind of hard to force something like this, so you just encourage them to make wise choices. She did schedule an appointment with a doctor for further evaluation. The doctor diagnosed her with OCD and switched up her meds, also wants her to seek out a therapist who specializes in OCD and has put in a referral.

She’s been working for about a month now. She got her driver’s license earlier this summer, so we’ve worked our way through some of the expectations of independence and autonomy. Working on finding her a car right now.

Probably the biggest breakthrough came a couple of weeks ago on the heels of a meltdown by our middle daughter. She told her she was sorry for what happened, and she wasn’t so fragile she couldn’t listen to frustrations and hurts. That moment was pretty huge. There has been a chasm between them since February, and maybe this was the first step in bridging that.

 

[Hem]

Progress.
Good to hear JLS.
Better moving forward, even at short increments.

 

[rtraverdavis]

So much of parenting, in my relatively short experience with it (my kids are six and four) reminds me of flying. You spend all this time getting the plane dialed in, do everything you can to make sure everything is in good working order, but at some point after you take off you've got to let go of the controls and let the thing fly. Can it actually navigate on its own? Should I just keep death-gripping this thing? It's scary as hell.

Wishing your family all the best, @JLS
You are a role model in a lot of ways.

 

[VikingsGuy]

Sending my best wishes. We have had quite a journey of our own over the last few years with a teen daughter with significant mental health issues (I think have shared on this or a similar thread already so will spare you a repeat of the details). One thing I will offer - embrace the "one day at a time" mantra.

If somebody asked me today how things were going, I would say with all sincerity, "Today is a good day and for that I am thankful. She is up, in good spirits, and off to school. I believe she will come home tonight after a successful/un-eventful day at school. But she could come home in crisis. But for now, I know she is safe and in a good place, and that we will deal with whatever comes next with love."

My wife is a wonderful mom, but has had trouble really embracing the spirit of these words. Riding the cycles of optimism and hopelessness really takes its toll.

All we can really ask is that today is the best day it can be and that we are blessed with the chance to have tomorrow.

 

[BackofBeyond]

So much of parenting, in my relatively short experience with it (my kids are six and four) reminds me of flying. You spend all this time getting the plane dialed in, do everything you can to make sure everything is in good working order, but at some point after you take off you've got to let go of the controls and let the thing fly. Can it actually navigate on its own? Should I just keep death-gripping this thing? It's scary as hell.

Wishing your family all the best, @JLS
You are a role model in a lot of ways.

Or like a paper airplane.

 

[TheJason]

Riding the cycles of optimism and hopelessness really takes its toll.

Truer words have not been spoken. The toll is real right now.

A couple of weeks ago I was all packed to go spend a couple of days with friends who were elk hunting. When I got home I found my youngest sitting on the couch in tears talking to my wife. I quickly canceled my trip so I could be present.

She said she felt like she was slipping back to where she was last winter. School has been getting the better of her, friend drama, typical teenage stuff. Plus, she hadn’t been taking all of her meds and hadn’t seen her counselor in weeks/months.

Thankfully she was receptive to our help. Heavy dose of vitamin D, back on meds, for an appointment with our GP, going to the gym. It’s all been helpful to her and she is starting to see the value in taking care of herself. She has an appointment with her counselor next week.

Feeling a little better about things, I left Sunday after work to head to central MT for a week of elk hunting. Tuesday night found me and a good friend sitting by the stove in the wall tent, eating sockeye salmon and drinking Pendleton. Life is grand. Then the text message from my wife. Middle daughter is in a really rough spot. Said she doesn’t want to be alive anymore.

I get up Wednesday and we break camp. It’s a long drive home. My guts are churning. I’m longing for a Copenhagen.

This kid can be too much like me. She’ll lock shit up and not let anyone see it. I finally get her to tell me she has overwhelming senses of dread that bad things are going to happen. That she’ll get in a car wreck. Get kidnapped. Fall off a bridge.

I asked her how long this has been going on and she said years. She told me she is so tired of worrying about what bad thing may happen she just wants to die. She sees no future and no happiness.

She saw a psychiatric PA last summer and she made a preliminary bipolar diagnosis. This was no surprise. However, she hadn’t ever told anyone about the anxiety disorders. We did an online screening and she’s high anxiety in about every anxiety disorder there is.

We’re trying to get her the help she needs. We’ve encouraged her to take a quarter off from school so she can get a handle on things. It’s a bitch getting into a psychiatric eval. Getting mental health help when you have a middle class income and insurance is completely $*)Q!#@$ impossible.

She has an appointment with our GP in a few weeks. She too had quit seeing her counselor and hadn’t told us. Because of privacy laws they can’t tell us.

I haven’t figured out how to not live in fear. I don’t enjoy going hunting nearly as much anymore because I dread what may happen while I’m gone. I don’t want my wife to have to deal with this alone and it consumes me.

I’m tired of watching my kids battle the demons that come with mental illness. It’s simply exhausting.

 

[thomas89]

Truer words have not been spoken. The toll is real right now.

A couple of weeks ago I was all packed to go spend a couple of days with friends who were elk hunting. When I got home I found my youngest sitting on the couch in tears talking to my wife.

She said she felt like she was slipping back to where she was last winter. School has been getting the better of her, friend drama, typical teenage stuff. Plus, she hadn’t been taking all of her meds and hadn’t seen her counselor in weeks/months.

Thankfully she was receptive to our help. Heavy dose of vitamin D, back on meds, for an appointment with our GP, going to the gym. It’s all been helpful to her and she is starting to see the value in taking care of herself. She has an appointment with her counselor next week.

Feeling a little better about things, I left Sunday after work to head to central MT for a week of elk hunting. Tuesday night found me and a good friend eating sockeye salmon and drinking Pendleton. Life is grand. Then the text message from my wife. Middle daughter is in a rough spot. Said she doesn’t want to be alive anymore.

I get up Wednesday and we break camp. It’s a long drive home. My guts are churning. I’m longing for a Copenhagen.

This kid can be too much like me. She’ll lock shit up and not let anyone see it. I finally get her to tell me she has overwhelming senses of dread that bad things are going to happen. That she’ll get in a car wreck. Get kidnapped. Fall off a bridge.

I asked her how long this has been going on and she said years. She told me she is so tired of worrying about what bad thing may happen she just wants to die. She sees no future and no happiness.

She saw a psychiatric PA last summer and she made a preliminary bipolar diagnosis. This was no surprise. However, she hadn’t ever told anyone about the anxiety disorders. We did an online screening and she’s high anxiety in about every anxiety disorder there is.

We’re trying to get her the help she needs. We’ve encouraged her to take a quarter off from school so she can get a handle on things. It’s a bitch getting into a psychiatric eval. Getting mental health help when you have a middle class income and insurance is completely $*)Q!#@$ impossible.

She has an appointment with our GP in a few weeks. She too had quit seeing her counselor and hadn’t told us. Because of privacy laws they can’t tell us.

I haven’t figured out how to not live in fear. I don’t enjoy going hunting nearly as much anymore because I dread what may happen while I’m gone. I don’t want my wife to have to deal with this alone and it consumes me.

I’m tired of watching my kids battle the demons that come with mental illness. It’s simply exhausting.

Damn man, you’re doing a great job. Such a reality check. You and your wife raised her right to feel comfortable enough to come to you with her absolute deepest fears.

Keep it up, never quit!