Marriage advice for a newbie

[teej89]

I just got married last year, my wife and I are both extremely frugal and in the process of buying a house. As well all know it, application season is among us and I tend to leave my frugal tendencies at the door during this time period.

That being said, I'm trying to determine the best way to present this hit (thank goodness CO doesn't make you buy the tags and give a refund anymore, I guess) to her without ending up either out of the point game or in the dog house haha She hunts with me but not to this extent so the point building and associated costs are all new as it's been out of my bank acct.

I was thinking of building a spreadsheet reflecting the total cost of all the points/tags and being as transparent as possible compared to word of mouth/rough order of magnitude cost.

Let's hear how the rest of you have managed this.

 

[Ben Long]

Transparency is a good thing. Good instincts. IME, go for the balance. Figure out what your family budget can afford, and split it 50/50. Something you like (in this case, tags) and something she likes. You want to go to Alaska and hunt sheep, she gets to take her friends to Costa Rica and hang out on the beach. Up front and in the open. Money management is one of those things couples split up over, so good on you for thinking it through.

 

[Addicting]

NO! There are times in a marriage that you don’t want to know what the other spent. It saves a lot of grief when you look at it and say WTH.

I tell my wife that I am putting in for X. I mostly swing for the fences and don’t plan on drawing it. If it happens she knows it will be a couple grand but it is important to me. The same way I know that when I buy her a plane ticket each year for her to visit her friends it is going to cost a grand or better.

Each of us want the other to be happy with what they are into. Neither one of goes crazy and try and keep it reasonable.

So she has her own credit card and I have mine. We each ensure that they are paid off or there is a mutual plan to pay it off.

Listen to Randy’s women’s Podcast. There is some gold in there.

 

[SD_Prairie_Goat]

Tough call man. But in all fairness, whatever you spend in tags and points, its only Fair she gets to use the same amount for something she enjoys. If that is too much for the House budget, maybe reduce the tags You apply For this year?

Tough life choices

 

[memtb]

The first response to your question, and I’m already too late, don’t get married during hunting season.....unless your wife also hunts.

That said, though I never done it, a spreadsheet is a good way to handle it. This way, everything is available for scrutiny and no possibility of misunderstandings. For us, unless it’s a very small item, everything is discussed. No secrets or surprises is a good thing! To make things more more fair and equitable.....she can get an equal amount for her spending. Even if she doesn’t actually purchase a license to hunt with you.....buy a camper and bring her with you! memtb

 

[VikingsGuy]

Put the long term well being of your spouse ahead of your short-term personal desires and you are well on the way to a happy marriage. This does not mean being a door mat, but rather if both spouses aspire to this same vision you will hold one another happy, rather than each seperately bargaining for preservation of one’s own happiness. Transparency is an important start. This doesn’t mean every detail is hashed out ad nausea, as alignment builds the spouses agree to shared freedom consistent with a common sense of shared happiness. Let’s be clear - my wife is more important than hunting, if this were not true I had no business getting married. At the same time my wife has never asked me not to hunt or objected to my spending on hunting. Not because I declared hunting some personal unwaivering exception from spousal alignment, but because we each seek to enable the other’s passions and interests to the best we are able. Grace is much more powerful than negotiation or ground rules.

 

[TOGIE]

transparency is fine

but i went the randy route as i seem to remember it (married last summer as well) and we just created fun funds in our leftover budget each month. a certain percentage (equal for each of us) of our combined total after tax income (from each paycheck) gets funneled into a tracked account within savings, one for her and one for me.

i'm not transparent with my wife about the costs because I don't have to be. we each have an equal amount of money getting stored away for each of us to do whatever we please with. I have that money and i can do with it what i please up to the amount i have in my little tracked account within the savings account. so i have to plan my hunting accordingly with that money and can only do as much as it allows, and that's the agreement.

and i'll add, that as long as you have a good process and understanding with the finances, it's probably more important to be transparent about the time aspect of it all

 

[TheJason]

Figure out what the two of you are good spending each year and then stay within that.

 

[Addicting]

Hunting funds?

All right guys I have a question but need to explain the situation. I work 4 tens for my regular job, so I work a second job on my day off. I have been using this extra money for hunting related stuff like tags, gear ect. The problem is now my wife wants me to start using this "extra" money...

www.hunttalk.com

 

[madtom]

I know every couple is different, but I've never understood why people put all their money together and then wonder how to split it fairly.

We decided that we need $_____ per month to cover mortgage, utilities, groceries, and some entertainment for the month.

We each contribute a portion of that (based off a percentage of each of our earnings) into a bank account we call the "joint account."

Anything beyond our joint account contributions goes to our separate personal bank accounts. I apply, buy, save, do whatever I want with that money and never have to discuss what I'm spending money on. Seems to work for us.

