Monday Groaner

[noharleyyet]

..apologies in advance.

> Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb
> making class, when
> one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his a**.
>
> "If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist ,"that cork
> looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
>
> "I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently
> stuck in my a**."
>
> "I do not understand", said the other.
>
> The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped
> over an oil lamp.
> There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag
> with a white
> beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie.
> I can grant you one wish."
>
> I said, "No ch*t?"
>
Note: This story was confirmed by Brian Williams. He was there when it
> happened.

 

[VAspeedgoat]

When Osama Bin Laden died he was waiting in line to be judged. Behind him was an American soldier. The two made uncomfortable small talk until it was their turn. Osama was first and was surprised that he was granted one wish. Osama wished for a great wall to be built around all muslim countries so that nothing could get in or out. Wish granted! The soldier was next and asked if it was true that a wall had been built around all the muslim countries and that nothing could get in or out. Upon hearing that it was true the soldier said fill it up with water!

 

[2rocky]

 

[MThuntr]

It seems that we've got some Monday blues going around so it's time to post another joke

Two newb elk hunters decided to separate to increases their chances. “What if we get lost?” says one of them. “Fire three shots up in the air, every hour on the hour” says the other. “I saw it on TV.” Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three shots up into the air every hour on the hour. The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger. “Did you do what I said?” asked the hunter. “Yes, I fired three shots up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows.”

 

[teamhoyt]

game warden

The game warden showed up at the lake and noticed a guy taking a limit of huge fish out of his boat. When the warden asked the fellow how the man was able to catch so many big fish in a lake that doesn't produce like that the fisherman said let me show ya. So the warden hopped in the boat and they headed for the middle of the lake. The fisherman opened up his tackle box and removed a stick od dynamite, lit it and tossed it in, the warden watched in disbelief as all these giant fish floated to the surface. You can't do that the warden exclaimed! that's the most ignorant violation I have ever seen, Were going to have to go down to the station and talk about this. Just then the fisherman reached back into the tackle box and grabbed another stick, lit it and handed it to the warden... Now are we going to talk about it or are you going to fish?

 

[teamhoyt]

pet fish

A warden noticed a fellow fishing on the dock and went to have a look at his days catch. Low and behold the fisherman had way over his limit in his possession. the warden Explained to the guy that he can't catch and keep all of those fish and that he had exceeded the limit. appalled the fisherman explained that he didn't catch all those fish..these are my pet fish he told the officer, you see every day I bring them down here and let them swim around to get there exercise, then when I'm ready to leave I whistle and they come back, jump in the bucket and we go home. Amazed the warden said I gotta see this so the fisherman let his fish go back into the water, after a few minutes the guy whistled... no fish. the warden asked him, Where are your fish? the fisherman said What fish?

 

[gman82001]

A naked guy walks into a psychiatrists office wrapped in plastic wrap, he tells the doc he's not feeling right and asks him what could be wrong . The doc says hell if I know but I can clearly see your nuts.

 

[noharleyyet]

A warden noticed a fellow fishing on the dock and went to have a look at his days catch. Low and behold the fisherman had way over his limit in his possession. the warden Explained to the guy that he can't catch and keep all of those fish and that he had exceeded the limit. appalled the fisherman explained that he didn't catch all those fish..these are my pet fish he told the officer, you see every day I bring them down here and let them swim around to get there exercise, then when I'm ready to leave I whistle and they come back, jump in the bucket and we go home. Amazed the warden said I gotta see this so the fisherman let his fish go back into the water, after a few minutes the guy whistled... no fish. the warden asked him, Where are your fish? the fisherman said What fish?

One of favorite stories.

*...must be told in a first person Thibodeaux accent.

 

[RUT JUNKEY]

A naked guy walks into a psychiatrists office wrapped in plastic wrap, he tells the doc he's not feeling right and asks him what could be wrong . The doc says hell if I know but I can clearly see your nuts.

these are all good, but, this one made me laugh out loud and damn near spewed coke all over my desk!

 

[noharleyyet]

Police officer calls in from a shooting.

Officer, "A woman shot her husband because he walked on her freshly mopped floor."

Dispatch, "Have you secured the scene?"

Officer, "Hell no, the floor's still wet."