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MORE DELAYS: IRAQ NOW SAYS U.S. MUST PUBLISH "INTENT TO ATTACK" NOTICE IN BAGHDAD PAPER
U.S. Also Needs Invasion, Demolition, Military Housing Permits
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com)
- A confusing knot of new Iraqi regulations that require "non-resident aggressors" to obtain hundreds of federal and provincial pre-invasion permits and licenses will further delay any attack on
Saddam Hussein, said frustrated U.S. officials who have also been told they
must publish an "Intent to Overthrow" notice in an Iraqi newspaper of
record.
"I'm starting to think all the hassle is just not worth it," complained
U.S.Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who has been shuttling back and forth
between Washington and the Iraqi consulate in Paris trying to get the
appropriate paperwork. "We have to get temporary military lodging
permits,heavy equipment usage permits, waivers from provincial archaeological
commissions, you name it."
Added U.S. President George W. Bush: "I keep saying we haven't set a
date for an attack on Iraq, and now I think you can all see why. We even have to
submit an environmental impact study before we can destroy any
buildings."
"They may have asbestos," explained Ibrahim Hekmat, a building inspector
in the Public Works Ministry. Indeed, according to Mohammed Mahdi Saleh,
Iraq's Minister of Military Intervention and Industry, much has changed in Iraq
since the United States invaded in 1991.
"You can no longer just come in here and demolish a structure or occupy a
city," said Saleh. "You must post a notice in the newspaper to solicit public
comments and submit a form S-14/TQ-3A. And then there are mandatory
public hearings. Our board meets on the second Wednesday of each month,
excluding Ramadan."
If a proposal is accepted, applicants still have to obtain permits and
approvals from dozens of governmental agencies in each of the 18 Iraqi
provinces, including the Al Muthanna Military Intervention Board, the Mosul
Inland Wetlands Council, and the infamous Al-Basrah Historic District
Commission, which has already warned that all non-Iraqi military weaponry
must be made of stone, and that transport vehicles be painted to look
like camels.
Even if the U.S. project is granted the estimated 600 necessary
approvals, the Americans must still obtain a Certificate of Occupation from local
officials in any affected area. And then they may not be able to stay.
According to new immigration laws, anyone planning to remain in the country
for more than six months must obtain a J-6 "Permanent Alien Aggressor"
visa.
But Iraq only issues 10,000 J-6 visas a year, and each soldier must apply in
person. To make matters worse, 25 percent of any invasion force has to be
composed of Iraqi electricians. "Hey, that's not us, that's union,"
Saleh stressed.
According to White House sources, the entire situation has caused some Bush
aides to suggest invading relatively lax Syria instead. "I mean, to build a
single latrine, we need a Domestic Septage Disposal Site permit, a
Treatment Facility Installer's permit, a Waste Facilities Management Operating
permit, and a Non-Hazardous Solid Waste Transportation permit," said Rumsfeld. "I'll
tell you right now, Iraq doesn't need presidential reform, it needs
regulatory reform."
"That is one reason we have not been successful," offered London-based Iraqi
opposition leader Sharif Ali Bin Al Hussein. "The application for a C10-33
Indigenous Rebellion permit is 900 pages long."
With international opinion running against an attack on Saddam, Rumsfeld
yesterday said the United States may try to avoid the red tape and
resort to covert operations. The Iraqi Board of Non-Traditional Interventions and
Planning will meet the second Tuesday in September to consider the
proposal
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
U.S. Also Needs Invasion, Demolition, Military Housing Permits
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com)
- A confusing knot of new Iraqi regulations that require "non-resident aggressors" to obtain hundreds of federal and provincial pre-invasion permits and licenses will further delay any attack on
Saddam Hussein, said frustrated U.S. officials who have also been told they
must publish an "Intent to Overthrow" notice in an Iraqi newspaper of
record.
"I'm starting to think all the hassle is just not worth it," complained
U.S.Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who has been shuttling back and forth
between Washington and the Iraqi consulate in Paris trying to get the
appropriate paperwork. "We have to get temporary military lodging
permits,heavy equipment usage permits, waivers from provincial archaeological
commissions, you name it."
Added U.S. President George W. Bush: "I keep saying we haven't set a
date for an attack on Iraq, and now I think you can all see why. We even have to
submit an environmental impact study before we can destroy any
buildings."
"They may have asbestos," explained Ibrahim Hekmat, a building inspector
in the Public Works Ministry. Indeed, according to Mohammed Mahdi Saleh,
Iraq's Minister of Military Intervention and Industry, much has changed in Iraq
since the United States invaded in 1991.
"You can no longer just come in here and demolish a structure or occupy a
city," said Saleh. "You must post a notice in the newspaper to solicit public
comments and submit a form S-14/TQ-3A. And then there are mandatory
public hearings. Our board meets on the second Wednesday of each month,
excluding Ramadan."
If a proposal is accepted, applicants still have to obtain permits and
approvals from dozens of governmental agencies in each of the 18 Iraqi
provinces, including the Al Muthanna Military Intervention Board, the Mosul
Inland Wetlands Council, and the infamous Al-Basrah Historic District
Commission, which has already warned that all non-Iraqi military weaponry
must be made of stone, and that transport vehicles be painted to look
like camels.
Even if the U.S. project is granted the estimated 600 necessary
approvals, the Americans must still obtain a Certificate of Occupation from local
officials in any affected area. And then they may not be able to stay.
According to new immigration laws, anyone planning to remain in the country
for more than six months must obtain a J-6 "Permanent Alien Aggressor"
visa.
But Iraq only issues 10,000 J-6 visas a year, and each soldier must apply in
person. To make matters worse, 25 percent of any invasion force has to be
composed of Iraqi electricians. "Hey, that's not us, that's union,"
Saleh stressed.
According to White House sources, the entire situation has caused some Bush
aides to suggest invading relatively lax Syria instead. "I mean, to build a
single latrine, we need a Domestic Septage Disposal Site permit, a
Treatment Facility Installer's permit, a Waste Facilities Management Operating
permit, and a Non-Hazardous Solid Waste Transportation permit," said Rumsfeld. "I'll
tell you right now, Iraq doesn't need presidential reform, it needs
regulatory reform."
"That is one reason we have not been successful," offered London-based Iraqi
opposition leader Sharif Ali Bin Al Hussein. "The application for a C10-33
Indigenous Rebellion permit is 900 pages long."
With international opinion running against an attack on Saddam, Rumsfeld
yesterday said the United States may try to avoid the red tape and
resort to covert operations. The Iraqi Board of Non-Traditional Interventions and
Planning will meet the second Tuesday in September to consider the
proposal
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't know Saddam was a democrat?
