Cancer. A Friend's Final 1-3 Month Prognosis.

[Sytes]

A buddy's wife contacted to share Doctor advised he has 1-3 months remaining.
They have a boy around 16.
I spoke with him after her message and he's coping with it as best as... Well, I don't know, he's coping. Preparing to route over to Hospice. He's about 45y/o.

Cancer is the bitch of bitches! He left our service about eight months earlier under disability retirement.

I'm flying out to spend a day or two in the next couple weeks.

Question for those who've experienced a similar situation:
Aside from small talk, did you discuss more detailed aspects? Family will, trust funds for son/wife, etc? Or just shoot the chit with him?
I represented him through some tough times as a Steward and as a friend we'd go fishing with his son. Epic fun times! I believe his smile was greater than his son's and his son was beaming. This is from age 10+. He's not outdoorsy though loved the boat fishing occasions.

Rambling now though curious people's experience, thoughts, etc...

Thanks in advance.

 

[kansasdad]

Wow, what a blow to hear that prognosis. First and foremost I would say he will appreciate a friend being a friend. So many ways your visit could go, and I can imagine that there will be wide swings of emotions and topics discussed while you are with him. I hope you can come away from your time together feeling like you "were there" for his family.

 

[Deleted member 28227]

Really sorry to hear that Styes.

My dad and my aunt both died of cancer, 57 and 58 respectively. Those final interactions are heart wrenching.

I was the executer for my dad and my grandmother. My 2cents if your the executor spend some time asking the important questions, making sure property is titled correctly and all their accounts are joint/have beneficiaries set up is important to do beforehand. There definitely some things you can do to make your job easier down the line. I had POA and cleaned up some stuff before my dad died that helped me a lot when I was winding down the estate. Having all the passwords, versus having to use a death certificate and letters testamentary to get into stuff makes a world of difference.

If you're not the one doing that stuff, just be his buddy. Talk about past shoot the shit, let him know his wife and son can always lean on you.

#*^@#* cancer.

 

[hank4elk]

Bummer.
Dealt with both parents and an uncle. Hospice. Not easy.
Be open and honest. Discuss it all. That's all there is.

Dealing with cancer now myself.

 

[Mtnhunter1]

Cancer has taken most of my family and a few friends over the years.

Never is easy. Once your buddy has excepted his fate, the conversations will come easier. In the later stages, the conversations are heart wrenching. My advise, go see your buddy ASAP. Your conversations, about any and all things, will be greatly appreciated. It will also help the family cope a bit better knowing that they are not the only ones in his world that care about him.

You are a true friend and my condolences to your buddy, his family and all that will be effected. Prayers sent.

 

[Sytes]

First and foremost I would say he will appreciate a friend being a friend.

Talk about past shoot the shit, let him know his wife and son can always lean on you.

Be open and honest. Discuss it all. That's all there is.

Your conversations, about any and all things, will be greatly appreciated.

I suppose that's the general direction of intent I had in mind. Follow his content shared and have some prepared researched info to share, if his conversations lead.

For instance, since he "retired", we have Agency Chaplains available with a wide birth of resources....

He's religious - Catholic, Puerto Rican, young days as a baseball player from PR.

I'll chat with the Chaplain in his area with the same Q posted here and have the Chaplain's contact info available, if his conversation leads.

So many Agency resources available from an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that he and his family still have access up to a year upon the retirement date. He's about 7-8 months retired.

My time representing him through work resolutions, he was very dependent on my research. Kinda leads me to believe he's receptive. I had to be blunt of various issues that eventually led to his disability retirement, etc.

Maybe I'll create a sheet with contacts for the various concerns I would have if in his shoes? When I leave, if not discussed and shared, I'll offer them in an envelope(?). He finds it useful, good - doesn't care, whatever floats his boat?

He's in a somber mood, was my impression. I'm not one that pacifies - more blunt, I need to tone that to a simple conversation and follow his lead of discussion, be it reminiscing or options for future needs.

#*^@#* cancer.

AMEN!

@hank4elk , keep up the fight and thanks for sharing your thoughts. Prayers are with you too.

 

[BackofBeyond]

Watched my Uncle go through the same prognosis. My oldest is named after him. I’d echo wllm’s advice. If you’re the executor then have all those conversations now, with both him and his wife. Otherwise just be a friend. Make sure he know’s you’ll keep an eye on his boy, and the fishing trips will continue. That was my uncles biggest concern - for his wife and daughter.

Kind of a gut punch TBH. Just figured out I’m the same age now that Mike was when he died. Hugged my boys a bit tighter getting them down for their naps.

 

[MTGomer]

I don’t know the answers to your questions, but I - along with most others from our childhood friend group, struggled with trying to find them over the last few years, as a friend went through a lot of ups and downs, in her cancer fight that ended in her death a few months ago.

