2024 - A Restless Brain

[TOGIE]

I had been somewhat settled on not doing much sharing this fall as far as hunting goes. This is for many reasons. Some of those reasons touch on the issues around social media and hunting - is it really necessary to be sharing everything you do all the time? Is it good for the activity? What's the actual value in it? Others involve my personal life. It has been a busy year with another pregnancy that included some complications and despite that a perfectly healthy baby boy born just over a month ago. I didn't anticipate having the ability to do much hunting, if any, this fall and if I did get any in I wasn't sure there would be much success involved given the chaos of our second child being born during hunting season.

The other non insignificant reason is my mental health which is a bit of theme to this story. It's been a long time coming realizing that my mental health might be a lot worse than I was willing to admit or accept. But it's no longer become deniable. I felt a break from HT would be good and again, what is the value in always sharing your hunts?

But, I do find value in sharing hunts on here, especially with the quality of stories presented on HT. I find value in them for myself and I also simply enjoy reading them living a little vicariously through peoples incredible experiences. It is a Fireside place to listen to stories and share your adventures. There is value in all of that.

I also feel value in some raw honesty and sharing a story of vulnerability. There is some hunting in here and there will likely be more to share as well later on. But this is mostly a story of vulnerability and honesty. I think it will be good for me. I hope it will be good for you too.

 

[TOGIE]

I read a marriage book once that made an interesting analogy as to why marriage is such a challenging relationship for everyone that enters into it. The author described every individual as being filled with small cracks, these cracks being character flaws. Getting married is like driving an overweight truck across a bridge with all these cracks in it and they widen and deepen. Marriage didn't cause the cracks, but it made them impossible to ignore.

I've realized mental health is very similar. The issues may have always been there but been a functional non-issue. But as life becomes more challenging the mental health cracks widen and deepen, becoming impossible to ignore.

A flash point in this was my General elk hunt in Wyoming last year, a hunt plagued by anxiety and worry. Particularly anxiety and worry about nothing in particular and especially nothing in particular that warranted such worry or anxiety. A daily mental spiral that paralyzed my ability to do the job I set out to do, literally and figuratively. This culminated in me bailing on going after some nice bulls I found in some hell holes and settling on a spike elk in a much easier spot. I don't regret how that turned out. But the degree to which my brain continually fell apart last fall while out there alone and the magnitude of my inability to enjoy myself on many days gave me pause in retrospect.

It wasn't the elk hunt alone that made me wonder more about what might be wrong, it was all over my life. I was constantly feeling fatigued regardless of how much i slept, intense restlessness in my brain, rampant forgetfulness, and anger. The anger was interesting. I'm described by everyone I know as a very calming quiet presence and rather patient. But it was the way I would randomly snap and just be so angry about either trivial things or things that didn't warrant the response.

I talked to my doctor many times over the years thinking there must be something wrong with my thyroid or other hormones. My blood tests were always immaculate and every doctor visit resulted in nothing of concern.

So, this summer I decided (with the prodding of my wife) to start seeing a therapist. Never thought I would sign up for therapy, but again, last years elk hunt was still a bit of flashpoint and the increasing stress of life was making my problems impossible to ignore. The worst of it, I felt, at least in my mind, I was not the husband and father I always want to be.

It didn't take long, my therapist had some hunches right out of the gate. A few sessions and some formal tests later I was diagnosed with ADHD and Depression.

 

[TOGIE]

In talking about the manifestations of these diagnoses and the myriad nuances of how the present in and cause issues for individuals with my therapist was eye opening. So many things in my life started making more sense.

From the hunting perspective - why, for every hunting trip, in the final days leading up to it do I develop intense dread and not want to go anymore? Why, when I sit and glass looking at incredible vistas of beautiful topography and animal habitat do I sit and ruminate on negative thoughts that spiral and spiral until all I want to do is go home?

Why has it always been so hard for me to start doing things, whatever they may be, and I feel anxious whenever there are multiple things to do? Why does that anxiety persist and prevent me from being able to adequately perform tasks? Why do I always have such exhaustion even when nothing has happened to warrant it?

When life is simple, it's not as problematic. When life is hard as it becomes for everyone with maturity, age, and all the resultant responsibilities it becomes paralyzing.

And hunting is something that is often hard. Things were making more sense.

These diagnoses came just at the end of summer and there was indeed going to be some hunting to do.

