This was submitted by lawvegus in the fishing section and I wanted to put it up here where more would be apt to see it...
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through
your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your
share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00
to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to
8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will
be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In
extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this
exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to
get a balance meal to maintain thee average figure. Fat people get
5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast & take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary,
if we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we
assume you are doing well financial and therefore you do not need a
raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's,
consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Management
--------------------
Making the World Safe for Large Insurance Companies!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posts: 187 | From: Henderson, NV | Registered: Apr 2002 | IP: Logged
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through
your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your
share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00
to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to
8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will
be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In
extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this
exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to
get a balance meal to maintain thee average figure. Fat people get
5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast & take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary,
if we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we
assume you are doing well financial and therefore you do not need a
raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's,
consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Management
--------------------
Making the World Safe for Large Insurance Companies!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posts: 187 | From: Henderson, NV | Registered: Apr 2002 | IP: Logged