 

[Bowhuntrben]

Explain to her how you will bring back grass-fed, organic meat....that stuff aint cheap in the store either....

 

[dcopas78]

We both have our "normal" incomes which pays all of the bills, provides for our kids, retirement, savings, insurance, etc., as well as providing for mutual "free" money activities like vacations, fun with the kids....all that stuff. What I use for my hunting funds is from side contracts that I work outside of my normal job. I will work, on average, about 8-12 hours extra per week for my extra money. This extra money pays for my tags/trips as well as being used to pay extra on bills, emergency expenditures like car repair, etc. My wife also gets a couple of these checks per year to do with as she wishes. Sometimes she buy herself clothes, sometimes it is buying home decor, sometimes she ends up spending it on me and the boys anyways. I go in to work early (usually 4 am) and get home early to still have time for the wife and kids. I'll sacrifice a few hours of sleep to make it work. Actually, I don't require a whole lot of sleep so it works well for us. It might not work for you to have a little side income, but it's always an option. And it's always a good idea to allow the spouse to dip in to it a little.

 

[VikingsGuy]

I know every couple is different, but I've never understood why people put all their money together and then wonder how to split it fairly.

We decided that we need $_____ per month to cover mortgage, utilities, groceries, and some entertainment for the month.

We each contribute a portion of that (based off a percentage of each of our earnings) into a bank account we call the "joint account."

Anything beyond our joint account contributions goes to our separate personal bank accounts. I apply, buy, save, do whatever I want with that money and never have to discuss what I'm spending money on. Seems to work for us.

If it works for you then great. But I would guess over 30 years and a couple of kids, one “partner” getting to go on unlimited grand vacations because they make more, while the lower earning spouse only gets crumbs is not the recipe to success or happiness. To each there own, but I think people can do better than turning marriage into a personal income accounting exercise. Presumably both partners bring something to the table, for one it may be higher income potential, for the other it may be gluing the family together - just because there are bank accounts for money doesn’t mean that it is more special than the love support and commitments to share between loving spouses. I find it odd that the high earner would claim unique benefit of the money but somehow expect fair and equal sharing of all the rest - I think that is a mistake for most in the long term. YMMV.

 

[LCH]

The way I see it, let her pursue what's important to her and you do what's important to you. If you are both intelligent and considerate people, you'll both stay within your bounds of what you can responsibly afford.



The "split money equally" thing is a dangerous road to go down IMO.

What about home improvement projects? I could care less about my kitchen counters, does that $3k go against her "allowance"?

She has a brand new SUV, I have a 1997 Ford Ranger. How many tags does it take to even that out?

My wife has no sort of retirement savings or plan, does that mean that 1/2 of mine counts toward her?

Who picks your home? Who caries the health insurance? Who spends more on clothing? What do your activities revolve around the other 9-11 months out of the year?


If either of you get too hung up on what's "fair", the potential conflicts are endless. If you can keep each other convinced that you're not only looking out for your own interests, but have their happiness in mind as a top priority as well, a lot of these issues just go away.

 

[Frenchy]

I know every couple is different, but I've never understood why people put all their money together and then wonder how to split it fairly.

We decided that we need $_____ per month to cover mortgage, utilities, groceries, and some entertainment for the month.

We each contribute a portion of that (based off a percentage of each of our earnings) into a bank account we call the "joint account."

Anything beyond our joint account contributions goes to our separate personal bank accounts. I apply, buy, save, do whatever I want with that money and never have to discuss what I'm spending money on. Seems to work for us.

Do you make approximately the same amount? Seems like a little lopsided if say you made 150K / year and your wife made 35k/year. While your percentage of the shared contributions would be higher, you'd be left with a much larger disposable income after expenses then your spouse. Also, gets more complicated when you add in kids.

I've been much happier with combined finances that without, and I make 50% more than my wife. Shared goals and working together has put me light years ahead of where I was just doing my own thing spending/saving/giving as I pleased.

 

[teej89]

The way I see it, let her pursue what's important to her and you do what's important to you. If you are both intelligent and considerate people, you'll both stay within your bounds of what you can responsibly afford.



The "split money equally" thing is a dangerous road to go down IMO.

What about home improvement projects? I could care less about my kitchen counters, does that $3k go against her "allowance"?

She has a brand new SUV, I have a 1997 Ford Ranger. How many tags does it take to even that out?

My wife has no sort of retirement savings or plan, does that mean that 1/2 of mine counts toward her?

Who picks your home? Who caries the health insurance? Who spends more on clothing? What do your activities revolve around the other 9-11 months out of the year?


If either of you get too hung up on what's "fair", the potential conflicts are endless. If you can keep each other convinced that you're not only looking out for your own interests, but have their happiness in mind as a top priority as well, a lot of these issues just go away.

