Ithaca 37
New member
A version of this has been around before, but 'tis the season.........
>Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They
>lived on deer in the mountains during the summer &
>would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
>
>The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
>and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
>beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
>the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups:
>Liberals and Conservatives.
>
>Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of
>agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
>so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to
>be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That ' s how villages
>were formed.
>
>Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
>while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
>"the Conservative movement."
>
>Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
>the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q ' s and doing the
>sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
>movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
>rest became known as ' girliemen. '
>
>Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
>invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of
>Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
>conservatives provided.
>
>Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
>powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
>the jackass.
>
>Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
>wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
>beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
>
>Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have
>higher testosterone levels than their men.! Most social workers,
>personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
>therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
>because it wasn ' t "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
>
>Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
>their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
>lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
>officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone
>who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
>conservatives who want to work for a living.
>
>Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
>decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
>more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained
>in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after
>the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for
>nothing.
>
>Here ends today ' s lesson in world history:
>
>It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to
>the above before simply forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced
>of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
>immediately.
>Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They
>lived on deer in the mountains during the summer &
>would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
>
>The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
>and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
>beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
>the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups:
>Liberals and Conservatives.
>
>Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of
>agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
>so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to
>be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That ' s how villages
>were formed.
>
>Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
>while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
>"the Conservative movement."
>
>Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
>the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q ' s and doing the
>sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
>movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
>rest became known as ' girliemen. '
>
>Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
>invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of
>Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
>conservatives provided.
>
>Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
>powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
>the jackass.
>
>Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
>wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
>beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
>
>Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have
>higher testosterone levels than their men.! Most social workers,
>personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
>therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
>because it wasn ' t "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
>
>Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
>their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
>lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
>officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone
>who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
>conservatives who want to work for a living.
>
>Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
>decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
>more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained
>in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after
>the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for
>nothing.
>
>Here ends today ' s lesson in world history:
>
>It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to
>the above before simply forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced
>of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
>immediately.
