Marriage advice for a newbie

[bailey68]

We have had the same checking and savings accounts for 27yrs. It seems to work, it neither a competition nor a fairness issue to dwell on. Both of us have made sacrifices for one another. It's just worked into the finances. Always helps to be tightening your belt some prior, and listen to that voice in your head about the long term goals of hunting delays or comes between buying the house i would say nay. DON'T let others outside your immediate household influence your decision what's best for you and your wife. It's your call. Just don't end the day and at one another.

 

[teej89]

I guess I don’t get the joke.

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[Pucky Freak]

We do all our joint purchases from a joint account, and then monthly we both withdraw equal $ amounts for individual recreation, which goes into our respective personal checking accounts. At the beginning of the month we jointly decide how much $ it will be. The minimum is $300 split down the middle, but some months it's four figures each if we have a 3rd paycheck, tax refund, or some other windfall. I use about 90% of my half for hunting, including application fees, whereas she uses it for a bunch of different stuff, including a Caribbean cruise this spring that I'm not going on. This may not work for every couple, but works well for us as there is no objection or complaint from one another as to how the money is spent, since it's 50/50.

 

[bullbugle307]

A lot of the marriage advice you find may be more geared towards a more traditional sharing of finances. If that's your situation, there are many others here that can give you better advice than me.

That being said.....

I know it's not an option for everyone, but I feel pretty strongly about keeping somewhat separate finances in the event that you both are independently able to support your agreed upon standard of living and your hobbies while also planning for the future.

My wifes family is way more well off than mine, and she makes more money than I do. From the beginning, I knew it would be an uphill climb to try and match her finances given her family and education background vs. mine and given her high paying career vs. me working in a more blue collar job. For a multitude of reasons, I didn't want to be taking more than I put in.

We discuss and make major purchases together just like anyone else, and we each pay towards those purchases, but other than that our money is our money. We keep seperate savings, separate credit cards...etc.

We both hunt, but I pay way more money for hunting, gear, etc...than she does. She thinks I spend too much on gear, tags and gas, but its not a major point of contention because the bills are always paid and I put money in savings and in a retirement account every month to save for our future.

She likes international travel way more than I do. I think she spends too much money going on 3-4 international trips a year, and I find it hilarious that she complains about throwing 150 bucks in the hat come application season after spending a bunch of money on trips, but again, it's not a major point of contention. She has savings, retirement, and we have a mutual emergency fund.

We rib each other a little bit from time to time about what we do and don't want to spend money on, but we also know what makes the other person happy, and that we aren't always going to be in lock step on how we want to spend our expendible income and free time. Rather than fight about it or try and force the other to conform to our way all the time, we generally just agree to do our own thing when we have different things in mind.

So far, neither of us has felt the need to really object or really question something major that the other person does, but I'm confident if that were to happen we could come to a compromise and embrace the need for peace vs. justice as Randy Newberg says. Overall I think our arrangement keeps a lot of financial animosity from rearing its ugly head, but its by no means a one size fits all arrangement given the diversity of relationships and their ever changing nature.

One thing I should reiterate is that none of this happens in a vacuum of communication. I talked about how I wanted somewhat separate finances before we married (which wasn't a hard sell). We talk about our desires and how we want to spend our money and time A LOT still. We have a good enough knowledge of one another's finances to not have issues, but we have also have enough independence that we're not micromanaging each other. We know when we disagree (often times we balance each other out for the better), we communicate openly when we really need something from the other person, and we make concessions when we need to.

A marriage is the most important and rewarding relationship you'll ever have in your life, and also the most complicated.

I think more people should move towards relationships with somewhat separate finances given the ability to do so. It seems like finances is the number one cause for problems in marriages and that often times those things could be avoided with healthy boundaries.

Best of luck wading through all the advice on this thread and finding what works best for you two.

 

[JDH]

haha I figured I was, I just very rarely purchase something for myself. So with this being the first time bringing it up I was trying to get advice from the experienced ones.

