Bad Joke Friday

[noharleyyet]

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

“Hey, bit#h,” says the parrot, “bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!”

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back upthe aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: “Go*da#mit, you lazy wh*re, where’s my whiskey? Hurry it up!”

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot’s drink. Impressed with the parrot’s technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

“Hey, slut,” says the man, “get me a dry martini. And don’t drag you sorry a** – I want it right now!”

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In amoment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 30,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man,

“Ya know, for someone who can’t fly, you got a lotta balls

 

[Hooligan]

A man walks into a hardware store and asks to buy the largest file they store owner has.

The Store owner asked the man what application the file would be used, and the man replied" I need to file off my parrot's beak. He won't shut up. Talking at all hours, cursing at the neighborhood children etc. I have finally had enough!"

"Mister, I am sorry, but I cant sell you a file for that, it will kill that poor bird!" the store owner replied. But the man was persistent and after offering to pay 3 times the retail price the owner gave in.

About a week went by, and the Owner of the hardware store saw the man walking by the shop. He asked the man "Hey mister, how's your parrot?"

"Oh, he's dead" the man replied. The owner said "I told you he would die if you filed his beak off!"

The man just smiled and replied " Dont think it was the file that did him in, he was dead when I took his head out of the vise"

 

[DRAFTSTUD]

A man from Texas and a Montana man were driving along when all of a sudden the Texas man slams on the brakes.

There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Texas man said "We Texans never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.

Then he says to the Montana man, "Your turn"...

And the Montana man bends over and sticks his head in the fence.

 

[DRAFTSTUD]

"Ole Blue"

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula
that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says
"and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

 

[DRAFTSTUD]

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can i make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

 

[DRAFTSTUD]

This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you’re bad luck....."

 

[DRAFTSTUD]

The lone ranger and his Indian friend are walking through the desert
When the lone ranger exclaims ''I'm starving wheres that held of cow you promised ''
Then the indian put his ear to the ground and shouts out ''buffalo cum''
And the lone ranger replies ''How on gods earth did you know that''
''Ear stuck to ground '' He says

 

[DRAFTSTUD]

Katie Holmes, Julia Stiles, and Britney Spears were working on a Ang Lee movie (Lesbian sequel to Brokeback Mountain)
They saw Ang Lee leave early. The next day they saw Ang Lee leave early again so they left early as well because the Ang Lee wouldn’t find out.
Katie Holmes went home and spent her day with her kids,
Julia Stiles spent the afternoon shopping and watching movies
And as Britney Spears went home she went in her room and saw her Ang Lee and Kevin Federline having sex.
The next day when they saw Ang Lee leave early the Katie and Julia said lets go but Britney said "I can’t.... I almost got caught yesterday."

 

[Tom]

These two Muslim women are reminiscing over their kids.

1st mother:
Oh, Abdul, he would be 26 if he were still alive.
Oh, Moheek, he would be 22 if he were alive today.

2nd mother:
You must be proud, they blow up so fast.

 

[Foxtrot1]

Three older hunters were sitting around the camp fire one evening drinking beer and talking. After alittle while they got on the topic of painful experiances in their live.

The first hunter proudly pulls up his pants leg and shows the other two a scar right above his knee. " When I was field dressing an elk, I slipped and stuck my knife all the way to the handle right here. It hurt like a mother when I had to pull the knife out, I almost teared up."

The second hunter said "I'm sure that did hurt, but thats not as bad as when I was cleaning my shotgun and it went off and blew this side of my foot off. I even had to drive myself to the hospital."

The third hunter sat there silently for a few minutes staring into the fire, then he said, " The second most painful thing in my life happened one day I was out grouse hunting. I really had to go, so I found a place to take a sh**. I squatted down and suddenly a bear trap went off and slammed shut around my nuts."

Both of the other two hunters were clearly impressed with the amount of pain this would cause, when suddenly the first hunter said " If that was the second most painful thing in your life, what could possibly have hurt worse than that?"

The third hunter calmly replied "When I got to the end of the chain."

 

[choc dogs]

how does juan cut his pizza?

little ceasars

 

[Marshian]

2 jokes:

What do you get when you goose a Mexican Ghost? A handful of sheet.

Who is the most popular man at the nudist colony? The guy that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? The one who can eat the last donut.

 

[jabber]

I realize Friday has past, but...

Socially Unacceptable Humor

I was in bed with a blind girl last night
and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands
on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should
change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening
"
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost
by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing
commonly found in cells. It appears that "Mexicans" is not the correct
answer either.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've
been banned from it after asking to look at some of the latest
bomber-jackets.


You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they
drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend
and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her
brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular-people
porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards
the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose
only reaches to the driveway