Yukon Hunter
New member
My God, I love these guys...this is an article from Whitehouse.org, one of the better sites I've ever found on the web.
PRESIDENT'S STATEMENT URGING RESISTANCE TO MASS HOMICIDAL PANIC OVER THE "MAD COW" TERROR PERPETRATED AGAINST AMERICA BY OPRAH-WATCHING CANADIACS
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Good evening. Earlier today, my National Media Advisor saw fit to interrupt my second after-breakfast nap in order to alert me to a national hysteria that is spreading faster than Al Gore's buttcrack around Howard Dean's fat pinko tongue: Mad Cow Disease.
As President, it is my duty to calm the citizenry, lest this horrifying pandemic so traumatize our nation's television news anchors, that they find themselves unable to report the neato accounting wizardry that's making the economy look terrific – even though the only folks with new jobs are spicko-rickans digging graves for all the geriatrics who can't afford their prescriptions.
That's why today, it is crucial that the public understand exactly what this Mad Cow Disease is. Contrary to what you've heard in Jay Leno's brilliant monologues, it has nothing to do with Hillary Clinton or Tipper Gore. It is a bioterrorism disease that affects honest-to-goodness cows. Its big long scientific name is Bovine Spongyfoam Encyclopediatosis, and what it does is burrow deep into the brains of otherwise harmless, Christian cows and turn them into stark-raving crazy, evil-doing Muslamian cows. Once infected, these nefarious jihad beasts do their best to blend in – not unlike human Islamoids – until such time as they martyr themselves in slaughterhouses, thereby tainting the patriotic food supply and transforming America's wholesome meatloaf family dinners into unwitting Islamic suicide rituals.
USA-haters might say that the GOP passion for deregulating industries so that it's easier for our executive cronies to hoard even more ill-gotten loot at the expense of the health of the consumer is the cause of this flagrant terrorist attack. To that I say "bull crap!" Deregulation makes for a more competitive free market – and if a couple few thousand condo trash die in ten years because their brains oozed into foam from one two many killer salisbury steaks then I say those unfortunates are patriotic heroes who died valiantly in the name of unfettered capitalism – and the Golden Minority of the Republican Party thanks you in advance for your sacrifice.
Anyway, the truth is that this attack was, like 9/11, totally unpreventable – despite all the movies and TV shows and intelligence reports that predicted it. It was perpetrated against us with the help of Canada, a nation so bored and pathetically fixated on its neighbor to the south, that it will stop at nothing to entertain itself by instilling paroxysms of panic through our superior country's fearless multitudes.
Furthermore, I would be remiss in my duties were I not to mention the role of the liberal television personality Oprah Winfrey in all this. Back in the days when I had that job in Texas where I was actually elected, the people in my state sued Mrs. Winfrey after she dared to float the absurd possibility that Mad Cow Disease would ever appear in the United States. That is why, in light of recent developments, I have directed Attorney General Ashcroft to assign a dedicated anti-terror SWAT team to shadow every move that big colored veganoid makes. Because it's just a matter of time before she slips up and reveals her membership in Al Qaeda, and then we ship her uppity chocosaurus ass off to Camp X-Ray, where she'll get what she deserves for being a traitor against the The Lone Star States of America, a wealthy Democrat, a uterus-haver, and let's face it – way too tan.
Therefore, in the meantime, let us suppress our wholly justified desire to exact murderous vigilante justice on Oprah Winfrey and the inferior peoples of Canada, and instead channel our energies into positive feats – like piling the wife and kids in the Hummer, rolling on down to McBurger Hut, and snarfing down our own weight in char-broiled, ground brains and succulent "downer" spinal cord meat smothered in Ronald Reagan's favorite vegetable – ketchup.
In short, suppress all your highly justified fears of catching Mad Cow disease, and just keep pigging yourself sick on beef.
It's What's For Dinner™. (And that's an Executive Order, too!)
PRESIDENT'S STATEMENT URGING RESISTANCE TO MASS HOMICIDAL PANIC OVER THE "MAD COW" TERROR PERPETRATED AGAINST AMERICA BY OPRAH-WATCHING CANADIACS
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Good evening. Earlier today, my National Media Advisor saw fit to interrupt my second after-breakfast nap in order to alert me to a national hysteria that is spreading faster than Al Gore's buttcrack around Howard Dean's fat pinko tongue: Mad Cow Disease.
As President, it is my duty to calm the citizenry, lest this horrifying pandemic so traumatize our nation's television news anchors, that they find themselves unable to report the neato accounting wizardry that's making the economy look terrific – even though the only folks with new jobs are spicko-rickans digging graves for all the geriatrics who can't afford their prescriptions.
That's why today, it is crucial that the public understand exactly what this Mad Cow Disease is. Contrary to what you've heard in Jay Leno's brilliant monologues, it has nothing to do with Hillary Clinton or Tipper Gore. It is a bioterrorism disease that affects honest-to-goodness cows. Its big long scientific name is Bovine Spongyfoam Encyclopediatosis, and what it does is burrow deep into the brains of otherwise harmless, Christian cows and turn them into stark-raving crazy, evil-doing Muslamian cows. Once infected, these nefarious jihad beasts do their best to blend in – not unlike human Islamoids – until such time as they martyr themselves in slaughterhouses, thereby tainting the patriotic food supply and transforming America's wholesome meatloaf family dinners into unwitting Islamic suicide rituals.
USA-haters might say that the GOP passion for deregulating industries so that it's easier for our executive cronies to hoard even more ill-gotten loot at the expense of the health of the consumer is the cause of this flagrant terrorist attack. To that I say "bull crap!" Deregulation makes for a more competitive free market – and if a couple few thousand condo trash die in ten years because their brains oozed into foam from one two many killer salisbury steaks then I say those unfortunates are patriotic heroes who died valiantly in the name of unfettered capitalism – and the Golden Minority of the Republican Party thanks you in advance for your sacrifice.
Anyway, the truth is that this attack was, like 9/11, totally unpreventable – despite all the movies and TV shows and intelligence reports that predicted it. It was perpetrated against us with the help of Canada, a nation so bored and pathetically fixated on its neighbor to the south, that it will stop at nothing to entertain itself by instilling paroxysms of panic through our superior country's fearless multitudes.
Furthermore, I would be remiss in my duties were I not to mention the role of the liberal television personality Oprah Winfrey in all this. Back in the days when I had that job in Texas where I was actually elected, the people in my state sued Mrs. Winfrey after she dared to float the absurd possibility that Mad Cow Disease would ever appear in the United States. That is why, in light of recent developments, I have directed Attorney General Ashcroft to assign a dedicated anti-terror SWAT team to shadow every move that big colored veganoid makes. Because it's just a matter of time before she slips up and reveals her membership in Al Qaeda, and then we ship her uppity chocosaurus ass off to Camp X-Ray, where she'll get what she deserves for being a traitor against the The Lone Star States of America, a wealthy Democrat, a uterus-haver, and let's face it – way too tan.
Therefore, in the meantime, let us suppress our wholly justified desire to exact murderous vigilante justice on Oprah Winfrey and the inferior peoples of Canada, and instead channel our energies into positive feats – like piling the wife and kids in the Hummer, rolling on down to McBurger Hut, and snarfing down our own weight in char-broiled, ground brains and succulent "downer" spinal cord meat smothered in Ronald Reagan's favorite vegetable – ketchup.
In short, suppress all your highly justified fears of catching Mad Cow disease, and just keep pigging yourself sick on beef.
It's What's For Dinner™. (And that's an Executive Order, too!)
