Lock them up?

[the nikster]

Guys, I am in a bit of an ethical pickle.
My wife and I went out of town for 7 weeks on business. While we were away, our 19 year old daughter stayed at our place with our permission but, was told to not allow anybody else to overnight. She moved out 2 days before we returned.
Now we have noticed missing items. About $2000 in missing cash and also missing jewelry. Who knows what else.
My daughter says she had a couple small parties and let her boyfriend and a female friend both spend the night.
I don't want my daughter in jail but would love to call the police and see if they can tell me who done it.
What do you think I should do?

 

[Dave N]

Tough call. I would call the cops since she admitted there were others there. Could be that she had no knowledge about things being taken. If she DID...

 

[Muskeez]

Lots of options and thoughts as I have kids the same age. My first thought is maybe tell your daughter that you will be calling the cops tomorrow morning if she does not have a list of names and addresses of all of the kids that were there for the parties and overnight. If you have meant business in the past she will know you aren't bluffing. Even if they aren't the ones who took things none of them will want a visit from the law asking questions. Sadly there is probably next to zero chance they will be able to prove who took anything and even less of a chance that you will get any of it back. You could then take this list and write them all a letter stating that either they return what was taken in an envelope in your mailbox anonymously in the night, or they will all get to chat with the law, or you could write them all and remind them of their conscience and how every time they think of their friend (your daughter) they will have to remember what they did. None of this will probably work, but may make you feel better anyway. I think when we just let our kids get away with such things and take no action we are just telling them that such behavior isn't that bad really.

 

[duckhunt]

I would call the cops. If your daughter didnt take any of the items she wont go to jail. But if the law is involved it will be a good learning lesson for all the kids involved.

 

[Wally Dog]

Nick, as the father of 3 grown daughters............someone has to be accountable. For youngens it's about making good and bad decisions. The embarrassment factor will weigh in but it doesn't matter. Someone must be accountable for their actions and bad decision.
WD

 

[RUT JUNKEY]

Hate to hear that, having said that, I agree with Muskeez. . threats go along way if they no you aren't the bluffing kind and if that doesn't work. . .get the police involved like the others have said. I had a similar (not close to your loss) incident at the store the other day, someone had taken 2 boxes of .22 shells out of a shipment we recieved, I had it narrowed down to about 4 teenage boys. . .called each on into the office and told them the situation and the consequences that would follow ( all the while acting like I was making a disc of the video tape for the police to review) the 2 boxes showed back up soon after. . .one of them had them stashed to "buy" later. Still makes me sick/angry what our teenagers think is ok. . . . Good luck.

 

[MThuntr]

Not being a parent probably removes my credibility but it's worth a shot. As said before accountability is the name of the game. She may or may not know who took the items but she definitely knows who was there while you were gone. I would definitely offer the police option but I would also offer the "you're going to pay us back every cent in labor/cash" option.

My dad would probably have made me cut a switch and pay off the entire loss in cash (because my labor was already free).

 

[Devil Diver Down]

That's a tough deal and there are bound to be misgivings and hard feelings no matter which direction you take. I would give her a very short deadline (hours, not days) to deliver the names of the people who stayed over and a similar short deadline that they have returned the money and missing items or you will involve the police. My guess is that you can always choose not to press charges against anyone involved, but short time is a key to me. I have a 19 year old son, so I have great sympathy for your dilemma.

 

[1_pointer]

I agree with Mthuntr. Assuming nothing missing isn't a family heirloom and in the same situation, I would put it on my kid to replace everything. This makes them understand that it was their choices that led to the consequence. Hopefully, that'll make them consider a bit more carefully who they hang out with and invite over.

 

[idnative1948]

+1, but sorry you had to go through this.

