Cancer. A Friend's Final 1-3 Month Prognosis.

[Nick87]

No real advice but I'm sorry to hear this cancer is a miserable !#)(*##+. Lost my Grandma
a few months ago to it. Seemed happiest when you enticed her about stories of her past, seemed to take her mind off of the problem at hand and brought back memories of the good old days on the farm.

 

[JEL]

Hard to know what to say but be there. When my dad was dying of brain cancer a lot of his friends just avoided the situation. I mean I get it. It is hard to know what to say or do. One good friend showed up every day. They just played cribbage. Meant the world to not only dad but all of us. Just be there.

 

[Tradewind]

I have found a lot depends on how long they have been dealng with it.
Denial comes early. Reality sets in after a while.
Just said good bye to a guy who rented space from me. Small talk to start.
Last half of a 45 min conversation spent dealing with the realities of what should be done
if/when he is gone. He had pancreatic cancel. went quick.
It's tough when you walk out the door with the last goodbye.
He wanted to be remembered, so he gave me a coffee mug he had.
Difficult conversation. But ask a leading question and see where it goes.
It's the elephant in the room and has to addressed.
Not fun.
But good for you for taking it on. Most people avoid it

 

[Straight Arrow]

Recently lost a friend, who ironically had been diagnosed with prostate cancer same month as I, only his was advanced while we caught mine early. He challenged the cancer for several years as an avid exercise enthusiast, even buying an electric bike so he could still ride and play golf. When it metastasized to bones, the end was near. We would talk once a week and he concentrated on sending me some of his sketches of old Montana farm equipment and continuing to share jokes, funny stories, and the positive highlights of our outdoor experiences together. Then one week, he couldn't be on the phone because his wife entered him into a hospice facility where he passed a few days later.
He was suffering physically, mentally, and emotionally ... but he hung onto his dignity, his self respect, and his humor. I'd like to think that my not avoiding the hard conversations and trying to be positive with him helped him hang on as courageously as he did.
If you have a friend or relative facing such a medical challenge, reach out to them. It is time well spent. Always remember, all but for the Grace of God you could be the patient.

 

[noharleyyet]

My brother in law was a lawyer in Dallas. Early 80's...he and my sister were a cool couple, two small children, a great house in a ritzy neighborhood, cool intelligent friends. 42 and an avid health enthusiast, he was jogging one day and experienced a sharp abdominal pain. The biopsy was worst case pancreatic cancer. Buried him 3 months later. I was going thru a very rough patch but travelled as many weekends as possible the 2 hour drive to be with him, my sister, and children. He didn't talk about it much and was very sick. Near the end he came to the study where I was drinking coffee and spoke with me, but it wasn't about his illness...he was worried about me. I'll never forget that and writing this chokes me up. To the end he was about being a real friend.

 

[geetar]

My brother in law was a lawyer in Dallas. Early 80's...he and my sister were a cool couple, two small children, a great house in a ritzy neighborhood, cool intelligent friends. 42 and an avid health enthusiast, he was jogging one day and experienced a sharp abdominal pain. The biopsy was worst case pancreatic cancer. Buried him 3 months later. I was going thru a very rough patch but travelled as many weekends as possible the 2 hour drive to be with him, my sister, and children. He didn't talk about it much and was very sick. Near the end he came to the study where I was drinking coffee and spoke with me, but it wasn't about his illness...he was worried about me. I'll never forget that and writing this chokes me up. To the end he was about being a real friend.

Man Harley! That’s a real friend right there. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Sytes]

Thanks to everyone for sharing experiences that are likely tough grit to reflect upon.

I don't have the funds to fly down repeatedly though I very much would enjoy spending time a few days a week playing cribbage w/ small chat and detailed chat as it draws upon conversation occasionally. Chit chat with his boy, make sure checklists his wife has can be fulfilled, etc...
I'll make plans for a trip each month - give a couple extra days.

Again, don't know how to say thank you enough. I'm not even in the rough seat. Merely traveling to visit a few days though HT outpour of personal reflection has greatly improved my means to chit chat and prepare points of contact.

I feel comfortable with spending time and look forward to shooting the chit, wherever that leads... Letting him know he's got friends with him and his family.

Thanks again.

 

[brymoore]

I was misdiagnosed last March and told I had 12 months to live. I spent 10 days thinking it was true and 60 days confirming it wasn’t.

I called my core group of friends to let them know when I learned as surgery was supposed to happen ASAP. We laughed, cried and reminisced. We didn’t talk about anything serious. I wanted them to know I considered them my friends.

I’m guessing your friend is the same. He’s probably has the financial/will stuff done for a while. I learned on a Thursday afternoon and had everything updated for my wife by Monday afternoon.

Just be his friend.

 

[hank4elk]

Sat. I ran into the Baca's at the station visiting family. She is my haircutter who has leukemia now and her family came and hunted elk here. She was looking very good and told me she is getting a marrow transplant. WOW.
They asked how I was doing and I almost felt guilty telling them I am doing good and it's in remission ,for now. We think.
I just said good, something is being done. That's positive. "Be positive Verlene". That earned me another hug. Greg asked if I needed anything and said I was looking a lot better than when they saw me in Sept.
"I'm good", I said. "Let me know if you guys need anything", another hug and a handshake.

