Divorce, do you ever see it coming...

[Focus]

To all you guys going through it right now my heart goes out to you. Cruddy time of the year for it to be happening (as if any other time of the year would be better?....probably not). Its been on my mind a lot recently and I hope the counseling my wife and I going through sets things right. Hard to imagine life without her since we’ve experienced so much together, good and bad. Once again this forum and all you guys are providing a lot of learning for this HT’er. Thank you.

 

[devon deer]

Looks like most of the posters are male, I wonder if there are any female members who have or are going through the same painful times?
I see an opportunity for a another section on this forum 'hunt talkers looking for love!' I see some threads on here where many a successful partnership revolves around a passion for hunting.
Mind you, me and the wife are polar opposites, I love the hunting/fishing/hiking scene, she loves shops and beach, go figure!
Cheers
Richard

 

[IdahoPotato]

Looks like most of the posters are male, I wonder if there are any female members who have or are going through the same painful times?
I see an opportunity for a another section on this forum 'hunt talkers looking for love!' I see some threads on here where many a successful partnership revolves around a passion for hunting.
Mind you, me and the wife are polar opposites, I love the hunting/fishing/hiking scene, she loves shops and beach, go figure!
Cheers
Richard

Richard, I'm curious how this situation works out in your marriage being polar opposites. I thought it was a good thing in the beginning. She had her things and I did mine. Eventually we realized we were so different that we had no reason to be married after 7 years. Right now I can't even imagine considering going through this again with someone who doesn't share a big chunk of my hobbies. We definitely didn't take the "marry your best friend" advice seriously enough.

 

[devon deer]

Richard, I'm curious how this situation works out in your marriage being polar opposites. I thought it was a good thing in the beginning. She had her things and I did mine. Eventually we realized we were so different that we had no reason to be married after 7 years. Right now I can't even imagine considering going through this again with someone who doesn't share a big chunk of my hobbies. We definitely didn't take the "marry your best friend" advice seriously enough.

It's down to individual personalities in the end I guess, we met and married within 6 months of meeting each other, they say in life you know when you meet 'the one', both of us had been previously engaged, but thankfully it never worked out, we both realise that now.
A little story of how we met, I was engaged to be married, but I was young and stupid, I had to go into hospital for an operation, my wife was a nurse, she chatted to me a lot during my short stay, I don't know to this day why but I wrote her name down in my fly fishing magazine, a few months later after my engagement ended I looked out the magazine, contacted her, but she was not really interested, fast forward 12 months, I was minding my own business in a bar and I had tap on the shoulder, the rest they say is history.

Don't get me wrong, we spend a lot of time together, we enjoy each others company, she has a few good friends she meets socially, and has her own interests, same as me.
I am a lucky guy, I realise that, there can't be many wives who would let their husband fly to Montana and hunt, 4 times now, but when she wants to do anything I listen, I have never said no to anything, as an example I paid for her last Sun holiday with her sister, but she said she wants us to go on a Sun holiday together, no problem, as long as I can watch Youtube!

Sorry, I don't have any secrets to a successful marriage, it just works for us.
We make a good team.

Cheers

Richard

 

[Muskeez]

I'd say Richard's secret is that they both give each other what they need. Alone time and together time and attention. Even for those of us that had cheating spouses we have to ask ourselves why? Well, they don't do that if all or most of their needs are being met. And remember, sex isn't highest on their needs list even though that's what they end up doing with the Cheat-ee. I was running a successful business, making an incredible living, we bought whatever we wanted, built a house, had 3 kids, she worked 1-3 days a week, I coached 3 baseball/softball teams for our kids at a time, we all fished and hunted and camped together a LOT, it was the perfect life in my book! And yet, I didn't give her the tiny things like noticing and liking her new hairstyle or nails, buying her flowers as often as I should, slowing down and looking her in the eye and telling her WHY I love and appreciate her not just saying it on the way out the door each morning. They require a lot more and different things than us, and if we don't learn what they require and keep the needs fed they will find it elsewhere. Goes both ways. There's my 2 cents worth for the day.

 

[Focus]

A little story of how we met, I was engaged to be married, but I was young and stupid, I had to go into hospital for an operation, my wife was a nurse, she chatted to me a lot during my short stay, I don't know to this day why but I wrote her name down in my fly fishing magazine, a few months later after my engagement ended I looked out the magazine, contacted her, but she was not really interested, fast forward 12 months, I was minding my own business in a bar and I had tap on the shoulder, the rest they say is history.

That right there is a great story!! Like out of a movie or something....

 

[NR_Hunter]

Never been married, but on the outside looking in on marriages that have failed it was pretty obvious they wouldn’t work out.

For example and very good friend of mine rushed into a marriage. On the night of my friends wedding the brides brother and his boyfriend got into a fight over whether dog needed to be brought in to an emergency vet. As a groomsmen, I had to jump in and break up a gay fight. I’m sure my buddy would have fared ok, but I basically saved him from getting jumped by two gay guys. The dog saw a vet the following Monday and was fine.

