Elkhunter
New member
It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to
Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole
earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the
righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build
an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling,
Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front
yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big
problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did
not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the
plans. Then I got into a fight
with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and
floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.Forest
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and
Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Relations Board. Now I have 16
carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the
other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me
only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army
Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the ! proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not
taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized all my
assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the
country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe
some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water
craft." Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the
earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really
don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you
are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "The
government already has."
Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole
earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the
righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build
an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling,
Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front
yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big
problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did
not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the
plans. Then I got into a fight
with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and
floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.Forest
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and
Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Relations Board. Now I have 16
carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the
other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me
only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army
Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the ! proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not
taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized all my
assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the
country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe
some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water
craft." Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the
earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really
don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you
are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "The
government already has."
