Nick87
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Was hoping for @rtraverdavis or @Hammsolo Would weigh in here from a school perspective....
Little parenting help
- Thread starter Nick87
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ashersdad
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Sorry you're going through this. Can he get a part-time job on a farm or something? I grew up on a dairy farm and was always busy before and after school and I think it helped not having too much down time as a teenager. Something about having animals that depend on you was a great thing for me. I have a 17 and 19 year old and working alot seems to keep them out of trouble and gives them some responsibility and a feeling of accomplishment. Just a thought. Good luck!
Nick87
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I agree. Like I said should have some again next year was just too much going on this year to get things set up.
Irrelevant
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The only thing I'll add is that hard work always made me feel better, after the fact. We'd periodically work our asses off on some family chore or adventure and it just seemed to help everyone.
I think it's admirable that you're seeking advice. Good on you Nick
I think it's admirable that you're seeking advice. Good on you Nick
Nick87
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Yah they don't come with an owners manual do they...lol
What could he help you with to get set up for them sooner?
Nick87
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Well we're a little too late to start then this year as I've git no appointments fir slaughter anyway and that's a year out. I've either git to pour a slab here. Or option B the neighbor has an old hog barn that's not in use. I'm slowly trying to warn up to her and possibly see about having him mow amd do chores in exchange for rent. Haven't approached her about it yet waiting for the right moment.
Gotcha! I mean even clearing an area, digging trenches for footings, drawing up designs for fences/gates, making a business plan or budget for animals could keep him focused and making that much more streamlined for when the time is right.
I’m also not a parent but my younger brother (17 year age gap and he’s currently 17) went through something similar over the last couple years. I’m introverted and he seems to have also gotten that trait, never many friends. The only thing that really seemed to make a difference in my experience is one on one time. I make a lot of effort to take him shooting with just us and now play mechanic since he’s got a truck. (P.s. I’m not a mechanic and he’s probably learned more what not to do but he does seem to enjoy it). It still flares up from time to time with a super short temper, haven’t really figured out anything to help with that yet.
Example, this morning he had a blow out on the way to work and you would think the world had ended. All I could do was drive 30 min and make sure he got everything done and off safely but I think just showing up helped him
Example, this morning he had a blow out on the way to work and you would think the world had ended. All I could do was drive 30 min and make sure he got everything done and off safely but I think just showing up helped him
Beat me to it!
Sorry to hear about the boy. Looks like I get to be that guy that says you have to make sure that if he's that depressed he doesn't have access to any guns. Really sorry about bringing it up but you always hear about it after it's too late. Good luck. I hope you find something that helps get him interested.
Hammsolo
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First, you’re headed in the right direction. You‘re doing something. You’re asking questions. You’re learning. Don’t change any of this. Kid’s need active parents that keep trying, and aren’t afraid to admit they don’t have all the answers. You’re modeling great behaviors that will serve him well.
It is key you keep talking to him, but it’s equally important how it’s done. Listen to what everyone else is saying, this shiz is hard. All parents face challenges like this unless they’re oblivious or living in denial.
From the teaching perspective, really focus on setting boundaries and expectations. Include him in making these decisions because he is old enough and can handle it. I would encourage you to sit down with him and ask him what his goals are, and why. If he doesn’t have any or resists identifying any, you’ll need to push him kindly. It’s an art to massaging a kid toward a goal.
Next, set up a meeting with him and his teachers, counselors and any other necessary school staff members. The best schools are focused on educating the whole student, and view the student, family, and school as a team working toward a common goal. Fill the school staff in before hand, and share with them your goal. Share with them that you want help, but are also prepared to help in any way possible. Your goal is fostering a mentally strong kid that is primarily happy, functional, and comfortable, and is resilient when facing challenges.
In this meeting you want to set the tone with everyone that you love your kid, am here to work as a team, and will do the hard work to support him through thick and thin. Your goal should be to leave this meeting united and with a plan. You should have clear goals, actions to get there, and a plan for a future check in.
What your son needs to see through all of this is that you’re committed. You won’t waiver. Your love isn’t dependent on his actions, but at the same time you have boundaries for him.
Does your family have “core values?” Do you speak to them often? If you don’t sitting down and creating a list of core values can be powerful and a foundation you can always rely on. One of our phrases is “work hard and have fun.” We say this to each other constantly. When Mia heads to soccer, or Skye heads to work at Subway they know I’ll be saying it.
He needs to know he has, and always will, the greatest impact on his life. I use the analogy of a hand of cards. He’s been dealt a hand. That’s reality. In life we rarely have the choice of drawing any new cards. All he can do is play his hand to the best of his ability.
