Having a bad couple of days...
- Thread starter JohnCushman
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JohnCushman
Well-known member
Once again, thank you all for the replies and support. I have a ton of private messages that I have to reply to as well. I really don't deserve all of this.
One break down I saw in my training to be a medic is that they make us think we can save all of them, or we should die trying. What they don't teach us is how to deal with the ones we can't save and how to live with that fact for the rest of your life. The military and VA is quick to throw happy pills at us and label us with PTSD, but unless you are pro active in your care, it stops there. With me, you throw in a traumatic brain injury to the mix, and that compounds how my PTSD effects me and how my medication does or doesn't works. The Army was quick to toss me by the wayside as defective and pawn me off on to the VA system. One big thing I have in my favor is my wife who has laid the smack down on more than one VA doctor and has gotten more results in a matter of months than I have been able to for years on my own. She has become my biggest advocate.
As much as I try to come off as some big tough guy with the tattoos and swearing and beard and attitude problem, I guess you guys aren't fooled. I will admit that I cried more than once with these replies and private messages. I tried to explain to the guys on the HT bear hunt how important it was to me, and now I will tell all of you how important this group has become to me. When I was wounded and sent back to the states, and subsequently retired, I lost my sense of identity and who and what I was. I was lost in the world. I was for 15 years I was a soldier, a medic, a part of a brotherhood that so few people could understand the importance of. Yes, I was a father and a son and husband and brother, but anyone can do that...just watch Jerry Springer. The military was something I was able to take pride in that less than 1% of Americans could every say that they did. The brotherhood and bond that forms is like no other, and knowing someone would take a bullet for you is a feeling that can't be replaced. Being called 'Doc' was something I held near and dear to my heart. So, now, here I am years later. Broken down, both mentally and physically, with no identity and pissed off at the world. I find this group and start posting, and I admit, my beginning was a bit rocky. Then, I got to talking to a couple of guys in PM and that was pretty cool. Next thing I know I'm planning a hunting trip with a couple of guys from here. Holy Shit!! So, over the years, I've continued to meet guys and go on hunts with guys and keep in touch with several outside of here. I was so nervous in meeting new people, but I did it. They accepted me as I am. I can't walk very far right now or do a lot of 'hunting' stuff, but they have accepted me, broken down and quirks and all. How in the hell did that happen?
So, now, I have an identity again. This might sound cheesy to some of you...but, I am a Hunt talker. I am a part of a group of guys and gals that may not always get along on every issue, but there is a common ground for all of us to be here for. You guys have gone above and beyond what this man deserves and I will never forget that, nor will I ever be able to repay it.
Thank you all....
One break down I saw in my training to be a medic is that they make us think we can save all of them, or we should die trying. What they don't teach us is how to deal with the ones we can't save and how to live with that fact for the rest of your life. The military and VA is quick to throw happy pills at us and label us with PTSD, but unless you are pro active in your care, it stops there. With me, you throw in a traumatic brain injury to the mix, and that compounds how my PTSD effects me and how my medication does or doesn't works. The Army was quick to toss me by the wayside as defective and pawn me off on to the VA system. One big thing I have in my favor is my wife who has laid the smack down on more than one VA doctor and has gotten more results in a matter of months than I have been able to for years on my own. She has become my biggest advocate.
As much as I try to come off as some big tough guy with the tattoos and swearing and beard and attitude problem, I guess you guys aren't fooled. I will admit that I cried more than once with these replies and private messages. I tried to explain to the guys on the HT bear hunt how important it was to me, and now I will tell all of you how important this group has become to me. When I was wounded and sent back to the states, and subsequently retired, I lost my sense of identity and who and what I was. I was lost in the world. I was for 15 years I was a soldier, a medic, a part of a brotherhood that so few people could understand the importance of. Yes, I was a father and a son and husband and brother, but anyone can do that...just watch Jerry Springer. The military was something I was able to take pride in that less than 1% of Americans could every say that they did. The brotherhood and bond that forms is like no other, and knowing someone would take a bullet for you is a feeling that can't be replaced. Being called 'Doc' was something I held near and dear to my heart. So, now, here I am years later. Broken down, both mentally and physically, with no identity and pissed off at the world. I find this group and start posting, and I admit, my beginning was a bit rocky. Then, I got to talking to a couple of guys in PM and that was pretty cool. Next thing I know I'm planning a hunting trip with a couple of guys from here. Holy Shit!! So, over the years, I've continued to meet guys and go on hunts with guys and keep in touch with several outside of here. I was so nervous in meeting new people, but I did it. They accepted me as I am. I can't walk very far right now or do a lot of 'hunting' stuff, but they have accepted me, broken down and quirks and all. How in the hell did that happen?
