AZHUNTERR
New member
Funny realism's to laugh at life!!!!
>
> 1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into
> my own
> pants.
>
> 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a
> relative.
>
> 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
> "Implants?" She hit me.
>
> 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
>
> 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
>
> 6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
>
> 7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
> moaner.
>
> 8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
>
> 9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them
> get
> elected.
>
> 10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
>
> 11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
> person
> you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
>
> 12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
>
> 13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
> days
> I have stayed alive.
>
> 14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and
> 50
> for Miss America?
>
> 15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
> peeing
> section in a swimming pool?
>
> 16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
> naked?
>
> 17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
>
> 18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
> "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
>
> 19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true
> friend
> will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
>
> 20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
> loose-fitting
> clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
> up
> in the first place!
>
> 21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just
> "chunky
> dunk."
>
> 22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
>
> 23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to
> tell the
> difference.
>
> 24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
> simply
> press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
>
> 25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
> haven't
> fallen asleep yet.
>
> 26. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's
> what he
> said).
>
> 27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
>
> 28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but
> they can
> in prison?
>
> 29. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
> started
> with something called LABOR!
>
> 30. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but
> FAT
> cells live forever.
>
> 31. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten
> Commandments
> cannot be displayed in a federal building?
> Bumper sticker of the year:
> "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English,
> thank
> a soldier."
>
> 1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into
> my own
> pants.
>
> 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a
> relative.
>
> 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
> "Implants?" She hit me.
>
> 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
>
> 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
>
> 6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
>
> 7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
> moaner.
>
> 8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
>
> 9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them
> get
> elected.
>
> 10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
>
> 11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
> person
> you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
>
> 12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
>
> 13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
> days
> I have stayed alive.
>
> 14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and
> 50
> for Miss America?
>
> 15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
> peeing
> section in a swimming pool?
>
> 16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
> naked?
>
> 17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
>
> 18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
> "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
>
> 19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true
> friend
> will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
>
> 20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
> loose-fitting
> clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
> up
> in the first place!
>
> 21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just
> "chunky
> dunk."
>
> 22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
>
> 23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to
> tell the
> difference.
>
> 24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
> simply
> press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
>
> 25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
> haven't
> fallen asleep yet.
>
> 26. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's
> what he
> said).
>
> 27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
>
> 28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but
> they can
> in prison?
>
> 29. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
> started
> with something called LABOR!
>
> 30. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but
> FAT
> cells live forever.
>
> 31. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten
> Commandments
> cannot be displayed in a federal building?
> Bumper sticker of the year:
> "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English,
> thank
> a soldier."