If I sense some hesitation I will tell her the draw odds. I've started to notice that if the odds are less than 20% she thinks it's a waste of money and if it's higher than 75-80% it takes a little convincing that it's in the budget. I did fudge them a little once in order to stay below that 75% mark.

 

[JDH]

I know others have disagreed but the above is key for me. I just had my 12 year anniversary and didn't hunt much/at all during the first several years. During the middle years I did some small trips and generally started to get more active as our finances have allowed. Starting back in 2016 I really got the bug to start hunting out west seriously and regularly. At that time, I basically sat my wife down and told her what my plans were and listened to her opinion. Although it's hard for her to agree that spending a couple/few thousand dollars every year on my hobby I basically told her that 1) I'm in my 30's and I only have much health left (my dad even less health left), 2) Our income is at the point that my hunting expenses don't even come close to taking from our ability to cover our living expenses, 3) It is something I want to do and I've been putting it off for a long time. It is basically my only real hobby with any financial burden. Again, she doesn't see the value for her, but understands the value for me. She sees how much it soothes my soul to spend time in the woods/mountains. And we couldn't make it work if I wasn't perfectly clear and open with her about it.

I still take my family on vacations that are awesome. And we just spent more on a new dining room table (had the last one something like 6 - 10 years) than I will on all my hunting expenses combined this year (likely lol). So I guess all of that to say that, before we couldn't afford it, but now we can lol @Hilljackoutlaw

My wife also sees the value in letting me out to "hug a tree" now and then as one of her friends calls it. And hunting is also my only real hobby that has any real financial burden.
I also lucked out at her dad's expense. When we started dating, her dad told her to let me go hunting, as his wife was controlling when he was younger and didn't let him and he resented her for it.

 

[Khunter]

I know every couple is different, but I've never understood why people put all their money together and then wonder how to split it fairly.

We decided that we need $_____ per month to cover mortgage, utilities, groceries, and some entertainment for the month.

We each contribute a portion of that (based off a percentage of each of our earnings) into a bank account we call the "joint account."

Anything beyond our joint account contributions goes to our separate personal bank accounts. I apply, buy, save, do whatever I want with that money and never have to discuss what I'm spending money on. Seems to work for us.

Any plan to plan for and retire together comfortably? Just from you said there seems a giant hole in the master plan...Is there an agreed approach to save money or is that up to whatever each person feels like doing or not doing?

 

[madtom]

Any plan to plan for and retire together comfortably? Just from you said there seems a giant hole in the master plan...Is there an agreed approach to save money or is that up to whatever each person feels like doing or not doing?

Didn't get that deep into our finances I guess. We're fortunate to both have pensions through our employers and IRAs that take money out of each paycheck before we get them. Hoping to do that retirement thing one day in the early 2040s...

 

[Deleted member 28227]

Didn't get that deep into our finances I guess. We're fortunate to both have pensions through our employers and IRAs that take money out of each paycheck before we get them. Hoping to do that retirement thing one day in the early 2040s...

NBD just start taking payday loans at age 60 and spend it all on scratchers and powerball.

Show that David Ramsey what a real mans plan looks like.

 

[Aussie_hunter_JD]

My wife and I put 80% of our wages to the house and bills. The remaining few bucks are our own. No idea what she spends most of her coin on, not really my business as she's an adult. She feels the same about me.

My motto is that you can do as some do and save every penny forgoing on things you enjoy in the hopes that one day you're in a position to enjoy them. There's nothing to say you will live long enough to have avheieved anything other than working though.
You could also spend every cent you own and when you're ready to settle down have no assets or money and have to work much later in life to get comfortable.
Alternatively you can work hard and save while also spending and living a bit too.

I refuse to die without living, you get one crack at life and you're a long time dead. But my wife and kids also need a roof over their heads. Meeting in the middle isn't that hard.