So, now, I have an identity again. This might sound cheesy to some of you...but, I am a Hunt talker. I am a part of a group of guys and gals that may not always get along on every issue, but there is a common ground for all of us to be here for. You guys have gone above and beyond what this man deserves and I will never forget that, nor will I ever be able to repay it.
Thank you all....
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Damned allergies...
I can't even begin to wrap my head around what you've gone and continue to go through John, but I know I'm dang proud and thankful to call you my friend.
3.5 weeks until beer, bears, bullshit and campfire therapy.
rmyoung1
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2010
- Messages
- 2,423
John, thank you for your service, sacrifice, and now your honesty. It's inspiring to hear from a man honest enough to share a real struggle. And the way you articulated your desire for identity and a sense of belonging was very insightful. Those feelings are written on the hearts of all people, I believe. I'll be praying for you. I hope you know just how valued you are. You are loved by many and cherished by a God who loved you so much He sent His Son, Jesus, for you. As was said before... God isn't done with you yet! Thanks again for your honesty, service and sacrifice!
Bowhuntrben
Well-known member
John, thank you for all that you have done. God has a plan, and everything that happens is something he allows. We don't always understand why, but we have to trust in Him. You will see your friend again. Until that day, I know God has more plans for you. You are an inspiration to us. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
TRS_Montana
Well-known member
John, your ramblings on here are inspirational. You are one of the few who give this "place" a deeper meaning than an informational dump from which to scavenge information and hunting spots. Seriously, through your allowed vulnerability, you are making it easier for others to handle what they are going through. Nice job. You have my respect.
Hi John,
You have a very big heart and good sole for what you have seen and done. You are a helper type of person and that is a very good quality. I know I do not post much, but I do enjoy reading your posts. I know everyone here considers you a friend. It is good that you are talking and we here are all good listeners. If you ever need to chat please send me a PM. I will talk to you soon.
You have a very big heart and good sole for what you have seen and done. You are a helper type of person and that is a very good quality. I know I do not post much, but I do enjoy reading your posts. I know everyone here considers you a friend. It is good that you are talking and we here are all good listeners. If you ever need to chat please send me a PM. I will talk to you soon.
sneakypete
Well-known member
- Joined
- May 19, 2014
- Messages
- 1,929
John, you've made us all better people by watching the video you provided us. I want to thank you for your service to this Great Country! We are free because of men and women like yourself. Please take care of yourself and love the ones closest to you!
sbhooper
Well-known member
You did what you could as a medic, John. You can't change what happened by looking back. I have tried that all my life and it still won't work!
My youngest son was a medic with the 10th Mountain. He injured his back in training and was not able to deploy to Afghanistan and was medically retired. Not being able to do his job and use his training has bothered him a lot. He felt like he could have saved some of the guys that were torn up. Fate is a strange thing. I told him that it did not bother me that he did not deploy, as I already have one kid screwed up by combat.
Sometimes all the training in the world doesn't make a difference.
My youngest son was a medic with the 10th Mountain. He injured his back in training and was not able to deploy to Afghanistan and was medically retired. Not being able to do his job and use his training has bothered him a lot. He felt like he could have saved some of the guys that were torn up. Fate is a strange thing. I told him that it did not bother me that he did not deploy, as I already have one kid screwed up by combat.
Sometimes all the training in the world doesn't make a difference.
sneakypete
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- Joined
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John, the sun rises each with a new day for All to look forward, easier said than done, but God did for us all weather you believe or not. By no means am I a church goer, but I do believe. My son served in Iraq 06-07 south of Baghdad he lost 5 of 17 in his platoon and was wounded once I thank God every day I have him to hunt with I think of those and now your buddy who are still on patrol looking over Us all! Again thanks to All who have served this great country and never forget those who have been called upon the alter of Freedom!
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