AITA (Am i the @$$hole)?

[Jason73]

Best of luck. Marriage takes a lot of work. I understand completely.

 

[geetar]

FWIW Central Florida, North Florida aren't what south Florida is. Don't know what state you are currently in but Florida has no state income tax and maybe that offsets the 10-15% pay cut. the Culture of South Florida extends far beyond said geographic location. The fishing is on another level here, being a nonresident that has a decade worth of resident knowledge of hunting areas puts you in limited company. don't know how old your daughter is but if she takes to enjoying the outdoors and hunting like you then you're talking about father daughter road trips to hunt out west. That' quality time right there. Make the move, you'll find that change is the only constant and peace is far more valuable than justice.

The first time I went to gulf side and drive across north central Florida from NC I was amazed at the amount of green grass, wide open spaces and cattle ranching operations I saw. It’s beautiful country. Definitely not what I expected after being told all my life by other southerners that Florida was “ just a bunch of Yankees who were tired of the cold “. To the OP I get not wanting to be in Miami but I wouldn’t write off the whole state. Especially if your job affords you the time and money to fly to Alaska every year for several weeks.

 

[HighDesertSage]

I don't think you're an asshole at all. You are the sole financial provider for yourself and your family. Your mental and physical health and well being matter. So does your wife's. I hope you can help her see how much it would affect you leaving.

 

[OH->CO]

I recently spent some time in south Florida and was a bit surprise at how many outdoor activities there are. I don't know if it could fill my western hunting desire but it definitely could help. If you get into the fishing it could also happen more often as opposed to just during hunting season. I have a similar situation with my in-laws. I thought they would visit often from a 3 hour drive and bought a home with space for them. In reality, it is quite rare that they visit. It has made me and my wife really evaluate what WE want for US. We have gotten away from making decisions for our friends and family. After all, they move on to different circumstances as well. They will likely move jobs or homes or even pass on.
I also see that you touch a bit on what each others "boundaries" are for what you want. My marriage with my wife is wonderful. We have had some difficult times and have seen some counselors as well. The one we are using now has given us some amazing tools. We would have never known of them without her. I know that there is a stigma about that field but it has given me and my family and some friends a wonderful gift. Good luck

 

[ignorethefringes]

FWIW Central Florida, North Florida aren't what south Florida is. Don't know what state you are currently in but Florida has no state income tax and maybe that offsets the 10-15% pay cut. the Culture of South Florida extends far beyond said geographic location. The fishing is on another level here, being a nonresident that has a decade worth of resident knowledge of hunting areas puts you in limited company. don't know how old your daughter is but if she takes to enjoying the outdoors and hunting like you then you're talking about father daughter road trips to hunt out west. That' quality time right there. Make the move, you'll find that change is the only constant and peace is far more valuable than justice.

That's very true too. North or Central Florida is effectively a different state than Broward, Palm Beach, and Miami Dade. And the Orlando Airport is only a 25 minute flight from FLL or so.

 

[MTGomer]

On one hand, you said what you said and your word means or should mean something. On the other, taking a pay cut to move to the armpit of the nation, seems like a bad idea.


as someone that currently lives somewhere other than where I’d prefer to so that my wife can pursue goals of her’s I can sympathize with your situation.

 

[drexal]

Life happens and things change over time. When you have a family, the path ahead requires compromise. But it's not compromise if only one person is making most of the accommodations. It sounds like you've made plenty of concessions along the way. I'd say a long, hard talk is in order to find some middle ground.