 

[TOGIE]

I snagged a leftover archery deer tag close to home to try and get some hunting in before the baby came at the beginning of October. Ideally I would have gone up to the alpine and enjoyed the search for some velvet bucks in places I've spent lots of time in my life, living out of a tent for a couple days and enjoying the solitude. I even had the offer on the location of a decent enough buck in a basin reported by a friend that just completed an early rifle hunt. But, in the weeks leading up to the baby we decided no overnight trips, so I stuck close to home, lower in elevation. Areas where deer can be found but it can be far more challenging in September, to be sure.

But I'll take what I can get.

Even on some of these day trips I still sensed the dread in me that was telling me to stay at home. But it doesn't become as loud and persistent when such a simpler short trip lay in front me.

I did truly enjoy these sits. I've spent time in here before. Even had some success and while it's not the glorious alpine or the vast stretches of remote wildlife habitat, I really really enjoy sitting on these ridges and looking over this land. With all of its intense flaws, I do love this state - having public places to go sit and look for wildlife like this in relative proximity to my home is a huge blessing.

I did a couple sits alone and actually felt some peace and relaxation sitting up here. After such a busy stressful summer with the pregnancy and a toddler, it was welcome and the rare reprieve from the dread and anxiety was nice.

Deer? Bucks? None. Who cares though.

 

[TOGIE]

Interestingly, I found a bull and some cows. Surprising, but not totally unexpected. This area is on the fringes of a low elevation resident herd.



I texted a former HTer with a muzzler loader bull tag for the area and we went back in together a week or so later. Hoping they may still be in the area.

They weren't. But it was a good time hanging on a ridge together. A gentle reminder of how enjoyable hunting with others can be.





At this point I'd have to be done and it was time to hunker down for baby to come. However, a week prior I did snag a unique rifle buck tag off the reissue list (a rare situation where you can hold two buck tags) that would run through all of November. This conversation was not finalized at this stage, but my wife was willing to find a way to get me out after it if I could.

Even with a 4-6 week old and a toddler at home.

 

[Bigjay73]

Reading this while waiting for my therapist appointment, I feel ya brother. This world is hard on people, easy to get sideways in this unnatural day and age. You're doing good to realize and address rather than ignoring it, which I did for way too long.

 

[Dave N]

Best wishes for you and all of the folks like us who have things rolling around in our heads.

 

[seeth07]

Best of luck for you and your mental health going forward. I hope that the hunting world can help you repair those things as there is nothing in my opinion more powerful than the healing nature can provide.

When life is simple, it's not as problematic. When life is hard as it becomes for everyone with maturity, age, and all the resultant responsibilities it becomes paralyzing.

I think you have the wrong perspective here and maybe that is part of the problem? If anything, I feel that in my life the maturity and aging has done the opposite, it has made life less paralyzing.

 

[TOGIE]

Surprisingly the birth of a new baby and post partum life (now in addition to a toddler) does not seem to be a big trigger for my brain with some of the worst things. Things like anxiety and worry. I seem to settle in pretty well with the task at hand. This was the case with the first.

Everyone who's been there knows though. New babies are hard. Post partum is just wildly hard. It's an odd dichotomy of being wildly easier for the second and just massively harder all the same time.

Many joys though. I relish the time off from work. I think about how this horrific sleep loss and the marathon days of chasing a suicide prone toddler around is still better than sitting in an office all day.

 

[TOGIE]

Not long before the baby was born the topic of meds was being discussed with my therapist. Her, being a psychologist, can merely discuss them and provide advice and context on their merits and downsides but cannot prescribe. I'll have to seek out a psychiatrist or my current doctor to prescribe.

I've always been skeptical of meds. And when it comes to many mental health issues like ADHD, depression, and other things in this realm, I questioned society's wisdom in medicating so many people so readily with issues like this. As I've begun to learn going down this road it certainly is a real concern and problem in society, that readiness to medicate people. But it is simultaneously true tha medications for many mental health issues are the number one solution, if not the only primary available solution, and that includes for things like ADHD and depression.

I've learned that things like depression and ADHD are mental disorders, that are most often the result of chemical brain imbalances; really, a failure of proper neurotransmission is how I like to think about it. Whether it's insensitivity to certain neurotransmission, lack of proper production of certain neurotransmitters, or excessive reuptake of certain neurotransmitters, any of those can cause ADHD. Now, to be sure, we can probably debate endlessly exactly what is causing these things. What it seems is less debatable I've learned, is how to fix these chemical imbalances.