Same friend, on the honeymoon a week later, calls me and asks if I’m at the family cabin... at 2 am. He says he needs to come over tonight. I tell him if he’s drunk he should wait until morning but he says he got in a huge fight with his new bride and needs to leave. I tell him okay, and a few hours later he shows up, towing his boat for some reason, shirtless, with his dogs. At this point, 2 weeks into things, I knew it wouldn’t last.

Anyways. The marriage lasted like a year. Idk why I told this story to be honest, but yeah it’s pretty obvious to me when things don’t work out.

 

[Zach]

I feel for the OP, Dave and others, not that I've had a divorce personally, but seen it in friends. I've been married now 28 years. Had our ups and downs, but life is pretty good now.

I will say that for the OP at least your son is grown and out of the house. It's still going to be something to deal with, but at least you're not sitting a 5 year old boy on the couch and trying to explain that Mom and Dad aren't going to live with each other anymore and that you'll see one of them every other weekend.

 

[300stw]

I feel for the OP, Dave and others, not that I've had a divorce personally, but seen it in friends. I've been married now 28 years. Had our ups and downs, but life is pretty good now.

I will say that for the OP at least your son is grown and out of the house. It's still going to be something to deal with, but at least you're not sitting a 5 year old boy on the couch and trying to explain that Mom and Dad aren't going to live with each other anymore and that you'll see one of them every other weekend.

that is a bonus, some folks here have reached out to me for insight, ect, i appreciate, it, i am taking steps to change me for me, baby steps, maybe someone will notice and i wont do this again, there is always room for self improvement i believe, and faith has to become a big part of this change

 

[Dave N]

It's down to individual personalities in the end I guess, we met and married within 6 months of meeting each other, they say in life you know when you meet 'the one', both of us had been previously engaged, but thankfully it never worked out, we both realise that now.
A little story of how we met, I was engaged to be married, but I was young and stupid, I had to go into hospital for an operation, my wife was a nurse, she chatted to me a lot during my short stay, I don't know to this day why but I wrote her name down in my fly fishing magazine, a few months later after my engagement ended I looked out the magazine, contacted her, but she was not really interested, fast forward 12 months, I was minding my own business in a bar and I had tap on the shoulder, the rest they say is history.

Don't get me wrong, we spend a lot of time together, we enjoy each others company, she has a few good friends she meets socially, and has her own interests, same as me.
I am a lucky guy, I realise that, there can't be many wives who would let their husband fly to Montana and hunt, 4 times now, but when she wants to do anything I listen, I have never said no to anything, as an example I paid for her last Sun holiday with her sister, but she said she wants us to go on a Sun holiday together, no problem, as long as I can watch Youtube!

Sorry, I don't have any secrets to a successful marriage, it just works for us.
We make a good team.

Cheers

Richard

Richard, you and your wife are a lovely couple. It was nice getting to know you both while we were there!

Complete opposites here as well when we met. County boy, city girl. Some of my friends told me to stay away from her but when you're in a bar sometimes the rut takes over your mind! Both of us are strong willed and bull headed and always have to be right. Lasted longer than most people would have thought.

It's been somewhat helpful reading the replies here. Thanks for the well wishes for all of us going through this. It's going to be a bumpy ride I'm sure.

 

[JDH]

Well, shit guys. Is divorce season right in the middle of hunting season or what?

Mine ended three days ago. The beginning of the end anyway. We agreed it's over. I had to convince her we were both miserable (we are/were). No big fight, just a lot of sadness. No kids. Seven years. She's going to put me in a mortgage and take the rest and the two dogs. No Lawyers (thank baby jesus). I have a good job that she followed me to, so it's fair she gets most of the assets. A big chunk of it was her father's inheritance. Losing my two retrievers hurts a lot. It all feels like a wet blanket that I can't get off. I'm 32. It's all still raw, but one day I hope I can find someone that wants to go hunting with me and maybe start a family.

I almost have the same situation going on as you. Been married 6 years and a couple of weeks ago I finally had enough and told her I was sick of all her negativity and complaining. We were planning on trying to have kids about 8 months ago (at my urging) and she asked me why I wasn't pushing her to have kids anymore. Told her if something didn't change I was done. It may be the beginning of the end for me as well.

 

[IdahoPotato]

I almost have the same situation going on as you. Been married 6 years and a couple of weeks ago I finally had enough and told her I was sick of all her negativity and complaining. We were planning on trying to have kids about 8 months ago (at my urging) and she asked me why I wasn't pushing her to have kids anymore. Told her if something didn't change I was done. It may be the beginning of the end for me as well.

Sorry to hear that. The biggest thing I have taken from this is that people don't change. They are who they are. Promises to change are short term wishes. The upside is that I feel like I know who I am now more than ever before.