 

[teej89]

NBD just start taking payday loans at age 60 and spend it all on scratchers and powerball.

Show that David Ramsey what a real mans plan looks like.

David Ramsey

 

[NEW PA MT MN]

Been married 43 years. We had 4 children who all had 4 years of college. I went 11 times hunting in Colorado and Wyoming. I bought a new 25 ft fully rigged great lakes fishing boat I used on the great lakes and outer banks for years. Tons of charters fishing the Pacific and Alantic. Scuba diving Caribbean and Sea of Cortez. Cabin in Alaska. Leaving for some fishing and drinking in Cabo San Lucas on Saturday.
The wife doesn't fish ,hunt or scuba. Did tons of other things solo too.
Selfish guy. Guilty.
Retired 10 years ago at 57.
How?
My wife always made more than me.
She retired a year ago.
Here's some advise an old guy gave me in a bar years ago.
Maybe it's already been said.
"It's a lazy man who can't find his wife a second job"

 

[kansasdad]

For the singles reading this, a word of wisdom/wit from my Uncle James:

You can marry more money in one day than you can make in a lifetime.

 

[Mallardsx2]

Subscribed. lol

 

[nisayvx]

That's exactly what I need to know. Thank you for your advice. I'm actually going through a very difficult time in my life. My husband has filed for divorce and I need to learn how to live without him. I'm working with a psychologist to get over it and move on with my life. I also read various blogs to know how to cope with divorce. And I hope I don't make so many mistakes in my next marriage. So I thank you for your helpful advice.

 

[belshawelk]

I have been married once once and for 32 years and still going strong.

Here is my simple advice: If you wife is unhappy you'll be unhappy. If your wife is unhappy long enough, you'll be unhappy with half your shit.

Although my buddy recently with through a long divorce. he told me later, " you know why a divorce is so expensive? Because its worth it."

There you go.

 

[Jdp010]

I apply for almost everything in every western staten and the NE moose states.

I have never added it up and hope I never do.

The fact you suspect this will be an issue with your wife might indicate you don't yet have the financial security to play the NR points game? I would make sure you are maximizing any retirement accounts at work and hitting your personal IRA limits also before throwing money at NR points and tags. You will start drawing those NR tags and that is when it really gets expensive (and fun).

Get to be a better hunter in your home state on cheap tags and ensure you are taking advantage of all local species first.

Then, add only the more affordable NR states. I consider those to be NM and UT (+/- Wy). And keep going with CO if you got in before the big change. I would reserve some of the more expensive state point games until you are wealthy enough to not need to see it in a spreadsheet (MT, AZ, ID).

 

[Europe]

There is some very lucky women out there. And children

Some very fine husbands, fathers, men-----frequent this forum. Well done guys.

I was going to suggest to the OP to listen to Kathy Mattea, Where'v you been. and/or Brad Paisley Waiting on a Woman, but if those dont ring true to you, then try Brad Paisleys, I'm going to miss her ? (-:

Kathy's song hit pretty close home when my husband passed.

Anyway I can't add much to what has already been said. We managed to ride out the tough times without killing each other and enjoyed the good ones and there were may many more good ones than bad. I miss him

I was only married once so my knowledge of riding out the bad times is limited to doing so with one man. I told my children and grandchildren and have even mentioned this to my older great grand children.

"Pride" can be a killer in a relationship.

And she doesn't need you to take her to Hawaii to the best hotels. Try surprising her sometimes with a picnic AND you arrange it all. sandwiches, wine, flowers, blanket, a tape recorder with some of her favorite songs AND your undivided attention. Shut off your phone. Tell her you love her, tell her how beautiful she is, talk to her. We get so busy we dont take the time to talk and "listen"--and I dont mean just--"hear"

However---Dont totally discount the trip to Hawaii--that works too (-:

 

[Deleted member 28227]

However---Dont totally discount the trip to Hawaii--that works too (-:

 

[VikingsGuy]

When the provided haha emoji is just not enough