Hunting funds?

[JLS]

My wife is buying a $2200 mini labradoodle dog with our tax refund. At first I flipped out, then I listened to Randy’s podcast. I stopped it and went and got her, we listened together. After reflection on what the other wives were saying, a $2200 dog is a drop in the bucket to my past selfish purchases. That’s her money as much as mine.

A good drahthaar is 2/3 of that cost

 

[Addicting]

Look on the upside, sounds like a good candidate for a shed-hunting dog!

It might be hypoallergenic, but I bet it could find every cocklebur in the woods. Good thing I won’t be sneezing when I have to pick them all out.

 

[rustneversleeps]

Im so glad I don't have these conundrums anymore

 

[Big Fin]

Maybe I am wrong, but a relationship is about both time and commitment, the two hardest things to value, yet we seem to try measure it in the most easily valued item, money. The time part is hard to measure in terms of economic value. My wife and her friends, albeit a small sample size, look at time spent together/apart as a bigger issue than money spent. The time she spends doing things around the house so I can be the bread winner is duly noted in my ledger. If I had to help with the things she has taken on as "her job," my time available to earn far higher hourly rates than she can would be less. So, even though I am "winning the bread" in some sense, without her support and agreement to disjoin me from other tasks that surely need to be done, the amount of "bacon I bring home" would be far less.

With that logic, it is hard for me to understand seeing it through the lens as merely "who makes what;" such as "this is mine and that is yours."

A guy cannot do a lot of the things women do. I can assure you in 99% of American households, women get tired of the guy effing up the laundry, not sweeping the floors, screwing up the grocery shopping, leaving crusted mashed taters on the dishes he washed, and eventually they just start doing more of those tasks themselves. As a result, they spend more of their time doing those things. In doing so, they incur an opportunity cost of not investing that time earning cash they could put in "their account."

When kids enter the equation, we (guys) can't give birth, we don't have our bodies completely changed by carrying children, we can't nurse the baby at 3am, the kids always run to the nurturing parent (woman) when they have pains and illness, and the list goes on and on. Not sure how all of that can be discounted in a discussion of who is earning what and how we allocate what is earned.

Again, maybe I am just out in the weeds. I am the most spoiled husband in America. My wife tells me she feels like the most spoiled wife in America. We strive to keep it a contest of who is most spoiled. We never fight about money, though we have to be careful with our budgeting. When we get busy and we fail to value the other's time and contribution to "the partnership," that is when we have some heated discussions.

Not that anyone needs my input, but here it is. If any young guy is thinking a relationship is all about who makes what and how it gets allocated, history shows that road ahead will have plenty of bumps with some of those bumps being really big, especially when kids enter the equation. If time could be easily deposited to, and spent from, an account, like money can with a bank account, I, and most men I know, would be seriously overdrafted. Just a fact of how marriage, his/her partner relationships, kids, and life works.

 

[Muskeez]

Good stuff Randy and others! Let's think of it from the other side. My wife works a full time job, then waitresses one night a week. She does this because she is more social than I am, enjoys some of her coworkers as she has been there doing that for 30 yrs., and just enjoys a night a week to herself. I enjoy that evening to go scouting or fishing or piddle with equipment, alone. Currently she uses that extra money from that one night's work to pay off some old debt that I didn't know about when we got married five years ago. (I can give advice on that topic at a later date!) - anyway, when that debt is paid off (real soon) I was planning to let her keep that money for her "girl stuff", crafting projects, shopping, trips with her sisters. I make 2x as much as she does and within reason, when I feel the need for new hunting and fishing gear I get it, one piece at a time from OUR combined regular checks. Now, I would like to add that no bills get paid until 20% of my income gets put into mutual funds/ROTH, etc. for retirement. Before you do any spending on hobbies, get that retirement started as soon as you get married. My wife brought none in at age 45 when we got married. I had a real nice start, but that is all OUR money to retire together on. So, ya, the shoe is on the other foot here, but I'm gonna continue to let her keep that extra money for her things since she is earning it over and above her normal job. = happy wife, I hope. Money has to be the roughest thing to talk about in a marriage, we can agree on religion and agree to disagree on some politics

 

[ignorethefringes]

. . . If time could be easily deposited to, and spent from, an account, like money can with a bank account, I, and most men I know, would be seriously overdrafted. Just a fact of how marriage, his/her partner relationships, kids, and life works.

Very well said. My trip to Idaho later this year is going to take me away from my wife and kids for 9-10 days. That will probably put me a few years overdraft all by itself, not even considering other trips I'll take over weekends this year and future trips in coming years.

 

[Deleted member 28227]

I can assure you in 99% of American households, women get tired of the guy effing up the laundry, not sweeping the floors, screwing up the grocery shopping, leaving crusted mashed taters on the dishes he washed, and eventually they just start doing more of those tasks themselves.

Finally made it into the 1% for something!

We divided up household chores in our marriage by which ones irritate you the most if done "incorrectly" or if neglected for too long, I'm a clean freak and so do all the cleaning + laundry, my wife hates eating the same meals over and over again every night so she does the cooking.