Take it slow. If you decide to break it off the first 24-48 hours will feel like shock. I was driving home the other day and I just had tears streaming - I don't remember the last time I cried. It's slowly balancing out.

Good luck man. Reach out if you need to chat.

 

[brymoore]

I was in a seminar that had an attorney present statistics on divorce. At the time, 76% of divorces were started by women.

I now ask my wife where she is on the divorce scale. Statistically, she’ll be the one to file.

 

[Nameless Range]

I know little of divorce outside of a close friend I have that has gone through it. This has been a very thought provoking thread, and you are on my mind.

 

[TexanSam]

As a 24 year old who has never been married, any plans for marriage are out the window after reading this thread lol

 

[Zach]

that is a bonus, some folks here have reached out to me for insight, ect, i appreciate, it, i am taking steps to change me for me, baby steps, maybe someone will notice and i wont do this again, there is always room for self improvement i believe, and faith has to become a big part of this change

Take it from this 5 year old boys perspective, it is a bonus. My dad remarried after about 4 years, my mom took about 15 years. Both of them are happier now and still married to that 2nd person.

I'd say don't be afraid to talk to someone, anyone. I know my rough times had a better result with a patient ear.

 

[Panda Bear]

I already commented on this thread but was asked via pm if I could expand my thoughts being one of the Females on the forum who is married.

I can only speak for myself and I am not and dont want to be a marriage counselor. I have witnessed both husbands and wives abused physically and mentally and yet they stay in a loveless marriage. I have heard every reason in the book on why they stay, but children, nowhere else to go, is often heard. How sad. IMHO sometimes I think "pride" can damage, perhaps beyond repair, an otherwise good marriage. And the grass always looks greener concept--but is it. We see our spouses at their worst and then see a man or woman we are attracted to but when we see them they are nicely dressed and composed --when we see them at work. But they didn't look like that when they woke up, and were stressed over bills, kids, illness, etc. I am personally a big supporter of "dates" after marriage and I mean away from everything and everybody type dates.

For me personally my husband and I enjoy the same things, he is my best friend.

On the forum, I know April and her husband were married over 50 years before he passed away and they also did everything together. I like the forum names of--- Hunting husband and Hunting wife, I also know that my parents enjoy doing everything together, so in my small world and with that small sampling I will go with the odds being in your favor if you enjoy doing things together and also "like" each other, not just "love" each other. I am sure everyone here has heard or even said, "he or she is in lust , not love"
One night of Lust is easy, maybe even fun, but not necessarily something you can build a life around, but maybe

 

[2rocky]

I'm 3 years and 7 months out of that day I said "I'm done." I saw it coming but I wasn't ready for it. I think I did a lot to alienate my kids and their mother in the roughly 4 years prior and I had a lot of resentment built up over the 20 years of marriage.

Now that I'm on the other side of it, and have a woman in my life who is loving and supportive, I can work on myself and dealing with my reaction to things that come up in relationships.

I find Athol Kay's writing on "Mindful Attraction" has been helpful as I build a relationship.

I wish you the best as you navigate this Crucible. I think there is a lot of introspection a man can make during the process, and go forward in a positive direction because there is no going back; only forward...

 

[noharleyyet]

Ray Charles could've seen my dumb alpha-azz screw up my first go-round...but I couldn't.

 

[Bambistew]

Went through this about 12 years ago. Tough time for a month or two, but I made it though ok. Funny thing is a good friend from here on HT was also going through a divorce. It was nice to have someone to go through the misery with...

I saw it coming, but not until near the end. She ended up spending an inordinate amount of time with her boss the last year we were together, and continues to do so today as far as I know. I didn't think much about it at first because she worked a lot of hours and was very successful in her career. But times started getting longer and longer, and then working Saturdays, getting home late, etc. I trusted her right up to the end, until I caught her lying... then I knew.

We had many things in common and many things not. Which I think is fine, you do need some time for just yourself, and being in a codependent relationship is phucked...

I think we were together almost 8 years and married for 5. She wanted someone who had everything in common with her, and was not willing to share her time doing something she didn't want to do. Fair enough, but at the same time I did a lot of things I didn't really care to do, but sucked it up and made her happy. That happy wife, happy life thing is true and also not true... If they are not happy, they will never be. Its not your job to make them happy.

When it all came to an end, she was really pissed that she had no control over what I did. She hated having to jump through hoops I put up and drug it out almost 3 years. She wanted it all and to screw me, for whatever reason. I was smart enough to lawyer up right out the gate. I got what I wanted and felt I deserved, but was not greedy either. I could have taken her to the cleaners.

I've been re-married for 7 years have a couple kids and couldn't be happier.

Chin up, life will get better. On the bright side you now have all sorts of vacation time to do whatever you want. hahaha. When I moved up here, I fished for 40 days in a row, went on a sheep hunt, a moose hunt and an elk/deer hunt in Montana, all in about 4 months.