Subject: Liberals Flee The United States Following Bush Re-election
Tuesday, November 16, 2004 The Columbus Dispatch
JOE BLUNDO
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is
prompting the exodus among left leaning citizens, who fear they'll soon be
required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing
their fields at night.
''I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted
and hungry.
''He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.
When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to
show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. ''Not real effective," he
said. ''The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them
across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
''A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. ''I found one carload without a drop of
drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have
been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education
camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch
NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to, sometimes
ingenious, ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as
senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After
catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,
Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
supposed senior-citizen passengers. ''If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their
age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies.
''I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just
can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. ''How many art-history
majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and
pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a
source close to Cheney said. ''We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary
concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps.
The president is determined to reach out."
Tuesday, November 16, 2004 The Columbus Dispatch
JOE BLUNDO
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is
prompting the exodus among left leaning citizens, who fear they'll soon be
required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing
their fields at night.
''I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted
and hungry.
''He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.
When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to
show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. ''Not real effective," he
said. ''The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them
across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
''A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. ''I found one carload without a drop of
drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have
been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education
camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch
NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to, sometimes
ingenious, ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as
senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After
catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,
Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
supposed senior-citizen passengers. ''If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their
age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies.
''I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just
can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. ''How many art-history
majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and
pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a
source close to Cheney said. ''We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary
concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps.
The president is determined to reach out."