The few friends I do have count. They matter now.

Account for something. Your a good one Sykes!

 

[Carl 9.3x62]

A buddy's wife contacted to share Doctor advised he has 1-3 months remaining.
They have a boy around 16.
I spoke with him after her message and he's coping with it as best as... Well, I don't know, he's coping. Preparing to route over to Hospice. He's about 45y/o.

Cancer is the bitch of bitches! He left our service about eight months earlier under disability retirement.

I'm flying out to spend a day or two in the next couple weeks.

Question for those who've experienced a similar situation:
Aside from small talk, did you discuss more detailed aspects? Family will, trust funds for son/wife, etc? Or just shoot the chit with him?
I represented him through some tough times as a Steward and as a friend we'd go fishing with his son. Epic fun times! I believe his smile was greater than his son's and his son was beaming. This is from age 10+. He's not outdoorsy though loved the boat fishing occasions.

Rambling now though curious people's experience, thoughts, etc...

Thanks in advance.

That does suck. A good friend and coworker of mine succumbed to cancer a couple years ago. During his final months I was able to visit him one last time. We just BS'd, had a good dinner and one last beer together. I still have the bottle cap. I told him I'd see him later as I left. We both knew it wasn't true I think. Anyway, it's tough. Not sure what the best approach is, I just kind of let him lead the conversation. Good luck.

 

[mdcrossbow]

I rarely think of this, my oldest son was about to go in the Navy for EOD. Couple weeks before he was to leave he went and had a lump taken off his ankle. The next day we get a call from Washington Hospital telling him get get there immediately ! Within a couple hours he was back in surgery. The Specialist, X Naval commander came out and told us he will be OK. They found 2 cells that were left and if one had gotten into his blood stream he'd be dead. Some rare form that only starts at the ankle. He said years ago the leg would have just been taken off.
He did 6 months chemo. He's 40 and doing great.
This all happened so fast had no time to think about it. The Lord is in control. His providence is over my family, That's all I know.

 

[utah400elk]

This is a real tough one. I had cancer and right before my surgery, I craved sincere conversations. I didnt want anything left on the table. However, when my dad passed he refused to talk about anything substantial. He only wanted to talk about what he was going to do when he got out of the hospital. I didnt matter what the Dr said. He was convinced he was walking out...He didnt. I would play it by ear and left your friend guide you. If you get that chance, tell him what your freind ship means to him. JMO

 

[dgc1963]

Lost a very close cousin last yr it took him fast he was a great guy and our last conversations were about all the fun things we did together, memories and family
It was the things he wanted to talk about he didnt want to talk about the cancer > He knew where he was going told me you know we all want to meet Jesus but nobody wants to die it seemed tougher on me and him family than it was on him
Let your friend guide the conversation and enjoy the time with him

 

[Sytes]

I spoke with my friend a few days ago. He sounded content, for lack of better words. Unfortunately, and as expected, he seemed to lose thought of prior casual discussions a few minutes earlier. His wife shared heavy medications to minimize pain effects his brain and the course cancer takes contributes

Last night I received a text from his wife,

"It's ####:
#### can't speak anymore he seems to be on his final days."

It has to be a challenge for his son (16y/o) and wife. I'm not sure if it's better to slowly fade with family or a quick pass...
I'm not a raised family person so I don't have a good vibe on what would be the most ideal for family.

I'm on the flight to Houston as I type. At this point, for his son, mostly.

Life...

 

[rmyoung1]

Praying for your friends, @Sytes

 

[Gerald Martin]

Praying for you today, Charles.

 

[mtmuley]

I've been there Charles. Prayers to all. mtmuley

 

[buckbull]

I'm sorry to hear that Sytes. I lost my dad to lung cancer when i was 23, can't imagine how hard it will be for a 16 year old.

 

[RealMuddyboots]

I know your path well. My best friend, hunting and fishing pard, passed Jan 13th short month ago from cancer. He was 71 a year younger than me so we are alike in so many ways. He just wanted the pure comfort of me being at his side and we just talked of whatever crossed his mind. He lived near me so I could see him a lot which was both good and bad. We went out for lunch when he thought he could muster strength to do so. Even a short ride was worth every mile we spent together. When he finally went into Hospice, I was able to get some responses even though he was drifting away from us. My thoughts are just be there at his side and let him lead the path you will follow. Damn, tears are flowing just of this thought from my pard and for you.

 

[deer_shooter]

I too know what you are going through. One of my closest friends from high school passed in 2016 a few days short of his 49th birthday. His fight was long and awful. Cancer truly does suck. Like all have said, just be there and listen. We would talk about the fun we had when we were younger, regrets, and life in general.
Last time I went over to his place, we sat and talked while he spent time downloading pictures and organizing them for his family. That visit I knew that he knew there was only one outcome. Until then he had been optimistic but at some point he just knew and accepted it with more grace than I think I would. He passed a few days later.