Just like you can't tell a paranoid schizophrenic to change his diet, work out, and try to work on a better attitude to fix his condition, you similarly can't just trivialize and reduce down to such simplicity things like ADHD and depression. Failure of proper neurotransmission in the brain is a highly complicated thing and is among the most trivialized conditions in society if you ask me. For some folks, a lifestyle change may be exactly what is needed, for others, there is no holistic fix to failed neutransmission.

The short of it, I became interested in and willing to try some meds. This has been a long issue in my life that has progressively gotten worse and a fix was needed and needed quickly. I may not need meds forever, who knows, but we gotta start somewhere. I read in a book by psychiatrist where the author talked about when it comes to meds and psychiatric and mental health conditions sometimes the absolute best start is to put out the fire and let the smoke dissipate so you can further really figure out what is going on. Putting out the fire so the smoke can dissipate starts with meds.

So I went forward with appointments, knowing it could be a long road of trial and error in figuring what might help and what might not.

 

[noharleyyet]

I think I get it Togie . . . my conscious thoughts are Rembrandt but subconsciously Picasso...it doesn't take much perceived discord to trigger a foreboding that experience has taught me to heed.

The axiom about 99% of things we worry about never happening doesn't deter me...

 

[TOGIE]

We can now skip ahead to mid late October. I've trialed two meds at this point and one seems to be providing a little bit of relief. If nothing else, it seems to be stopping me from just feeling like a sack of dirt all day - perks up my brain a bit and makes me feel a little more energetic.

This new baby in our house would be a massively confounding variable to that assessment if I wasn't already keenly aware of how I've felt like a sack of dirt most days for the past few years and beyond, well before having any kids.

And now, also, at this point, I'm holding a rifle buck tag with an open season. The hitch behind this unique buck tag that makes it possible for me to hold two is there is no public huntable land in the unit. But I wouldn't have picked it up if there wasn't a possibility of me having a place to hunt. A work connection provides a small chunk of available land to me in this unit, not promising, but with a long season and the rut I may be able to catch some deer on it.

However, even without the promise of getting to go out with the new baby at home I became determined to find some more land to hunt. With some extra phone calls that started at my original small plot of access, I secured 1800 additional acres of private to hunt and all doable in a day trip from home.

It was a dream come true with a brand new baby at the house and basically mere hours, not days, of hunt time availability. Now to carefully discuss with my wife if we can find a few days for me to sneak away.

Luckily the season was long. I now know what it feels like to be a Montanan with a rifle tag that lasts for centuries and is good through the rut.

 

[TOGIE]

Even with all of November to get after this tag it made no sense not to take every opportunity possible. Given the lack of ability to guarantee a planned day will pan out based on the unpredictability of life with a newborn and a toddler, you gotta take every chance that presents itself.

And with the support of my super hero wife, a day presented itself, exactly 4 weeks into newborn life. Take it by the horns and go. My unmedicated self would have questioned my wife endlessly if she was okay with this and I would start to convince myself I shouldn't go regardless of what she says. I'd convince myself she wasn't being truthful and me going would cause problems and resentment. None of that happened. My motivation was much higher with a little more balance in brain.

The night before i'm packed up and ready to get out the door, my wife would do half-day day care drop off in my absence with the newborn in tow and handle everything after that, pickup, naps, snacks, etc.

But, of course, something has to happen. We had a terrible night. The joys of parenthood, especially post partum parenthood. Parents will know. Breastfeeding was falling apart that night, for whatever reason. The baby was screaming, not eating, and my post partum wife was falling apart at the seems. She woke up me in desperate need of help. I basically commanded her to stop trying to breast feed and i'll go prepare a bottle of breast milk and feed the baby. A point is reached during a bad breast feed that you need to stop, because it's benefitting no one to keep trying.

The bottle didn't go well either, but better, it took a really long time. And then, after the all the chaos my brain was fairly awake and it took me a while to fall back asleep. I told my wife I'd do day care drop off and let her sleep in a little then i'll head out. As luck would have it, I snoozed my alarm in my sleep and we woke up late, resulting in a late drop off. Like grains of sand, that precious time was slipping away. Such is this life of parenting.

Nothing like leaving for your hunt at 9 am on maybe 3 hours of sleep.

Unmedicated, I would've folded it in. No use in trying today. But I was eager to see what this property looked like and there is value to seeing it during the day for the first time than starting in the dark and this is still a precious small amount of time available to hunt. Boy it felt good to have a slightly better mindset about things.