Lots of options and thoughts as I have kids the same age. My first thought is maybe tell your daughter that you will be calling the cops tomorrow morning if she does not have a list of names and addresses of all of the kids that were there for the parties and overnight. If you have meant business in the past she will know you aren't bluffing. Even if they aren't the ones who took things none of them will want a visit from the law asking questions. Sadly there is probably next to zero chance they will be able to prove who took anything and even less of a chance that you will get any of it back. You could then take this list and write them all a letter stating that either they return what was taken in an envelope in your mailbox anonymously in the night, or they will all get to chat with the law, or you could write them all and remind them of their conscience and how every time they think of their friend (your daughter) they will have to remember what they did. None of this will probably work, but may make you feel better anyway. I think when we just let our kids get away with such things and take no action we are just telling them that such behavior isn't that bad really.

 

[jryoung]

Where was the cash/jewelry? How much time would someone have needed to discover them both? Meaning could someone just have come in and found/grabbed them in a matter of a minutes or would someone have had to dig around and locate everything or know where it was.

 

[BigBull301]

I'd call the cops. The daughter would lose our trust for years. She would be paying back every last nickel.
Her "friends" would not be allowed on the property.

It sucks but she needs to learn a hard lesson.

 

[Jorgy]

Nikster - having a 19 y/o myself and knowing how well they like to follow advice/rules I feel your pain

This is how I would handle it with my boy. I would have a itemized list of what was missing with cash values. Then I would explain how she is responsible for these costs since it was her company that stole it. Then we would talk about how she wanted to go about getting the stolen items back, or paying for them. If she is anything like my boys, the first 5 minutes will be a blank stare and a repeated phrase of "it's not my fault". So after explaining 14 times why it is her fault and why she is responsible for the people she brought/allowed into your home, I would give the same suggestions as the above posters, but put it on her how she wants to handle it (with your help of course) Police involvement, letter to the party goers, a guy name Veto, don't really care, but it has to be on HER with your help and guidance to rectify the crappy situation.

And if she is like my boys, I would be able to lead her to how I wanted it handled and she would think it was all her idea And I would probably go with a letter, or make her round up everyone and bring them back to your home, because once the police are involved the standard response from any kid will be that they didn't take it since they don't want to get into more trouble. But solid threats of police involvement could scare someone into returning it.

My 2 cents
Jorgy

 

[TheShootist.41]

Call law enforcement for all of the above reasons. Pick any of the consequences (examples) provided above and proceed immediately.

 

[MN Public Hunter]

You don't state this, but did you ask your daughter if she took it? Do you not trust your daughter?

If she says she did not do it and you trust her, call the police. That will force her to tell who was there and/or go to jail herself.

If her so called friends did it they are not friends anyway.

 

[the nikster]

Prescription narcotics were hidden deep. My wife's money jar was hidden deep. The jewelry was in a jewelry cabinet on the dresser and the coins were in a 5 gallon water bottle on the floor of my room.
A person had to have time to find the narcotics and my wife's jar. The jewelry could be a quick grab but the coins....they stole about 30 lbs of coins. That didn't go out in somebodys pockets, that went out in a jar or jug or...!
My daughter has today to come up with a 'police-free' solution.
She is terribly concerned that one of her friends might get put in jail-I am concerned nobody will!

 

[idnative1948]

Stick to your word dad.

Prescription narcotics were hidden deep. My wife's money jar was hidden deep. The jewelry was in a jewelry cabinet on the dresser and the coins were in a 5 gallon water bottle on the floor of my room.
A person had to have time to find the narcotics and my wife's jar. The jewelry could be a quick grab but the coins....they stole about 30 lbs of coins. That didn't go out in somebodys pockets, that went out in a jar or jug or...!
My daughter has today to come up with a 'police-free' solution.
She is terribly concerned that one of her friends might get put in jail-I am concerned nobody will!

 

[noharleyyet]

Tough love is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do...

Good luck nik

 

[Dave N]

Ask her if she really WANTS a friend who would steal from her parent's house. I would think a morals lesson is encouraged. Good luck.

 

[captaincoot]

I feel for you one tough spot you are in but I feel the cops need to be called. Best of luck with this road bump in life.