I believe, my wife's time is just as valuable as mine, we are both putting long hours into our partnership and equally split the rewards.

 

[duckhunt]

Last I checked, once you're married, It's our MONEY AND OUR EXPENSES!! Regardless of who makes more, more hours worked. Call me old school, but if it was me I would sit down with your wife and create budget both your incomes, both your debts and expenses and set Saving goals and purchase goals as a family.

This is what we do. We both have hobbies so this works for us.

 

[dcopas78]

I work extra contracts that help pay for my hunting gear, licenses, preference points, etc. I also have been using this extra money to pay off all debt over the last few years. I'm doing all of this with the hope that all of my income from the final 10-15 years I plan on working will be totally invested in retirement. I work between 48-52 hours away from home and do usually 6-8 at home. I've made it a point to enjoy the time I'm off with my wife and kids. I make sure she is taken care of. She rarely asks for anything, but I make sure she gets what she asks for as long as it is something that we can afford without sacrificing the payoff budget we are on.
I think the biggest thing is help around the house. I'm lucky in that my wife far values my time with her and the kids over the material things in life. She loves that I do nearly all of the cooking (I'm a better cook anyways ), I try to keep the dishes washed up, help a ton with the kids, make sure they are dressed and ready to go to daycare before I leave for the morning while she is getting ready for work. Her friends get extremely jealous that I do what I do for her. It may seem trivial and part of the "responsibility" of being a good husband and dad, but it goes a long way toward a mutual and peaceful relationship. I think it is a responsibility that is greatly overlooked. It's too easy to come in and say "I've made money today so I'm sitting on the couch now". Unfortunately, that happens a lot and leads to problems from what I've saw. There have never been any arguments about what I spend to hunt. I think your best bet is to just talk to your wife, do some of the honey-do stuff with the extra income and have a good budget that allows for you to pursue your hunting adventures.

 

[Muskeez]

dcop makes great points, I would just suggest investing some of your funds now instead of waiting until the last 10-15 years. I'm no financial advisor but in investing time is your friend. You can invest the same amount of money spread out over 30 years as you would in the last 10-15 years and have a WAY BIGGER retirement account when you decide to retire. It could mean the difference in retiring at age 62 or at age 67 or even more. just my 2 Cents. Best wishes!

 

[dcopas78]

dcop makes great points, I would just suggest investing some of your funds now instead of waiting until the last 10-15 years. I'm no financial advisor but in investing time is your friend. You can invest the same amount of money spread out over 30 years as you would in the last 10-15 years and have a WAY BIGGER retirement account when you decide to retire. It could mean the difference in retiring at age 62 or at age 67 or even more. just my 2 Cents. Best wishes!

I do that as well. 12% right now for both of our incomes. That will jump drastically when the house is paid. A few more years, then start building my "out west" retirement fund lol

 

[oleefish2]

AS a guy that caused his 1st marriage to end in divorce because of an addiction to hunting and fishing read and think about what has been posted. I did not spend to much money and treated her and the kids well, but I could not do anything that I did not include fishing or hunting even in conversations. I would go on wilderness trips and not tell her where I would be fore sure and got lost once for 2 days and so she could not even tell someone how to look for me, I was a selfish. Luckily I did learn and have been married for 25 years the second time and now know how to enjoy just fun stuff and am willing to discuss what she wants and ask about what I want. Never expect to know how she will feel about what you are doing because each day is a new adventure in marriage and what was cool yesterday may not be in the cards for today in her viewpoint.

 

[Ajax2744]

It is way easier for us to have a joint account. We have a budget and bills come first. Once bills are paid including groceries and gas, then money is put into retirement and emergency fund. Then we have a set amount for date nights for the month, and our individual allowances. It's the exact same and we can spend it anyway we want no questions asked. But in the end if it's something we really want and it's more than our allowance we either save for a few months or we just talk about it and see if it's something we can do. Like this last weekend was her birthday and she wanted a new pistol, so even though it was more than her allowance for the month we decided it was fair for her to get it. So communication is key in with us. Also I work a second "job" teach kids to fish and shoot bows and firearms and it basically pays for our "fun and adventures"

 

[Losing_Sanity]

A wise person once said, "Don't try to change someone? You might not like what they change into". If you think you are going to change your wifes opinion or a wife is going to give up the fight, you are in denial. You will pay more in the long run. It really is not worth the fighting and no one is happy, not even the kids. Try to get the stuff you need or want at Chrismas or Birthdays. Find a nice compromise and stick to it. Just my opinion...

