Quick Draw
New member
Old one but still funny
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the
vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters
he holds prisoner in his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told
me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my
face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little rodents was
indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "! come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we
didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?" she
inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my
most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my
teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some
guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to
see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going
to do with a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to
know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a
tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant
second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I
noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it
next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It
disappeared. I tried several
more
times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted
to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We
drove to the vet with
my
son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother
noted to him. (Women
can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she
does to me is one thing,
but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room
and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I
suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and
Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to
you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding
for my son to step
outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This
hamster is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie
is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um....
er....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent,
absorbing
this.
"So Ernie's just... just... Excited?", my wife
offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood. More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then
even
laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the
woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's
just...that...I'm picturing
you pulling on its... its...teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter
once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the
Veterinarian and hurriedly
bundled the hamsters and our son back into the
car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've
done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Mental picture of your hubby pulling on the
hamster's wacker........
Priceless!
Quick Draw
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the
vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters
he holds prisoner in his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told
me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my
face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little rodents was
indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "! come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we
didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?" she
inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my
most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my
teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some
guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to
see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going
to do with a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to
know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a
tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant
second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I
noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it
next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It
disappeared. I tried several
more
times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted
to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We
drove to the vet with
my
son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother
noted to him. (Women
can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she
does to me is one thing,
but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room
and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I
suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and
Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to
you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding
for my son to step
outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This
hamster is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie
is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um....
er....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent,
absorbing
this.
"So Ernie's just... just... Excited?", my wife
offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood. More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then
even
laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the
woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's
just...that...I'm picturing
you pulling on its... its...teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter
once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the
Veterinarian and hurriedly
bundled the hamsters and our son back into the
car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've
done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Mental picture of your hubby pulling on the
hamster's wacker........
Priceless!
Quick Draw
