Dad Joke thread

[bmt99]

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

my youngest child told me this one and it was pretty edgy to him.

 

[fmnjr]

Confucius say he who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.

 

[TriStar Hunt]

Two muffins are in the oven.

First muffin says “Wow it’s getting pretty hot in here.”

The other muffin says “Oh my gosh! A talking muffin!”

 

[fish_hunt_ski]

The two days before my oldest was born my wife had to have steroid shots in her butt to make sure our daughters lungs would be good to go.
when I got home from work she told me she was sore from the shots.
“you’re a dinosaur” I replied
“What” she asked
“You’re a sore-ass” I said grinning.
My first dad joke got a pretty good laugh.

 

[2rocky]

 

[bmt99]

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A smoothie maker.

 

[2ski]

What did Tennessee?

The same thing Arkansas....

 

[Revenant]

Okay, a little more of a word trick than a joke, but here goes. You’ll need a pencil with eraser, and a piece of paper.

1. With a pencil, in all capital letters write the word “EARTH”.
2. Erase all of the letter “H”.
3. Erase the bottom horizontal line from the “E”.
4. Enjoy.

 

[RobG]

I can't believe I'm laughing....
A three legged bear walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

[fmnjr]

Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long

 

[noharleyyet]

Might hafta to pull this one Thanksgiving

 

[fmnjr]

Might hafta to pull this one Thanksgiving

Those two probably wouldn't be turduckin fans I'm thinking. The look their faces of fascinated horror is priceless.

 

[2rocky]

 

[2rocky]

 

[noharleyyet]

Grandad joke....

 

[Little Big Man MT Chris]

 

[fmnjr]

Hi, I'm Frank.

I just want you to know that 5th grade was the best 5 years of my life.

 

[2rocky]

 

[noharleyyet]

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

 

[noharleyyet]

Gawd...I've lived that moment soooo many times with my old man lol. Thanks Kenny!!

What I wouldn't give to live it one more time Marv.