 

[Panda Bear]

This is probably not what you want to hear, but speaking from a married female point of view

1. You received an education and met the woman you love, who gave you, a daughter that you love. Referring to your post, I dont feel you "gave up" your twenties, but invested that time and did so very well
2. Again, as a married female. You have loved your wife, provided for her with a home, education, vacations and because of your education and work ethics, she can be a stay at home mom, which she wants to do. You love your daughter and provide for her as well. You have and do help your mother in law with vacations and a home. I know a LOT of married women who would think they died and went to heaven to have a husband like you. If anyone should be thinking about how to make it work at this point without upsetting the apple cart, it should be your wife. In fact, to go a step further, even your mother in law should be singing your praises to her daughter and be thanking God, her daughter found and married a good man. However, having said that
3. "It is a long road with no turns " And that is true for both of you. Let her and your daughter visit the grandmother on all your daughters school vacation times. Spring Break, thanksgiving, Christmas and try to go with them if you can. Bring the grandmother to you in the summer. However, at some point you might decide to make the move and if you do, do it without an attitude. Find a way to enjoy your new surroundings, fishing in the ocean, sailing around the Caribbean Islands, Scuba diving, etc--plus hunt the mountains of the west each year.
4. Regardless of where you live, you have a wife and daughter who love you, you all three have your health, you have an education, you have ( and will have ) a job that you enjoy and after you get reestablished might even pay you more than you make now

Do you know how many people would like to "only" have this problem ?

I have some knowledge of this only in reverse. We met in college and I was always very clear that any man who marries me would have to be willing to live in the wilderness the rest of their life, must love dogs, hunting, fishing, canoeing, bush planes, etc. We felt he should live with me in my surroundings for one year before making his final decision. He took to it like a duck to water, with the exception of eating moose nose, he still wont do that

Best of luck to you, your wife, daughter and mother in law.

 

[Gellar]

And that is true He took to it like a duck to water, with the exception of eating moose nose, he still wont do that

Jellied? I saw Andrew zimmern eat jellied moose nose on an episode of his show but I’ve never been able to try it myself. I found this recipe though and thought it was funny.

1. Place nose in large pot -- hide, hair and all!
2. Boil for 2 hours.
3. Don't look in the pot during cooking.
4. Cool dish down until you can handle it, then skin the nose without fainting.
5. Discard the hide. Wash the nose in cold water. Place the nose in a pot of clean, cold water. Add salt & pepper to your taste, bay leaves, and onions. Boil until tender.
6. Chill and serve sliced on crackers with a smear of cream cheese.

 

[Southern Elk]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation in that my wife doesn't love Montana like I do. I didn't make any promises about moving back and have no intentions to. I feel that MT is a much better place to raise my children.

She misses home and her family, so we try to spend as much vacation time there as we can. She says that I live in my vacation spot, so she wants to go home anytime we travel. I think that is fair. My parents come up every summer, but her parents have only visited a couple of times. If they would visit more, it would really help, but one thing I've learned is you can't count on people to visit you. You have to make time to visit them. I have hunting buddies back home that I thought would be dying to come visit, but they never have.

I see us eventually splitting time between the two locations once the kids are out of school. Honestly I wouldn't mind living in MT from May - November and spending the rest of the year down south. I would prefer to be in MT year round, but it is a sacrifice that I may have to make at some point.

 

[Irrelevant]

Do you like to fish? Have you tried spear fishing? You may find you can replace some of that western hunting with spear fishing.

I'm totally talkin' out my _ss I don't know crap about FL. I've only been east of the Rockies a couple of times in my life. But I mean fishing is fun and according to Instagram FL has lots of fish... and ladies in teenie tiny bikinis

 

[2rocky]

I offer the financial part below from my experience hitting the BIG RED D button 5 years ago. It is not exact but may offer some worst case scenario perspective.
Pencil out what the "Nuclear option" would cost you. 1/2 of all your retirement, investments, assets, and annual salary. Calculate the difference in monthly salary divide by 2 and add that BACK IN 12x a year for the remaining time your Daughter is under 18. That will approximate what it will cost you to stand firm in your position. I'm betting it is a lot more than the pay cut you will take.
As for the 1/2 of the mothers home, I'm afraid that is considered community property. You wouldn't get nearly half the value as credit in any sort of negotiation.

My point being are you ready to restart from scratch to stay rooted where you are? I did, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who is not practically suicidal over their home/marriage situation.

 

[Irrelevant]

The good news is that the real estate market is very affordable.