My wife is an amazing counselor and has taught me so much. Try to get beyond what he’s doing, but did into the why. Kindly dig at why he’s hiding in the stair case. Dig more. Ask why or something similar after each of his statements. I also use the phrase “tell me more” a ton. It’s a positive phrase that encourages sharing. He needs to see you’re interested and deeply want to help for his sake. She has taught me a load about generalized anxiety and avoidant behaviors. The danger of avoidant behaviors is that they’re easy and don’t really fix anything. They seem to work, and slowly become peoples go to strategy. That is not good. It’s like avoiding leg day. It feels good. Our legs aren’t sore, but they’re not magically going to get stronger either.
I could go on and on. I could really go off on shizzy parents, my first wife and my kids step-dads…
Hit me up with a DM, and we could even talk over the phone if you’d like. In the end the most critical piece is being the lil’ engine that could. Just keep chugging. Sadly, a huge number of parents don’t.
Nick87
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No worries Dave first thing that went through my mind. My safe is at my brother's still but moved them to a different room and changed the lock.
rtraverdavis
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Sorry your boy is going through this, Nick. I know he’s your stepson, but he’s your son. You’ve raised him, you give a shit. I think it’s really good you’re seeking help.
The advice about working with a counselor, one-on-one time, and developing a meaningful project is solid.
As far as from the school perspective—have you reached out to his teachers individually? I would have a list of questions for them about his behaviors in class, who he associates with (if anyone), whether or not they’ve noticed any friction between him and other classmates, and what their thoughts are on what he’s going through. Ask them to partner with you in making sure they communicate (through actions) that he is wanted and needed and valuable to the class community. And who are the people in the building who talk with him when he’s hanging out on the stairs? Counselors? Security? Admin? I would talk with them to see what they think too. Communicate your concern with the school officials that interact with him regularly, and make it clear that you need their help in making sure he’s okay. They should be able to point him in the right direction for things to do, clubs and groups to check out. There are trained counselors in the school that can help him there too. Most people who work in schools are there because they genuinely care about kids and will be eager to help you.
Questions: Does he refuse to leave the stairwell at school, or will he go to class when prompted? Does he state his reasoning for skipping class, and does that reasoning make logical sense? Does he have a phone? Constant, easy access to the internet? He may be dealing with some real covert bullying—being the new kid and all. If he has a phone I’d consider taking it away for a while. I’ve seen kids completely fall apart because of stuff happening online.
If you get get him to open up to you, then he can be the driver of his own way forward. If he doesn’t open up, then I would calmly, lovingly let him know that you and your wife would be the drivers of the way forward, and that you would be making some demanding decisions about the way he spends his time.
Feel free to PM me with any specific questions you have about talking with people at the school. I can imagine how trying on your patience, frustrating, and concerning this must be for you guys.
perma
Well-known member
I’m going to try my best to give my perspective from the kid, because I was that kid. Although, he has a leg up on me because he had to move, I was almost made to but threw a fit.
I found something that interested me. My dad ALWAYS kept feeding me hunting gear, clothes, etc. I knew I wanted to go but I never did until college. I actually found influence in the bad kids at school and learned that sports were fun. I played basketball. Sadly, I hung out with those bad kids up to the point weed got involved. My parents did a good job of telling me that was a no no. Otherwise, I don’t think I’d be who I am today. Sadly, that friend I had took a dark path and ended his life some years ago.
Back to the sports interest, I learned that I enjoyed it, and my mother exploited it. When we had money, she got me shoes, a basketball, a hoop, video games, the works. She would watch NBA games with me and she’d let me teach her about what happened.
I think once you find something the kid is interested in, feed into it. That’s obviously going to be the hard part since I was more social (not by much, that friend approached me) but once you get there, make it your world. My mom and dad are NOT sports people by any stretch of the imagination, but they played along well and did take some interest, and that meant the world to me.
Then when he’s in college and you offer him a turkey hunt, he’ll get hooked because of all that gear you kept feeding him on the side.
On a side note, relationships he has with other girls (or guys if that’s the flavor he likes) that may not work out will be a hard reset.
I found something that interested me. My dad ALWAYS kept feeding me hunting gear, clothes, etc. I knew I wanted to go but I never did until college. I actually found influence in the bad kids at school and learned that sports were fun. I played basketball. Sadly, I hung out with those bad kids up to the point weed got involved. My parents did a good job of telling me that was a no no. Otherwise, I don’t think I’d be who I am today. Sadly, that friend I had took a dark path and ended his life some years ago.