Put the long term well being of your spouse ahead of your short-term personal desires and you are well on the way to a happy marriage. This does not mean being a door mat, but rather if both spouses aspire to this same vision you will hold one another happy, rather than each seperately bargaining for preservation of one’s own happiness. Transparency is an important start. This doesn’t mean every detail is hashed out ad nausea, as alignment builds the spouses agree to shared freedom consistent with a common sense of shared happiness. Let’s be clear - my wife is more important than hunting, if this were not true I had no business getting married. At the same time my wife has never asked me not to hunt or objected to my spending on hunting. Not because I declared hunting some personal unwaivering exception from spousal alignment, but because we each seek to enable the other’s passions and interests to the best we are able. Grace is much more powerful than negotiation or ground rules.

I think these two posts reflect the exact same way we both feel.

I agree with @VikingsGuy as I wouldn't have been married if hunting was more important, if something happened I'd give up hunting before her.

Fortunately we don't really do much other than I hunt and she crafts and we share the same passion for snowboarding. We're not big on going out, why go out when we can have fun cooking together at home for half the cost. Or like with our wedding she crafted all of our decorations, invites, thank you letters, etc... ultimately saving us a ton of money on items we'd never use again. Also I ponied up and spent evenings and nights with her helping with those crafts, I'll never forget the hours of wax sealing envelopes because she liked the way it looked, good grief hahaha

Neither of us strive for luxurious vacations nor do we need/want the new hip item. Also it's been our good fortune we've both been blessed with very good jobs, we're just natural born penny pinchers.

Ultimately I think I don't want it to boil down to "I'm spending $X therefor you are able to spend $X". I feel like this could cause more issues down the line, compared to having transparency and trust. I think I'm more comfortable with showing her what I intend to spend and somehow go from there.

 

[Frenchy]

The way I see it, let her pursue what's important to her and you do what's important to you. If you are both intelligent and considerate people, you'll both stay within your bounds of what you can responsibly afford.



The "split money equally" thing is a dangerous road to go down IMO.

What about home improvement projects? I could care less about my kitchen counters, does that $3k go against her "allowance"?

She has a brand new SUV, I have a 1997 Ford Ranger. How many tags does it take to even that out?

My wife has no sort of retirement savings or plan, does that mean that 1/2 of mine counts toward her?

Who picks your home? Who caries the health insurance? Who spends more on clothing? What do your activities revolve around the other 9-11 months out of the year?


If either of you get too hung up on what's "fair", the potential conflicts are endless. If you can keep each other convinced that you're not only looking out for your own interests, but have their happiness in mind as a top priority as well, a lot of these issues just go away.

Agreed. I'm not in the tit-for-tat camp when it comes to money discussions like this. Sit down and discuss the things that are important to you and your spouse and make a plan to achieve them. Life would get real expensive if every purchase you ever made had to be balanced with a purchase by your wife. If hunting tags are important to you, she will support you. It may mean sacrifices in other places, but sit down and work it through like Adults.

 

[Bigjay73]

Holy crap I'm glad I'm not married. Eff that!

 

[VikingsGuy]

I think these two posts reflect the exact same way we both feel.

I agree with @VikingsGuy as I wouldn't have been married if hunting was more important, if something happened I'd give up hunting before her.

Fortunately we don't really do much other than I hunt and she crafts and we share the same passion for snowboarding. We're not big on going out, why go out when we can have fun cooking together at home for half the cost. Or like with our wedding she crafted all of our decorations, invites, thank you letters, etc... ultimately saving us a ton of money on items we'd never use again. Also I ponied up and spent evenings and nights with her helping with those crafts, I'll never forget the hours of wax sealing envelopes because she liked the way it looked, good grief hahaha

Neither of us strive for luxurious vacations nor do we need/want the new hip item. Also it's been our good fortune we've both been blessed with very good jobs, we're just natural born penny pinchers.

Ultimately I think I don't want it to boil down to "I'm spending $X therefor you are able to spend $X". I feel like this could cause more issues down the line, compared to having transparency and trust. I think I'm more comfortable with showing her what I intend to spend and somehow go from there.

My guess is these words (your words), “I care more about you than hunting, I don’t want our marriage to be a negotiation about things and money, our happiness will be found together, one step in living this shared happiness is being transparent about one of my passions - hunting, I will share the details or just the generalities - whatever you wish - just know that we will figure this and other things out together”, my guess is you won’t even get to spreadsheets - you will be busy in the bedsheets (which is better than hunting).

 

[TheJason]

@LCH makes some great points. I make about twice what my wife does. My benefits are better. My retirement is far better. All of our money goes into one account and then we make decisions on how it's spent. She does our finances, and I trust her without hesitation.

Remember, it's not just the cost of points. It's also the cost of tags when you draw, and the costs associated with the trip. Figure out what you can afford and then stick with that plan.