It’s hard when it’s someone so young that should have so much life left to live.

 

[406dn]

I am sorry to hear of your friend's cancer. I lost a friend to it years ago. He died far too young. I also lost a good friend several years ago. He though had raised his family and his grandchildren were old enough to have memories of him.

I guess, my advice would be to follow his lead. If he wants to talk about serious stuff, do it. If not, visit about good times.

 

[Nameless Range]

Pretty difficult near impossible situation.

Feels ridiculous to say how I would act, ever given such news about my self, but I think some thing I would want, would be to know that you will at the very least check in on my family every once in a while for the rest of your days.

Little else to do but to love him and his family while you can, and be present wherever the conversation leads.

Sorry Sytes. For him and for his family and friends.

 

[Gerald Martin]

Sorry to hear this, Charles.

I would like to think if I were in his situation, I would rather have my friends bring up the uncomfortable to ensure that I am putting my family in the best situation possible rather than be hesitant to talk about something out of fear of it being awkward.

Your concern will be communicated to him. He’ll let you know if he doesn’t want to discuss something. Asking how you can assist with his concerns rather than telling him what he should do will probably be appreciated.

 

[WapitiBob]

My mom had cancer, dad had parkinsons so I've been thru it. You're a good friend. Take the time to say anything you want to say, first and foremost. Secondly, you appear to be good friends so I'd ask about making sure financial and legal stuff is taken care of.

 

[elkduds]

A buddy's wife contacted to share Doctor advised he has 1-3 months remaining.
They have a boy around 16.
I spoke with him after her message and he's coping with it as best as... Well, I don't know, he's coping. Preparing to route over to Hospice. He's about 45y/o.

Cancer is the bitch of bitches! He left our service about eight months earlier under disability retirement.

I'm flying out to spend a day or two in the next couple weeks.

Question for those who've experienced a similar situation:
Aside from small talk, did you discuss more detailed aspects? Family will, trust funds for son/wife, etc? Or just shoot the chit with him?
I represented him through some tough times as a Steward and as a friend we'd go fishing with his son. Epic fun times! I believe his smile was greater than his son's and his son was beaming. This is from age 10+. He's not outdoorsy though loved the boat fishing occasions.

Rambling now though curious people's experience, thoughts, etc...

Thanks in advance.

I am heartily sorry for all concerned, it is as difficult as you expect. The most important things to convey are that you care, are there for them and are prepared to listen to whatever he has to share. Your friend has his own priorities for his remaining time, best to respect those before or instead of trying to formally assist. By all means offer whatever help you are willing to provide. Don't be surprised if your friend needs or wants other things from you than what seems obvious or expected. Buckle up for confusion, sadness, anger, helplessness, maybe guilt.

PM if you like.

 

[mdcrossbow]

My sister was care giver for mom and dad. Both passed from cancer 3 months apart a few years ago. A couple months ago her husband was given up to 10 months with a incurable cancer. My little sister is the stronger person I know.

 

[Dave N]

You are a good person, Charles. I think you can figure out just how to carry on with the conversation with your friend just by seeing him in person. Try to make the best of what time you have to share.

 

[Rainer]

As someone who has had it. One thing i hated was when people treated you like you couldn't do anything on your own "Like please don't baby me". I also didn't like that people brought it up a lot. If I wanted to talk about it, I would. It's difficult to comprehend your own mortality. I know I dealt with it through dark humor.

I have named my tumor Willis and I say he's asleep still when I see my doctors. Just shoot the chit and when/if he wants to talk about it. Let'em vent if he wants to. A couple beers and a joint can do wonders

 

[MarvB]

Went through this with a buddy myself though his kids were older (30 &28). His son had all the estate and trust “duties” so his wife could concentrate on health and doctors. He just wanted to know that id be there for a backstop for both of them if needed (which I always will be) or than that he just wanted his friend of 45+ years to talk to. Was given 6-8 months, he’s now at 10. He’s a fighter! I’ve got to admit I flinch every time the damn phone rings.

 

[OntarioHunter]

Go visit like nothing has happened. That's what he will want. If the family has any questions about settling affairs, they will ask. I took care of my mom during her short final battle with cancer. Many family and friends came to visit. That's how they behaved. It worked for her ... and for me.

Tough road ahead. No one deserves that.

 

[geetar]

Nothing to offer but prayers for your friend and you as well.

 

[rjthehunter]

My grandpa was given a year to live with a lung condition that was slowly decreasing his lung capacity. We were blessed with 7 years with him.

I don't have any experience besides that really. I'll keep you guys in my prayers. It's not fair for anyone to have to go through this. I'd say just being available to talk is the biggest thing. You can mention it if you want, but I'd talk about other things unless he wants to talk about it.