 

[sdkhunter]

The funny thing is that there is always plenty of relationship advice to go around - much of it's good or at least given with good intentions but I think a lot of it misses the point that each person is different, each relationship is different. Some things are universal but some things are not. Just because it works for one person to be a total open book on hunting costs/dreams/etc - doesn't mean it will work or be a good idea for the next... The truth of the matter is that there are some spouses that WILL NOT support the others hobbies, past times etc. I can speak from personal experience... I remember when we had a 'joint' account about 15 years ago telling the wife I needed to apply for a WY elk tag so to expect a little hit on the account this month... Her response was "well, we don't have the money this month so it's going to have to wait until next month"... Common sense should have prevailed after a disuccsion about how it can't wait until next month, etc etc. It didn't happen and instead at that point I realized for the health of our relationship I needed to separate out some hunting funds... She knows I skim money off my paychecks and it goes into a 'hunting fund' at a local credit union (an account which she doesn't have access to - though she knows I would tell her the balance anytime she would ask). Most of our expenses are together EXCEPT for hunting funds.... She never has to see an elk tag or new bow purchase come out of our joint account - it's a godsend to be honest... I realize that only a full joint account will work for many, however, there are some (like me) that absolutely has to have separate funds for hunting... I've paid for other things out of that account over time - I buy groceries out of it or pay other bills from time to time - I kinda do that on purpose so she 'feels/see's the value' of the account too - and that it's not just my pot of money (even though it kinda is ha ha), heck even her Honda Odyssey Mini-Van payment hits my account now - but she still doesn't get access to that account and I don't feel the need to ask permission to spend it on hunting related expenses...

Maybe start by saying that you know hunting is expensive and so that's one of the reasons you got the part time job - so that you don't feel like your hobby is a burden... Consider doing what I did - maybe half your PT fund goes into a seperate account- you can always use it for 'joint projects' but I know for us, the wife seeing money going out was too much - she couldn't handle it and it was a constent fight - now it's outta sight and outta mind... Good luck

 

[LopeHunter]

Okay, less sexism if say: Happy Spouse = Happy House. Happy Husbands = Happy Life, as well.

There is nothing wrong in a partnership with negotiating. If no negotiation between spouse then is not a partnership but rather a parent/child arrangement. Nothing is your money or her money in a partnership, unless one of you has a trust fund or a prenup declaring previously owned assets were not to be shared.

Any of us that are married sees the other spouse unevenly taking on some obligations of the partnership so the other spouse can focus on career or illness or whatever. There is no vacuum of time that is Friday. If you are working then that is because something freed up partnership obligations so you could be away from home that day.

That said, a couple of questions. How many hours a week does you wife work for pay a week? Is it less than 50 hours a week for pay? If she stays at home to care for the kids then an option for consideration is for her to work on Fridays or Saturdays or Sundays while you take care of home and family so she can earn her money to spend in any way she wants just as when you work above and beyond you want to spend without any blessing by the spouse.

As for street cred, I was married for 6 years then married again for 31 years and counting. Lessons were learned along the way about communication and partnering. 31 years of budgeting money and time through partnering and negotiating. The sacrifice was not always equally shared nor was the reward. Unilateral decisions were for when I was single. And why first marriage was not 31 years.

 

[LaSportsman]

Personalities might vary but there are common factors to successful relationships.

A great course is by Prep Inc. They have three keys to a successful relationship and they work. You can take the posts here that have good advice and see how the three keys apply.

I checked to see that these were publicly available as a list on the companies website before I posted proprietary material. Not sure how to find a class that's not on a military base but it's worth it you find one. If you are military, you can find a free class on most bases.

Three keys to a successful relationship:
1. Do your part
2. Decide, don't slide
3. Make it safe to connect.

I won't go through explanations because of proprietary info but it's good stuff.

break: My problem with splitting money on who earns it is that my wife and I have different roles. We both have professional careers but she hasn't always worked full time because of the kids. She's also taken a clear hit over time because she always moved with me due to my job. Neither of us are bitter. We each did our part and the budget was a family budget.

The biggest thing on the budget is having an open conversation and recognizing both spouses contribution when doing so. BigFin nailed it when he said count time and money.

Oh, and never keep score in a relationship.

 

[Pucky Freak]

Lmwmihunter76 - you're talking about the woman who lets you share a bed with her. This lady deserves some respect and if you aren't willing to give her that, there's someone else out there who will. If you value your marriage over your hunting, be willing to give up that hunting fund and ask her for forgiveness for being selfish about both time and money.

I work 4 tens and the 5th day I usually watch my daughter so my full-time babysitter, aka Wifey, can get a break. I make a pile of money, but I wouldn't ever trade her job for mine. She works harder than I do, and her job is more important than mine.

50 hours of work per week is not your ticket to hunting adventures, but the phrase, "yes, dear", probably is. I've got a honey do list about a mile long and I work my tail off to renovate and decorate her "workplace" to her liking. The garage, shop, and mancave are mine, but the rest of the house is her domain, and she has expensive taste.

I am proud to say that my wife is my biggest fan, and the #1 supporter of my hunting lifestyle. At least once a month she's telling me to take a break from the honey do list and go hunting. Hunting doesn't compete with my affections, so she is not threatened by it.

Treat that woman like a queen and see if it doesn't improve your lot. I bet it will work out better than just telling her how it's gonna be, yeesh.

 

[LuketheDog]

So the question is how do I go about explaining to her that is not going to happen I want to continue to use the extra for hunting?

No, the question is: How long do you think she should keep you around with that attitude?

 

[Pucky Freak]

Easy to take for granted. Impossible to replace