 

[Marshian]

The good news is that the real estate market is very affordable.
View attachment 192263

Haha, actually we would be in southwest Florida (Naples) though so the prices may be more sane.

 

[JDH]

I'll also quote this from your original post, "I told her when we met that our current state wouldn’t have to be permanent if she grew to to dislike it which she has, then we could move."

It sounds like you're been accommodating from the beginning and promised to be accommodating in the future.

That being said, I've just moved from, urban, far south Florida and don't miss it a bit. I would recommend looking for compromise areas. For example, East TN where I am now is only a 1.5 hour or so flight back to south FL and there are several straight through flights every week at a reasonable rate. That's darn doable for anyone. And I'd bet there are many other places within a 1-1.5 hour flight that are much more enjoyable than South Florida.

There are few places that replicate the extensive immigrant culture of South Florida however, especially if your wife is of central/South American or island descent. But I'd probably really push her to name the benefits of that culture that she feels she is missing and try to find some semblance elsewhere.

Looking for compromise areas would be my advice.

 

[rwc101]

Fishing in the Pensacola area is nice and a doable 1 day drive to Miami.

Or, hear me out, Bahamas. Of course, you'll need to invest in a boat to make the trip over. 30ft center console should work. Guess you could use it for fishing too.

 

[JDH]

So your wife wants you to leave an area where you would take a substantial pay cut, and an extreme cut in vacation time when you are the bread winner and have worked to establish yourself just because she wants to be around people more “like her” from Her original country? That doesn’t sound like a good decision for your family. There’s more that could be said but I will hold My tongue.

I don’t think you’re an a**h*** I would have a logical conversation with her laying out the numbers and why you think it isn’t a wise decision. I think it’s more selfish to want to move and force you to take the pay cut and lose vacation time
Which will Negatively effect your time
With your family just so your wife can be closer to more immigrants. Unless there’s more reasons why she doesn’t like where you are living I’m not seeing being close to more immigrants as a realistic reason to leave what you have.

Some Guys will probably call me an a**h*** for my response but at the end of the day to me that isn’t a valid reason to uproot and lose what you have established.. compromise does go both ways…

Some times it's not just about being closer to immigrants. One of my wife's good friends married a Mexican immigrant and now live about 3 hours away from us in a different state. they've talked about moving closer to us and her family but one of the reasons they don't want to is the lack of immigrants or should I say the backwards treatment of immigrants where we're from. It's more about the culture as a whole than just the immigrant culture. As terrible as this sounds, there's no doubt in my mind that if they moved back to our hometown he would be discriminated against due to where he's from.

 

[TOGIE]

i'm pretty green on the whole marriage thing, but as a general rule when the wife says jump i say "how high?"

and go figure, the more i answer that way the more she tends to answer that way too, and vice versa.

 

[Western Traveler1]

The only constant in life is change. Life changes as do people. To think we know what we and another will want or that conditions won’t change in the future 10-20-30 years (next week) is a great concept but to me far from reality.

The ultimate love is Unconditional. When one loves the other enough to let them be themselves.

Compromise in marriage is certainly needed but at what cost? How much trust does one put in the other?
Playing devils advocate what happens if you make all these changes and down the road split the sheets? Like that has never happened.

Who’s happiness is being considered here, Wife, mother, daughter? Certainly not yours.

I have the deepest love and regard for my life partner, my bride. We lived full time in Montana before she had a reoccurrence of cancer, stage 4. She lives in one of our homes (her nest) in a warm SoCal climate close to medical treatment and her friends.

We travel to see each other every month or two (pre-COVID) right now it is me that travels. I winter with her (sorry no apologies for leaving after hunting season where I can often fish shirtless in Dec/Jan). But by early Spring I can hardly bare another minute there and return to our home here. (I have PTSD that is exacerbated in big cities).

We recognize our differences and have made compromises for the other. Am I an asshat for not being by her side or she mine? We think not.

Who’s to say what’s good or bad.

 

[NR_Hunter]

I know a LOT of married women who would think they died and went to heaven to have a husband like you.

I thought the same thing, like keep this guy away from my gf at all costs.