idnative1948
Well-known member
Sorry for the long read.
I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so
incredibly dangerous!
Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an
oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was
not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals,
and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for
the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my
oncoming Harley with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible
second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you
egg-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon
me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light Tshirt,
summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was
doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves,
puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And
losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my
strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from
the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could
have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have
headed home.
No one would have been the wiser. but this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry
squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung
around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed
his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination
of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back
unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle
of a Harley can only have one result.
TORQUE.
This is what the Harley is made for, and my Harley is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front
wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Harley screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in . well . I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt,
wearing only one leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet
residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control
of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's
tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just
simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of
the bike.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle
(maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE
my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed
intensity.
It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the bike maxed out (since I was not bothering with
shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt,
wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's
tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little
hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him
to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of ..so to speak.
Picture a new scene.
You are a cop.
You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do
some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the
breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody
murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used
maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.
I would have returned to 'fess up' (and to get my glove back). I really would have.
Really...
Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked
back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on
his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had
been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing.
The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could
also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.
That is one dangerous squirrel.
And now he has a patrol car.
A somewhat shredded patrol car .. but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left
the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-
Aids.
__________________
I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so
incredibly dangerous!
Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an
oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was
not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals,
and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for
the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my
oncoming Harley with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible
second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you
egg-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon
me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light Tshirt,
summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was
doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves,
puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And
losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my
strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from
the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could
have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have
headed home.
No one would have been the wiser. but this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry
squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung
around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed
his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination
of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back
unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle
of a Harley can only have one result.
TORQUE.
This is what the Harley is made for, and my Harley is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front
wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Harley screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in . well . I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt,
wearing only one leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet
residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control
of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's
tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just
simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of
the bike.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle
(maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE
my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed
intensity.
It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the bike maxed out (since I was not bothering with
shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt,
wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's
tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little
hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him
to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of ..so to speak.
Picture a new scene.
You are a cop.
You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do
some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the
breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody
murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used
maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.
I would have returned to 'fess up' (and to get my glove back). I really would have.
Really...
Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked
back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on
his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had
been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing.
The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could
also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.
That is one dangerous squirrel.
And now he has a patrol car.
A somewhat shredded patrol car .. but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left
the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-
Aids.
__________________