Back to the sports interest, I learned that I enjoyed it, and my mother exploited it. When we had money, she got me shoes, a basketball, a hoop, video games, the works. She would watch NBA games with me and she’d let me teach her about what happened.
I think once you find something the kid is interested in, feed into it. That’s obviously going to be the hard part since I was more social (not by much, that friend approached me) but once you get there, make it your world. My mom and dad are NOT sports people by any stretch of the imagination, but they played along well and did take some interest, and that meant the world to me.
Then when he’s in college and you offer him a turkey hunt, he’ll get hooked because of all that gear you kept feeding him on the side.
On a side note, relationships he has with other girls (or guys if that’s the flavor he likes) that may not work out will be a hard reset.
Keep on
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Teenage boys are never open books, I raised two sons and neither would volunteer too much about what was going on in their lives.
Lots of good advice, I'd echo above, get in touch with the school and meet with the teachers and support staff. There is so much more available for kids who need some help these days than when we were in school. If he has an interest in farming, does the school have an FFA or is there a local 4-H he can get involved in?
Good on you and your wife for looking for a way to help him, so many kids go through stuff with nobody behind them.
Little trick I learned when raising my kids is some caffeine would help get them talking. My second one was notoriously quiet, we'd go out hunting or elsewhere for the day and I'd get him his own thermos with some hot chocolate, he'd get chatty after the first cup or two. I'm not saying jack him full of monsters, but it helped to get him talking, we had some pretty good talks over coffee and hot chocolate in the deer woods.
Hoping the best for your step son and family.
Lots of good advice, I'd echo above, get in touch with the school and meet with the teachers and support staff. There is so much more available for kids who need some help these days than when we were in school. If he has an interest in farming, does the school have an FFA or is there a local 4-H he can get involved in?
Good on you and your wife for looking for a way to help him, so many kids go through stuff with nobody behind them.
Little trick I learned when raising my kids is some caffeine would help get them talking. My second one was notoriously quiet, we'd go out hunting or elsewhere for the day and I'd get him his own thermos with some hot chocolate, he'd get chatty after the first cup or two. I'm not saying jack him full of monsters, but it helped to get him talking, we had some pretty good talks over coffee and hot chocolate in the deer woods.
Hoping the best for your step son and family.
LuketheDog
Well-known member
It's probably over a girl...
...but seriously, I'd get him to see a counselor, especially if his bio dad is a flake. Also maybe a visit to the dr. to make sure there aren't any health issues going on.
...but seriously, I'd get him to see a counselor, especially if his bio dad is a flake. Also maybe a visit to the dr. to make sure there aren't any health issues going on.
I’d be raising hell with the school. I can’t believe the school lets this type of situation occur. At the very least, they should be giving the kids detention for being tardy as a deterrent. I was a school board chair in a previous life so I understand the responsibility of a school. You can’t make a kid learn but you can make them attend class, or sit in detention, if in the building.
I’d have the principal on speed dial to have polite conversations about this until it was corrected so I would stop calling.
Pucky Freak
Well-known member
That’s telling. Kids at 15 often struggle a lot to make sense of their thoughts and feelings in stable circumstances. Crises can easily tip it over into being completely unmanageable.
If he didn’t have a good experience with his last counselor, I’d move on to someone else, knowing you may have to go through a few to find a good fit. Kind of like trying on shoes.
I’ll echo others comments about being supportive, compassionate, understanding, patient, etc. as he’s really struggling - soft approach sounds like it might work better than cracking down, etc.
With that being said, if it were me I’d treat the hallway behavior as an urgent matter. First try to resolve with school staff - counselor, home room teacher, principal, etc. If you can come up with a plan to get him back in the classroom that’s probably the first best option.
If that just doesn’t work out, I’d be looking at moving on to alternatives ASAP, like within 2-3 weeks. Examples include alternative program within the HS w/ more strict attendance requirements, alternative HS, homeschool, HS work program, or drop out to work and study for HiSET.
I had my first depression episode at 16 and I didn’t have much guidance or concern from a father figure to help navigate it. Probably the most impact you’re having is being intentional, which you’re already doing.
Nick87
Well-known member
Thanks guys the amount of help and encouragement through this thread and pm both. May take me a while to get back to some of you. @Keep on @rtraverdavis @Hammsolo And @Pucky Freak those were all the exact kind of answers I was looking for among many others here. Can't thank you guys enough. Gonna bounce this stuff off the wife later when she gets home from work. @neffa3 To answer your question in the other thread this is why people keep logging back in here even after they may have other threads that are discouraging. Some good people here to say the least.
